DSC reveal resentment

[newname72]

Posting here for traffic
Would appreciate honest, open and if needed harsh feedback.

DSC are adults. DH and I have teens - DSC half siblings

Today youngest DSC has confided that they all feel resentment and anger towards half siblings and DH's (and I suppose mine) treatment to the teens. Feel our DS's have had more opportunities and a more settled life then they had.

The main source of resentment seems to be financial. Mainly around gifts and occasions. Looking back, if I'm honest, we have spent more of DS's gifts at bdays and Xmas but I always rationalised that because the DSC always got gifts from their DM that this equalled things out. Maybe we got it wrong?

My parents have also spoilt our DS's and they get a lot financially from them. Again I rationalised this because equally DSC's grandparents on DM's side spoilt them.
DSC DM is also much better off than we are. She is able to still provide a lot of financial support to DSC and still takes them abroad yearly. We can not offer this even to our DS's at present and I suppose to some extent I have tried to overcompensate for this with DS. Please know I do not see it as competition, just mulling it all over to see the full picture.

I always expected some discord because DSs get more time with DH, being the resident children and we have always tried our hardest to make DSC feel included and treated the same in our home, but it seems DSC don't feel the same.

I'd really appreciate help how to go forward. I haven't told DH about this conversation and have encouraged DSC to talk to their Dad.

There's two issues really. The feeling of lacking stability and seperately, the financial/material inequality.

Unfortunately it's perfectly natural that these things happened under the circumstances. Their parents weren't together and that shuffling around comes with that. Their younger siblings didn't have that but there's not much that could have happened otherwise unless they are particularly resentful for reason of infedelity or similar. I'm still angry with my dad but not for the devorce but for LEAVING, he left the city, then the country. He didn't need to do that.

The second problem, that of material inequality is harder. Only you can say if the older children were treated differently, but you can justify it easily as they are only getting gifts from one parent where as the younger kids are getting gifts from both. It would be interesting to ask did they feel both their combined gifts between house hold was more or less then the younger kids. I suspect that with you in the picture they could well have ended up with more but because on the day of gift opening specifically they saw the younger kids opening more then them, they registered that as inequality. They presumably went back to mum and opened even more presents.

As an adult, he needs to understand your children's experiences and gifts come from BOTH of you, not just DH. If he adds his mums experiences & gifts to his Dads, he's probably ended up with much more than your kids. He has his own Grandparents, why does he expect your parents to treat him exactly the same? Does his mum's parents treat your kids the same??

obviously it's hard for them to have THEIR DAD living with your joint children, but that can't be helped if his parents got divorced.

I hated my Dad working away. He'd often stay with a friend & their children (instead of a hotel) & I was jealous & resentful of their time together. So I do 'get' it.

but at the same time. He can't expect to get the same gifts etc from half his parents & extra from his mother, because yours to your joint kids are from BOTH their parents.

I think it's positive your DSC has confided this. They obviously feel they can talk to you and at least it's not a simmering resentment if it's out in the open.

I think some inequality is probably inevitable in the circumstances you describe and there might not be anything you can do to right that, it's just how it is. I just think talking, genuinely hearing and acknowledging their side and calmly putting your side across is the starting point.

Just to add OP, do not fall into the trap of trying to win the argument with SDS and counsel your DH not to do this either.
It is really easy to fall into this trap and you can see some of that thinking in some comments here about your SDS must understand, or he has to realise.
It is not about winning, but about trying to continue a good relationship going ahead and even improve it. I would try and keep that uppermost as the outcome being what you want to achieve for the future, rather than want you to achieve in a particular discussion as that often leads to the feeling I want to be right and win.

This may not apply here if their DM is very wealthy/generous, but is part of the issue that your shared children can get one main high-value gift from their combined parents on 'occasions' but although the step-children have the same overall budget, they can only get two unrelated medium-sized things (so never get to receive the really expensive items)?

Another thing is - are they expected to get you anything at Christmas or on your birthday?

Because with step-children it can often be "you only get given the value of gifts that come from your DF because the rest are from your DM" on the one hand, but "you need to buy everyone in the family a present (so possibly two parents plus two step-parents, plus step-siblings on both sides), we are a family who live in this house all together and you mustn't exclude your step-mum" on the other.

I think in any family with an age gap you can get resentment because of difference in health, time or wealth.

The difference my older sister's childhood to my brother's (7 years) was big. I don't think my parents stopped worrying about money until she'd left home (everything was assessed on whether it could be afforded). There was also a couple of activities she wanted to do that dm couldn't take her too because it was too far and later for getting dbro to bed on time (df worked too late to help that way).
I think there were three activities she really wanted to do when she was aged 10-15 and all of them came into too expensive or too far.
By the time my bro was secondary age neither of those would have been an issue because there wasn't a baby to go to bed, and there was that much more money about because dm was working more and df had moved up the line of promotion.

You could ask if it would help if you tried to explain. It might not help. But if you do do that, I would go in prepared to apologise. And I would suggest you do it with agreement that you don't interrupt each other, so let each other finish.

I'd also ask, are they parents yet? I know for both me and my dsis we found becoming a parent opened our eyes to some things we hadn't really thought of before and knew the reasoning without being told. Things like dsis used to moan about going to the beach every day on holiday. She wanted to do activities. She realised as a parent that beach cost = £1.50 car parking. Going to an activity cost = 5 x £5 for a cheap activity.

Nobody said life was fair. They can choose to live with jealousy and resentment or they can choose to be happy. You can't make everything equal and fair even with just your own children. I'd just say. I'm sorry you feel this way.

There are a lot of wicket step parents out there. Just the fact that you came on hear worried says a lot about you. You did such a great job hearing him out. I don't think you really could have done anything differently. There will always be some level of difference on both sides. Sounds to me you did a great job.

You mistake was to consider what they get from their mother in the equation. What they get from her is irrelevant, it’s about what they get from their dad and how that sits within that family.

Children of divorced/separated parents get a really shit deal. There's no way around it. Parents and step-parents are far, far too quick to downplay how utterly rubbish divorce is for children. It's important that they should be able to talk about how this has affected them, even as adults, and be assured that they have every right to feel that way.

Please don't say this. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a passive-aggressive way of avoiding responsibility.

I agree, although I understand OP why you made the decision you did. Step children lose out inevitably in a lot of ways. Normally the only advantage they get is extra presents.

You sound like a very thoughtful and kind stepmum who has done your best for DSC. It does sound as though the break-up of their parents has caused them a lot of pain and upset and that they feel jealous that your children have had a more settled easy childhood. There's not much you can do about that but you did the right thing by listening and validating their feelings. I would encourage them to share how they feel with your husband. It's really up to him to improve the relationship with them and acknowledge the difficulties they have faced.

Absolutely this.

I agree with others that the fact they have spoken to you speaks volumes about their relationship with their father.

I think this is less about gifts and more about time/attention/parenting. Your children got to grow up in a happy family with their dad always present. The adult children did not. And while you can understand why as an adult, as ten year old child, you just think your dad left cos he doesn't love you as much as the new family. That does take time to heal.

I think you've done the right thing to listen to their feelings. I don't think there is much you can do to change any of it now anyway in a meaningful way. But acknowledging their feelings on the matter and encouraging your DH to do the same could help.

I find things like this bizarre.

I have much younger step siblings and whilst I can recognise they have received more than me financially, I’m a mature adult and therefore it doesn’t bother me. I can see the situation my parents were in was different back then and I wasn’t able to have the same help as when I was their age. But that’s fine. I don’t understand adults who harbour resentment and say “it’s not fair!”

I think as others have said, children are quick to perceive injustices against them, but never notice when they’ve been given more. It’s totally fair to factor in their mums contribution, so they received a contribution from their two parents and your children received a contribution from two parents also.
i agree that siblings to the same parents can have very different upbringings and become jealous of this fact too.
I think ultimately it comes down to the fact that he’s hurt because he wished he’d grown up in a house with both parents together. But there’s nothing you can do about that. Alternatively he’s giving you a guilt trip before asking for a handout 😂

@EmilyTjP It is about love and feeling secure in that love.