DSC reveal resentment

[newname72]

Posting here for traffic
Would appreciate honest, open and if needed harsh feedback.

DSC are adults. DH and I have teens - DSC half siblings

Today youngest DSC has confided that they all feel resentment and anger towards half siblings and DH's (and I suppose mine) treatment to the teens. Feel our DS's have had more opportunities and a more settled life then they had.

The main source of resentment seems to be financial. Mainly around gifts and occasions. Looking back, if I'm honest, we have spent more of DS's gifts at bdays and Xmas but I always rationalised that because the DSC always got gifts from their DM that this equalled things out. Maybe we got it wrong?

My parents have also spoilt our DS's and they get a lot financially from them. Again I rationalised this because equally DSC's grandparents on DM's side spoilt them.
DSC DM is also much better off than we are. She is able to still provide a lot of financial support to DSC and still takes them abroad yearly. We can not offer this even to our DS's at present and I suppose to some extent I have tried to overcompensate for this with DS. Please know I do not see it as competition, just mulling it all over to see the full picture.

I always expected some discord because DSs get more time with DH, being the resident children and we have always tried our hardest to make DSC feel included and treated the same in our home, but it seems DSC don't feel the same.

I'd really appreciate help how to go forward. I haven't told DH about this conversation and have encouraged DSC to talk to their Dad.

I loved my step siblings but yes they had more or everything ....more time with my dad. more material possessions etc

Nothing anyone could have done to change that tbf

Did you talk to him about it from your side or did he confide in you and it was mainly a one way conversation and your thoughts weren't shared? Children do see small things as big injustices. As DSC came to you do you think you should try to address it with what you have said above rather than him talking to his Dad first?

With our own children we have sometimes said let me have a think about that and come back to you if I can't answer something on the spot. So maybe suggesting seeing him again to get your side across but absolutely acknowledge that it must seem unfair from his point of view.

I mean ignoring the your parents as grandparents. Just as you shouldn’t have used that their mother buys them stuff as a reason to short change them.

Your children get both parents, the steps have to only ever have one parent at a time and then have to share them with someone who gets them full time.

They are not wrong are they, you jointly give your shared children more and try to over compensate when you know you have not spent as much on the dss, they are also not wrong that the new children get so much time with dad that they never did.

In theory their dad should be spending no more on your shared children then he does his own. He should also of made sure he was having time with them and not making it be only ever whole family or new child must be included all the time. Considering an age difference too.

9/10 the first children will feel some sort of resentment or dislike towards the second families children at least at one point it’s standard. They get everything the older ones don’t have and can never have. They don’t have just a home they have two houses they have to move between. They get to watch new siblings have the life they feel they should of had that was stolen away from them because of adult reasons but that doesn’t stop them resenting it as children and it festering and building.

Their mum has more money than you, they’ve presumably benefitted from that? Are they expecting you to match her spending even though you have less? Did DH pay maintenance when they were younger?

It’s interesting they’ve brought this to you and not their dad, do you know what they wanted to achieve or why they haven’t spoken to him?

Feel our DS's have had more opportunities and a more settled life then they had.

That is probably true. Your shared teenage children have not had to go through the parental separation that your step children did, they haven’t experienced their parents meeting new partners and having more children. Their lives must definitely be more settled and stable than your stepchildren’s lives have been.

It was quite one way as I wanted to let him feel heard. I know it's hard for them.
I did explain that lots of the funds used to treat the teens comes from me and my family. I explained I didn't want them to feel that their Dad spends more on the teens, it's just with both of our contributions to presents we can provide more.

I totally get the shared time thing and I do really feel for them. We try to make its as equal as possible but it just can't happen. We saw lots of them as little children but as expected adults have their own life.

DH does spend a lot of time with DSC without the teens x

Lots of maintenance and support through uni.

Less now they're adults. Obviously teens are now being supported through the same things they once were. Or so I thought, but maybe I'm looking at it with rose tinted glasses.

I am not sure why DSC came to me, maybe testing the waters?

I have a friend whose parents had a baby when he was 10. He loved his sister dearly but noted the ££s, the attention/time (his dad worked away but switched to working nearby when she was born). It wasn't resentment but noted and no divorce stuff to muddy the waters.
But then his dad died and he realised just how much more time he had had with him.
So play the long game. Suggest some more 1:1 time for now.

when i met my DH his childen were already grown adults and away from home, mine were young teens, we do not have any children together.

right from the start it was made clear that as adults they will get a meal on their birthday (if time allows work etc) and a small cash gift and a card. they are grown adults there is no need to adorn them with gifts. Christmas we all agreed as there are so many of us, we would do a secret santa to keep costs down for everyone but we also gave a gift of the usual 'stocking fillers' chocs, alcohol and smellies.

my children received probably more lavish gifts on their birthdays but when they hit 18, they fell under the same rule as the DSC.

DH's children even as adults resent my children, but i think its a bit more complicated, they had a rough upbringing for reasons i wont go into, mine were brought up differently.

Your DSC came to you as he trusts you. He has been honest about how he feels. Why not acknowledge his viewpoint i.e. he has a less stable life moving between two houses, and you did spend less, even if for what you saw as good reasons. It is important I think to acknowledge these facts, even if you explain why it was that way.
Given that he trusts you I would then ask him how he thought things could be made fairer going forward.
IME when children are trying to explain how they feel in a measured way, rather than screaming and shouting, they tend to be seeking pretty reasonable solutions as well. Trust him as he has trusted you.

It is interesting that they brought this up with you rather than their dad who is presumably the source of their discontent. This makes me wonder if they see you as the person who made more of effort with them and your actions highlighted their father’s comparative lack of effort.

And sometimes children are fine with what is happening now, but simply want to be listened to and the past acknowledged. So do not assume he wants anything to be different now, although he may do.

The upshot is even full siblings never have the same parents. First borns have their parents all to themselves, subsequent children have to share. There are differences in finances, it is never equal, My Mum always tried really hard to make things fair, not equal because you can't. My second child is 3 years younger than his brother. He knows house prices are only going one way so whilst his brother will start saving this year after uni graduation he will probably struggle more to get on the property ladder because he is 3 year behind. He is studying economics. Uni finances we will try to make as fair as possible, one Child Tax Fund didn't do as well as the other etc.

I get he is upset, his parents marriage broke down and he sees what he should have had, two parents living together, not having to divide his time between the two houses. It is shit but it is done. You cannot change the past so what does he want going forward?

@TheNapkinPot maybe just for reality to be acknowledged?
Being heard can be very powerful.

Thank you for some really sound advice.

I really agree. I did apologise to him and said that we have only ever tried to do our best, but I wanted him to know I acknowledged his points as valid. Maybe I need to explain our side of things more, chat more adult to adult.

I think they're all very angry at DH (and DM) for messy divorce. Maybe this is how they're vocalising their upset.

The reason I advised they speak with their Dad is I feel there's deeper things they need to go over.

But I really appreciate all your ideas and I'll see how I can implement them. Thank you for being so gentle x

I did mention this in the chat today. I explained that even my DSs feel jealous of each other.

There's 10 years between DSC and youngest teen and I did explain eve become better parents as we've learned.

I also explained that the dynamics of two parents being together is very different but I wanted to tread very carefully as I didn't want him to think I was dismissive of anything he said

The fact that dsc came to speak with you and not their dad says a great deal about their relationship with you and their relationship with him. They probably realise that you did try to be fair but feel resentment and anger towards their father - there’s more to this than just more lavish gifts etc. Keep the lines of communication open and get them to speak with your DH.
How old are they and how old are your dc?

I'm have two children to my husband and two to my ex. I spend more to the children with my husband and lesson. The others as they get from their dad!

He's an adult not a child. Time he grew up. I can understand you letting him have his say but you have done nothing wrong at all. Different sets of grandparents provide for their own grandchildren.

He really does need to grow up.

It's really good that they are talking to you about it and that you are listening and reflecting...xx

So they get a little less from their Dad, but more overall? They sounds quite materialistic and like they measure relationships by money and what they can get.

He did comment that he thinks DH treats the teens differently. That he's a better father to them. Ive didn't say this but I don't see this. But of course I acknowledge his experience is his experience.

I tried to explain that if there's difference in parenting it's because I'm around and I have an influence on his parenting of them.

I explained I love them dearly but always left the parenting of them up to their mum and dad.

@newname72 Your DH may be a better parent to your teens. It is easier to parent children when the parents are still together in a loving relationship, than co-parent after a divorce.

It does sound like your DH needs to make a bit of extra effort to show how much he loves your SDS.
We do this with young children when they are feeling insecure, a bit of love bombing, even if we do not think their feelings of insecurity are based on reality. But teenagers sometimes need the same approach.
You can't easily get rid of feelings with facts. Much more effective to address those feelings with actions that address the feelings.

What I mean by that is imagine your DH was feeling that you were less interested and may be questioning the relationship. You may know factually there is no way that you are questioning the relationship, but you may simply be tired and busy. But simply telling him those facts, but continuing in the same way will not address his underlying fears. Instead most of us would make sure we made a bit more effort to show our love and appreciation, even if it is just saying I really love you once a day. Your SDS may benefit from a similar approach by his dad.

We did the opposite and spent much more on DSC to compensate, their mother was also extremely wealthy due to high value divorce from DH and high spousal maintenance, but young adult DSC still feel hard done by financially.

Children are quick to find injustice, as PP said.

Fundamentally, no one is ever going to be able to give them as settled a life as a nuclear family. There isn’t really anything anyone can do about that.

You sound like a good person, try not to worry.