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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why I feel nothing after break up?

30 replies

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 14:47

Been with exDP for 8 years, 3 DC together.

We split 2 months ago but still living together while I look for somewhere else to live.
Mortgage is in his name only.
We're finally moving out next week!

He used to be very hard working, which I loved about him. Although was very controlling and a pain in the arse to live with.
I really did love him though.

Since late last year, he quit his job and spends all his time gaming. Thought he was going to make thousands from this but that's still not panned out.

I couldn't take being ignored anymore and doing all the kid stuff while he was spending every waking hour on his computer.
So we split, although he thinks this is my fault because I was always moaning at him. Not taking into account I was working full time and do absolutely everything in the house and with the DC. He did not lift a finger.
At this point I was heartbroken.

We tried again for a week and then he didn't speak to me for 2 days and then when I finally got it out of him what was wrong he said he was angry that I was being too tactile with him. Well I lost it and we didn't say a word to each other for a week. Things are better now and we are getting on well but I think after this anger at making me feel so disgusting I've just closed off completely.

Since then, he's completely stepped away from family life, we see him twice a day while he collects meals and back upstairs again.
Barely says 2 words to DC.
Not in any kind of way that he's moody or anything, he just has better things to do in his mind I guess.

I expect I should feel sad or something.. it's giving me more anxiety that I don't, I don't really feel anything. But he was the love of my life for many years, I just don't think he's the same person anymore.

I'm almost expecting to break down at some point once we've moved out.

Anyone had experience of this?
I don't know if I'm just numb right now or I am actually ok.

OP posts:
Lassiata · 25/04/2024 14:49

Contempt and resentment kill love. His selfishness and nastiness have killed yours. You've already grieved that loss.
You're okay, OP. You're just done.

Lassiata · 25/04/2024 14:49

Please stop cooking for him...

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 25/04/2024 14:50

You’ve got through alot OP. He doesn’t sound like a great partner or father. You’re doing great, no one tells you how you should handle these things!

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 14:51

Lassiata · 25/04/2024 14:49

Contempt and resentment kill love. His selfishness and nastiness have killed yours. You've already grieved that loss.
You're okay, OP. You're just done.

Ah, yes that would make total sense.
I think he has killed any feelings I had left. Thank you for that.

With regards to cooking, I'm only sometimes sticking extra in if he wants while I'm cooking for DC. He usually does his own.

Still trying to keep things friendly for DC I guess..

OP posts:
ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 14:53

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 25/04/2024 14:50

You’ve got through alot OP. He doesn’t sound like a great partner or father. You’re doing great, no one tells you how you should handle these things!

No you're right, he hasn't been.

He's one of these. It's his way or no way.

I'm just sad for my DC that he's really not bothered. Also planning on selling up and going back to his home country.
I feel sad for them. They deserve better.

OP posts:
Nagado · 25/04/2024 14:57

I think everyone has a shit level. They’ll tolerate and forgive all sorts of shit, but one day, their person will do something, probably really small and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, and they will suddenly find that they have hit their limit and are completely done with tolerating or forgiving any more shit. I think you’ve hit yours.

Haydenn · 25/04/2024 14:58

Sometimes people just push you far too far. It sounds like you now see him for who he truly is and that makes him a difficult person to love anymore. Relationships that end like this feel very different to the ones where you love someone and it isn’t reciprocated or if they don’t work out. As you say, it doesn’t feel quite right- but that is why you are leaving.
best of luck

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 15:00

Nagado · 25/04/2024 14:57

I think everyone has a shit level. They’ll tolerate and forgive all sorts of shit, but one day, their person will do something, probably really small and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, and they will suddenly find that they have hit their limit and are completely done with tolerating or forgiving any more shit. I think you’ve hit yours.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

I could list so many awful things he's done over the years but I won't bore you with it. I put up with so much for so long, thinking "oh it's just how he is".

Was going to book a therapy session for this but don't think I'll need to now Grin thank you all

OP posts:
paintingvenice · 25/04/2024 15:00

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 14:53

No you're right, he hasn't been.

He's one of these. It's his way or no way.

I'm just sad for my DC that he's really not bothered. Also planning on selling up and going back to his home country.
I feel sad for them. They deserve better.

They will have better. They’ll have a happy mum who isn’t giving headspace to this loser of a man. You and your kids will be fine OP.💐💐

meganorks · 25/04/2024 15:00

You said you were heartbroken, so you've done that bit. Now you are ready to move out and get on with your life. If I was you I think I would be quite excited!

2 months is a long time to live with someone after splitting up and he's not done anything in that time to show a better side of himself - onwards and upwards!

Incidentally, how is he planning to fund his lifestyle or just pay his mortgage if you are the only one earning?! Not your problem at all, I'm just curious.

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 15:01

Haydenn · 25/04/2024 14:58

Sometimes people just push you far too far. It sounds like you now see him for who he truly is and that makes him a difficult person to love anymore. Relationships that end like this feel very different to the ones where you love someone and it isn’t reciprocated or if they don’t work out. As you say, it doesn’t feel quite right- but that is why you are leaving.
best of luck

I think even a year ago, I would have crumbled at the thought of losing him so I think something must have definitely switched in me to be so ok.

OP posts:
GlitteryFarts · 25/04/2024 15:02

From my own experience I can say after lots of splitting up and getting back together with my kids dad, the final time I felt nothing. I didn't cry, didn't miss him....nothing at all. I too worried it would hit me at some point but 7 years later I think I'm safe to say it won't now! I've come to realise its because the relationship had already ended long before I realised. All those emotions had already been felt while we were together so when it was final I felt nothing as it was just an end to the limbo. I'd already grieved and there was no love left because he wasn't the person I had fell in love with.

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 15:03

meganorks · 25/04/2024 15:00

You said you were heartbroken, so you've done that bit. Now you are ready to move out and get on with your life. If I was you I think I would be quite excited!

2 months is a long time to live with someone after splitting up and he's not done anything in that time to show a better side of himself - onwards and upwards!

Incidentally, how is he planning to fund his lifestyle or just pay his mortgage if you are the only one earning?! Not your problem at all, I'm just curious.

You're probably right actually, I've done the grieving part.

I do feel excited, as do DC. They are mostly happy that they are allowed scooters for their new garden. That's another story!

Well, he'll be selling up and leaving the country and living off grid apparently.. the joys of 0 responsibilities ey.

Can't afford to give me any money for DC either; already made that very clear!

OP posts:
ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 15:04

GlitteryFarts · 25/04/2024 15:02

From my own experience I can say after lots of splitting up and getting back together with my kids dad, the final time I felt nothing. I didn't cry, didn't miss him....nothing at all. I too worried it would hit me at some point but 7 years later I think I'm safe to say it won't now! I've come to realise its because the relationship had already ended long before I realised. All those emotions had already been felt while we were together so when it was final I felt nothing as it was just an end to the limbo. I'd already grieved and there was no love left because he wasn't the person I had fell in love with.

That's resonated with me, I think that's definitely how I'm feeling.

Getting rid of dead weight I suppose.
Thank you

OP posts:
Pheasantsmate · 25/04/2024 15:05

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 15:03

You're probably right actually, I've done the grieving part.

I do feel excited, as do DC. They are mostly happy that they are allowed scooters for their new garden. That's another story!

Well, he'll be selling up and leaving the country and living off grid apparently.. the joys of 0 responsibilities ey.

Can't afford to give me any money for DC either; already made that very clear!

How the fuck is he going to play computer games if he’s living off grid 😂😂😂 what a plan! What a guy 🤣🤣🤣 oh OP you are well out of this. What a clown.

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 15:06

@Pheasantsmate a generator apparently 🤣
Thank you I appreciate that!

OP posts:
theworldie · 25/04/2024 15:14

Oh good grief, what an absolute loser.

Im not surprised you’re feeling nothing - he adds nothing but negativity to your life.

His disinterest in your dcs and the fact he’s already brazenly announced he won’t be contributing financially and is moving abroad? He’s an evil bastard - What the hell kind of father does that?

You are going to be SO much better off without this pos. Well done you for getting out! Any normal person would be ashamed of themselves - he’s scum.

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 15:34

theworldie · 25/04/2024 15:14

Oh good grief, what an absolute loser.

Im not surprised you’re feeling nothing - he adds nothing but negativity to your life.

His disinterest in your dcs and the fact he’s already brazenly announced he won’t be contributing financially and is moving abroad? He’s an evil bastard - What the hell kind of father does that?

You are going to be SO much better off without this pos. Well done you for getting out! Any normal person would be ashamed of themselves - he’s scum.

Yeah, when you put it like that, it's absolutely awful isn't it.

And there's me almost feeling sorry for him, wondering how he will manage 😂 it's funny how we can sometimes see these behaviours as normal or justifiable.

I think once I've moved into my new home and can breathe without walking on egg shells it will hit me just how abnormal my life has been over the last 8 years.
Something to look forward to!

OP posts:
ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 16:07

Thank you all for your responses. I feel so much lighter now seeing it from an outsides point of view.

Mumsnet can be brilliant, thank you

OP posts:
allthevitamins · 25/04/2024 18:08

Just be careful of the kids passports...

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 18:11

allthevitamins · 25/04/2024 18:08

Just be careful of the kids passports...

That was the first thing I removed from the safe. They're in my possession 😊 hidden!

OP posts:
allthevitamins · 25/04/2024 18:14

Well done Chippy xx

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 18:21

allthevitamins · 25/04/2024 18:14

Well done Chippy xx

Thank you 🩷 maybe I will be alright doing this adult thing alone!

Going to find some threads about how fun it is to be eternally single 😅

OP posts:
ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 25/04/2024 18:38

Lassiata · 25/04/2024 14:49

Contempt and resentment kill love. His selfishness and nastiness have killed yours. You've already grieved that loss.
You're okay, OP. You're just done.

As often happens, the first post nails it.

You're not in love anymore as his behaviour has ruined it all.

ChippyChips1 · 25/04/2024 18:47

@ShadesofPoachedSmoke you're right.

Unfortunately my self confidence is on the floor after all these years. I can't even believe in myself to be ok with my decisions.

Ridiculous really.

OP posts:
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