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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Say something or let it pass?

72 replies

BushbabyPoo · 25/04/2024 20:23

Twice a week I collect dgs5 from school and give him his dinner. This week DiL has been away so it's been 4 times.
When I took him home this evening she said, to DS not me, that dgs hadn't done his homework and that she was annoyed that the people they have doing childcare don't take parenting as seriously as they do. I just said goodbye and left. DS said nothing.
Am I being pathetic to be annoyed?
My impulse when I got home was to send them a message that if they were not happy with what I do I'd bow out and leave them to make other arrangements.
For context, I am 70, and work 2 days a week, and had to leave early this week.

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 25/04/2024 21:04

Next time you see DIL mention (kindly and with no edge) that you heard the homework comment and you're wondering if she'd like you to do homework with your GC because if so you'll need some guidance as to what homework yada yada

This is not a hill to die on imo

Rise above

StormingNorman · 25/04/2024 21:05

I wonder if DIL was tired or rundown after being away?

If you normally have a good relationship and she’s usually grateful, I’d put it down to her having a bad day.

That said, I would check in with DS to see if DIL is ok as she didn’t seem quite herself 😉

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 25/04/2024 21:08

Well she is definitely being very unfair....he's 5 so he shouldn't have any homework anyway!

CelesteCunningham · 25/04/2024 21:21

Bestyearever2024 · 25/04/2024 21:04

Next time you see DIL mention (kindly and with no edge) that you heard the homework comment and you're wondering if she'd like you to do homework with your GC because if so you'll need some guidance as to what homework yada yada

This is not a hill to die on imo

Rise above

This is probably the best way to handle it, but YANBU to be hurt and annoyed. As someone who pays for all of their childcare, I am in no doubt as to the money, worry and hassle you've saved them over the years!

Original poster
BushbabyPoo · 25/04/2024 21:31

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I think softly softly is the way to go.
We usually meet one or other of them for a drink on a Friday, so I'll bring it up in a gentle, concerned way tomorrow. Or maybe not, if I have one too many merlots!

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 25/04/2024 21:37

Playing devil's advocate. I would have assumed he needed to do homework. If you were doing the after-school cate when else was he supposed to do it? When he gets home super tired?

Homework is a horrible stress in homes all over the UK. She should have asked you if you minded checking it was done .. my guess is she felt like a shit parent as child has got into trouble for not doing it. We have all been there. I totally understand where you are coming from though!

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 25/04/2024 22:06

Maddy70 · 25/04/2024 21:37

Playing devil's advocate. I would have assumed he needed to do homework. If you were doing the after-school cate when else was he supposed to do it? When he gets home super tired?

Homework is a horrible stress in homes all over the UK. She should have asked you if you minded checking it was done .. my guess is she felt like a shit parent as child has got into trouble for not doing it. We have all been there. I totally understand where you are coming from though!

But he's only 5!

Maddy70 · 25/04/2024 22:12

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 25/04/2024 22:06

But he's only 5!

Show quote history

Yes kids have homework at 5

Pootle23 · 25/04/2024 22:17

Suggest that your DIL sorts out her work schedule to be home when her child is to help them with their homework.

I would stop with the childcare until I got an apology.

JungleJimmy · 25/04/2024 22:20

Hang on a minute; from your OP it sounds like your DIL has been working away all week and because of this, presumably your DS has asked you to help out with childcare?

What HE (not you, your son) HASN'T done is ensure his DC have done their homework.

Your DS has been the only resident parent home this week and if I had been physically absent due to work and came home to find that despite having the bulk of childcare taken care of by my MIL, my H hadn't done the core parenting duties in my absence, I would be pissed off.

I think her comment was a dig, but it was towards your son rather than you as it was his responsibility to ensure homework was done as he's the parent.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 25/04/2024 22:52

BushbabyPoo · 25/04/2024 21:31

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I think softly softly is the way to go.
We usually meet one or other of them for a drink on a Friday, so I'll bring it up in a gentle, concerned way tomorrow. Or maybe not, if I have one too many merlots!

Good choice, have a good chat re something that wound you up over a drink. Never worked for me, that, but I hope it does for you and not end up in a hand to hand combat sessions - just jesting :)

Good luck

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 25/04/2024 22:58

@Maddy70 my kid had to read for 10 mins a day at 5, that was it. Some schools might insist on more but frankly it's pointless making a 5 year old do homework. I wouldn't be taking it too seriously....

SalmonEile · 25/04/2024 23:04

This is on your DS.
it was HIS job to make sure his son’s homework was done.
He said nothing when your DIL was complaining about it which says it all really.

thequeenoftarts · 25/04/2024 23:22

That would be the unpaid childcare you are doing for them? Yeah rock on so folks

SleepPrettyDarling · 25/04/2024 23:25

I’d go with ‘homework is something that daddies and mummies do with x; im just here to help.’ (Ungrateful DIL)

Poppyseed14 · 25/04/2024 23:28

BushbabyPoo · 25/04/2024 20:45

Their DD goes to a childminder, who they seem to like. They have no one else, so it's usually me, with DH at weekends.
To be fair I have been asked a couple of times over the last two years to help him with his homework, but to be honest it never occurred to me.
Being bitchy, they care so much about parenting that their son can't yet use a knife and fork, and every meal time with me I try, with only short term success, to teach him.

He's had homework since he's been 3?!

Allofaflutter · 25/04/2024 23:28

I also think it was a dig at Dad who hasn’t stepped up in her place and done homework.

LandArt · 25/04/2024 23:33

It sounds like a weird and rude (actually slightly mad?) thing to say. I mean, of course childminders and the like don’t take ‘parenting’ other people’s kids as seriously as the actual parents do, because the children have parents to do that part. However, having said that, when DS was younger and has attended wraparound care, a childminder or a relative after school, or gone home with a friend till after dinner, I did expect his homework to be done during that time — way too late for a tired child who should be winding down if it waited till both I and he were at home . But obviously you’re not psychic — the parent who was at home all week needs to ask you, let you know what the homework is etc.

Yellogreen · 25/04/2024 23:33

Have you been asked to help him with his homework after school? Homework starts in reception so by now it should be a well established thing….as a parent you know what days it comes home on and when it’s expected to be returned so if there’s any expectation you will help surely the routine would have bedded in by now and they’d have discussed it with you?

if they have and you’ve just not helped then I can see why she’s annoyed especially after being away. Whether childcare is free or not if you agree to do it and if homework is part of the agreement it should be done

If regular homework hasn’t been mentioned then Yanbu and need to have a discussion with her asap to set expectation and decide if you’re happy to oblige.

Tarantella6 · 25/04/2024 23:36

I think it was a dig at your DS as well. He farmed out all the childcare and didn't bother making sure the homework was done - either by doing it himself or asking you. She must be wondering wtf he has done all week.

Maddy70 · 26/04/2024 02:24

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 25/04/2024 22:58

@Maddy70 my kid had to read for 10 mins a day at 5, that was it. Some schools might insist on more but frankly it's pointless making a 5 year old do homework. I wouldn't be taking it too seriously....

Hey i agree with you kids shouldnt have homework at all imo other than reading etc but they do. The honeworl may welk hage been to read but it hasnt been done.

I agree with a pp that i think it was her son that the dil was having a dig at.
Mum has been away all week the parent in charge hasnt ensured this was done

Maddy70 · 26/04/2024 02:25

And can't type without glasses ..
Nor edit on the app ...sorry!

Appleblum · 26/04/2024 02:36

Very rude of her! Presumably your DS was still around while DiL was away, why didn't he (the parent) make sure that the homework was done?

Josette77 · 26/04/2024 02:44

I think it was a dig at your son since she was away.

mysteriousspiderbite · 26/04/2024 02:58

Bestyearever2024 · 25/04/2024 21:04

Next time you see DIL mention (kindly and with no edge) that you heard the homework comment and you're wondering if she'd like you to do homework with your GC because if so you'll need some guidance as to what homework yada yada

This is not a hill to die on imo

Rise above

Why 'kindly and with no edge'? Why 'rise above'?

At some point, one has to put one's foot down.

OP is not some handmaiden. She's 70, being used and criticised, by someone who can't be bothered parenting her own child or teaching them how to use cutlery, and sniping about how others care inadequately for him.