to have upheld the boundary?

[rainbowduplo]

My OH and I have a budgeting system which accounts for every penny. I didn't realise this was a 'thing' until yesterday, but apparently it's called zero-based budgeting. We each take the same amount as each other each month for personal spending (coffees, clothes, gym membership, etc) and then the rest goes into various accounts for our family life. For example mortgage and bills, everyday family spending, saving for annual costs (Christmas, car insurance), long term savings etc.

From my allowance I put a little into a long term savings pot and a little into a 'splurge' account (latest purchase was new hiking boots to replace my 10 year old ones, so bigger purchases like that come from here) and then the rest stays in my current account for coffees.

Today OH said he wants to buy himself something for £100-£150, using the family savings as he hasn't been putting anything of his allowance aside. I said that I use my allowance for that sort of thing so he should too, and he was really disappointed.

I know if the boot was on the other foot he'd say for me to take some out of savings without hesitation. But he also wants us to move soon which we're meant to be saving for, so I feel like every penny counts atm and this is a very personal purchase which he should either save up for using his money that he gets every month.

AIBU to hold the boundary? I'm such a people pleaser, I can feel myself being ready to say what he'd say to me and to just get it. I wish it didn't feel like it's been made my decision. Can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or not tbh!

I would agree to the spend this time on the basis he saves in future.

I guess it’s nice that he’s asking you. But if he’d let you……

I would let him but you take the same amount into your personal savings.

You’re not unreasonable at all, sounds like a misunderstanding which can now be corrected. On this occasion I’d be inclined to take the same amount for both of you from the shared account, that seems fair.

I don't think you're being unreasonable and I would hold the boundary. All the different pots mean nothing if you can just move money between them whenever you feel like it. If it's time sensitive I'd let him borrow from one account and pay it back next month.

I think you are right, unless it is something that he desperately needs. If it is just a nice thing he would like to get, then he can save up for it.

I'm assuming you actually need to account for every penny and aren't just doing it for frugal laughs (this is Mumsnet after all). If you actually have plenty of money I wouldn't be so strict.

What is he spending his personal spends on?

How much is the allowance you each get? This makes a difference IMO. I'd hate to ever be in a position that a purchase of £100-150 was out of reach due to some arbitrary rules around family savings, personal spend allocation, etc. But it very much depends how much money is available overall.

We also budget like this. But if it's something big like glasses (£500) that we need we take it out of savings. If it was walking boots, or a new coat we save up. We don't get much personal spends though so would take forever to save up!

Sounds rather joyless to me. Who made you the decider of all things financial? I’m also not a fan of the tone of ‘let him’. Aren’t these joint decisions?

Unless £150 is going to break the bank, surely it’s ok to flex sometimes.

If roles were reversed and this was a DH not ‘letting’ his wife dip into family savings for a item, there might be some different viewpoints

I would probably do what @Haydenn said. But I don’t think either of you are BU.

Just both take 150? That's fair but without being too controlling/inflexible. But do have a conversation about (both your) expectations to try and be on the same page for future spending.

Of course if 300 will cause financial difficulties that's another matter, and you might have to discuss whether his extra spend is something that you as a couple can afford.

DH & I also budget like this. In the past when we earned less, we wouldn’t have been able to dip into savings for something like this because it was all accounted for. Nowadays, there is more money around so it’s a bit different. Could you say he can take the money but needs to pay it back over the next few months from his personal spend? Really depends whether your budget is super tight, or there is a spare money.

You're hilarious 😂

A couple who save together and have discussions on how to spend their shared money is really so outlandish to you? She's said he'd be the one giving permission if the roles were reversed.

Agree with you though if 150 won't break the bank you should 'let him' OP. We all need a bit of slack sometimes and in the vast ocean of moving costs £150 isn't going to make a huge difference.

And this is why I don't share finances with dh. Would hate for someone to veto something I wanted to buy with money I'd earnt.

And this is why I love separate finances

personally I couldn’t live with the scrutiny of accounting for every penny and asking for permission to buy something

Why doesn’t he take the money then pay it back into savings over the next few months? You both “win” then.

Yes, is this an option?

How much do you get? If in reality it's little more than pocket/walking about money then yabu.
If its a sensible amount to clothe/save etc that's different

Hold the boundary.

If you are fortunate enough to be in the context where £100-150 isn't a huge deal, then he will likely have enough to buy whatever it is next month or the one after.

If you are not in that situation, then allowing him to splurge that amount of money would be a bad financial decision.

It's a no-brainer really.

Thanks for all the replies. Gave me food for thought. We had a good chat about it last night too.

@rwalker this isn't something we'd previously thought about. Could you kindly talk me through how it works in your circumstances? Are there shared bills, saving goals, large DIY projects etc? We also have a large wage discrepancy caused by career breaks. My OH and I were on the a similar wage before the children but he's now considerably ahead. As he was the driving force behind the kids he meets in the middle financially as he doesn't think it's fair I should be penalised.

AIBU

I'm too late to vote, but I think YANBU and you should hold the boundary, too.

personally I couldn’t live with the scrutiny of accounting for every penny and asking for permission to buy something

@rwalker but that is exactly why the OP and her dh have their own pot of money for spends (like so many other couples). No-one is accounting for every penny. He is only 'asking for permission to buy something' because he has already spent his spending money.
If you share finances with someone who can't budget, but your family are on a budget (like most families and couples in the real world), then having allocated amounts per month for "stuff" you fancy, gives some control to the family budget, whilst giving freedom to both individuals to treat themselves to "stuff" the other wouldn't "waste their money on" - be that smoking or coffees out or fancy clothes or having nails done or buying the latest gadget or whatever. The point is, they don't need permission, as they have completely free rein over the budget that the couple have for 'just spends'.

What if he gets it now, then replaces the joint savings over the next few months to make up for it?

After the amount has been replaced he could start to put money aside in the same way you do.