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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Want to kick ex husband out but can't?? Won't?? Help!

40 replies

Mummypig16 · 25/04/2024 14:32

To start off I'm very non confrontational and the last 10 years of my life have been spent not being able to speak my mind to my husband due to him shutting me down and gas lighting me into me thinking I'm in the wrong.

Anyways! We split up 6 weeks ago. He has finally told his family but they won't let him move in but also told me I can't keep living with him (??? Idk what they expect me to say to that).
He barely has any money and insists he knows we're over. I want him gone but we're both on the tenancy (private renting) though I'm lead tenant and my dad is guarantor.
I don't want to lose my house but he cant/won't leave because he'll be homeless. I couldn't live with myself if he was homeless cause he's a great dad to our 2 dds.
BUT I can't keep living like this. I want to be rid, I'm so over this marriage and I'm ready to MOVE ON and discover happiness as a single mum.
My parents offered to let me n my girls move in with them from July (once my brother finishes his exams) so I can save up some money and be rid of him. But then that's leaving him homeless again cause he can't afford the house on his own and he's not having custody of our kids (we agreed this).
My head is frazzled and I just had the full blown guilt trip and sobbing from him when I told him I'm seriously considering moving out in July. I can't keep living with him, I just can't. But I dont wanna lose the house so I could stick it out a bit longer but my worry is how much longer?? Will he ever leave??
So am I the biggest asshole for this?
Any questions just ask, happy to provide more info

OP posts:
MississippiAF · 25/04/2024 14:34

He’s not your problem, bluntly. Take the offer from your family; tell him now and give notice on your rental.

Greywitch2 · 25/04/2024 14:37

He's a grown up. It's his problem, not yours.

I suggest you speak to the LL about whether you can move the tenancy into your sole name and get him out. If not, then tell them you'll not be renewing the tenancy when it's up.

What he does is up to him. Sobbing? Pathetically manipulative.

olderbutwiser · 25/04/2024 14:40

What a very horrible and difficult position for you to be in.

So he doesn’t work? Unfortunately however long you give him he’s going to be “homeless” when either he or you move out. If you gave him longer what does he plan to do about finding somewhere to live? Aren’t you just delaying the inevitable?

JovialNickname · 25/04/2024 14:41

You've got to toughen up and give notice on your rental / move it into your sole name and kick him out, unfortunately. I know it's hard but splitting up means just that sadly. It means you're not responsible for him any more. You could think of it another way; if he couldn't afford a place alone he's had it good from the sweat off your back for a long time. He's had a good run. Now he finally has to start taking some responsibility for himself.

Spirallingdownwards · 25/04/2024 14:44

Not your circus not your monkeys anymore.

He is the one making himself homeless not you. It is on him to sort himself out.

GerbilsForever24 · 25/04/2024 14:45

This is incredibly difficult. Why is it so impossible for him to rent? Does he not work?

All I can tell you is that you hvae two choices here:

1 You can continue to be responsible for him, which will help you feel better from a moral perspective but will completely destroy your own mental (and probably financial) health.

2 you can cut him loose, accept that he will have a tough time as a result and harden your heart in the interests of protecting yourself, and your DC.

Neither are great options, but I speak from experience when I tell you that there is no magic 3rd option.

You say he's a good dad - but what does that look like? Because unless he is genuinely doing half the childcare, half the mental load etc, he's not a good dad. It's bad enough when a dad thinks that it's okay for 80% of his contribution to be financial, but when he doesn't even do that.... he's not a good dad. And I am guessing this is a large part of why you have ended it.

BMW6 · 25/04/2024 14:46

He's a grown man with family.

Kick his ass out.

GerbilsForever24 · 25/04/2024 14:46

Oh, and to answer your "will he ever leave" question. of course not. why would he leave? You are paying all the bills and he has a lovely cushy life. Of course he's not going to leave.

So you might be forced to move out and find somewher else for you and the DC. You can ask the LL re removing him from the tenancy but again, I speak from expereince when I say it's a lot harder ot get him out under those situations. Cancelling the entire lease and moving is a LOT easier.

maddening · 25/04/2024 14:46

He could get a job and earn money to rent?

MsMarch · 25/04/2024 14:54

Fascinating that his family won't help him out. Is he a lazy, good for nothing wanker who has been sponging off you for a long time and, before that, from his family?

It's incredibly hard when you've been with one of these man children because it feels like you're abandoning them. They've spent your entire relationship convincing you that they simply are not able to do all these things that normal, functional adults do - work, cook, clean, look after children, plan activities, manage the mental load, shop, drive etc etc etc - and without realising it, you've slipped into feeling like his caretaker and, ultimately, responsible for him.

But remember this - he may think he can't do all these things because he's been happily letting you do them all (hopefully not my ENTIRE list, but I wouldn't be surprised). But of course he can. And if he can't, it's really not your problem.

However, be prepared - once he realises you're staying firm he will most likely swing between intense efforts to make you feel guilty and screaming accusations about what a terrible person you are. Most likely, he will also bring the DC into it and attempt to manipulate them and/or use them as a tool to manipulate you ("I can't fetch the children from school for you - why should I? You've just dumped me on my ass with nowhere to live).

You will, sadly, most likely have to move to get rid of him. Be prepared for him to disappear if you do - on you and the DC. Or, to use every trick int he book to stay with you - "I'll just come on the weekends" or whatever. He may also allow himself to be homeless and will send you messages/pictures of him living in his car, or in a park. Suicide threats are common.

It's really hard. If you're so inclined, can you pay a deposit for him somewhere - like lodging? Or help him look into what benefits he might be eligible for? Why doesn't he have any money?

Amonthinthecountry · 25/04/2024 15:08

Can’t he get a room in a shared house?

goodnessidontknow · 25/04/2024 15:18

Please be very careful about leaving your rental property if your father is guarantor. If your husband doesn't pay the rent your dad would end up having to pay and it can be really difficult to bring the agreement to and end.

petalsandstars · 25/04/2024 15:20

I voted YABU. purely because YABU to keeping letting him stay. He can get a job and support himself as an adult. There’s no need for you to feel guilty for making him homeless. That’s not on you. If he truely refuses to leave then take up your family’s offer and stay with them for a bit then get a new place for you and the DC

edited to add that’s assuming you can just give notice for all of you to leave to the landlord and it won’t really cost you anything.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/04/2024 15:21

MississippiAF · 25/04/2024 14:34

He’s not your problem, bluntly. Take the offer from your family; tell him now and give notice on your rental.

This

Newestname002 · 25/04/2024 15:49

Greywitch2 · 25/04/2024 14:37

He's a grown up. It's his problem, not yours.

I suggest you speak to the LL about whether you can move the tenancy into your sole name and get him out. If not, then tell them you'll not be renewing the tenancy when it's up.

What he does is up to him. Sobbing? Pathetically manipulative.

Yes this OP.

He's been gaslighting you, stonewalling you and now he's playing you.

He doesn't care for you but is happy to maintain the status quo regarding you providing accommodation, utilities and any chores you're currently doing for him.

His parents sound lovely 🙄

Let him stand in his own two feet, you take up your parents' offer. He can't afford to stay there and you don't want your parents to still be guarantors if you leave but he's still on the lease... 🌹

LookItsMeAgain · 25/04/2024 16:24

He should present himself at his local council housing office as homeless. He's an adult - time to start acting like one.

He needs to be gone from your home.

Let your landlord know that from X date, you will be moving out and as you're the lead tenant on the agreement, this will be the situation. You've advised your ex-husband of this too. Send him a letter to the same effect. Treat it as you would any contract. I'd also get a solicitor to set the ball in motion for a divorce. Again - I'd try as hard as possible to remove all emotion out of the situation for as long as you can.

lamptabletv · 25/04/2024 16:38

Ah, that sounds so tricky and stressful.

Before you decide what to do seek proper advice on your housing situation. Speak to housing at the council. Phone Shelter. Or make an appointment with CAB. Maybe even call Rights of Women.

Please know that he is no longer your responsibility. He needs to take care of himself now.

Your energy and focus is best placed into you and the kids. Take your time, get advice, have a calm think on it and then take action.

Stay safe.

I hope you feel better soon x

Mummypig16 · 25/04/2024 16:58

Sorry I should have clarified.
He does have a full time job, he gets 1400 pm pre tax but pays 400 child maintenance, council tax, normal tax and tends to withdraw half his wages throughout the month (I thought to help with bills but actually turns out he was buying weed with it. Yep he has a weed addiction!)
I make him sound like such a catch don't I. He's made a mug out of me for so bloody long and I'm so tired of it.
I work 3/4 days a week as a carer so long shifts, he has his days off on days I work and vice versa to help with childcare

OP posts:
Mummypig16 · 25/04/2024 16:58

Child maintenance is for his 2 children from a previous relationship!

OP posts:
LeChatChat · 25/04/2024 17:03

Well then, he has enough money to rent a bedsit if he has £500 a month after normal expenses. When is the lease up? I would take him off it and get him removed - do not leave him in the house on his own when your dad is liable for any missng rent.

coconutpie · 25/04/2024 17:04

Kick him out OP. He's not your problem.

Starsandflowers · 25/04/2024 17:07

Move in with your parents or kick him out. You aren't actually doing him any favours by allowing him to stay. You aren't helping him or the children because it's enabling him. He's an addict and he has to face the actual consequences of his behaviour and how he spends his money in order to get better.
All you would be doing by allowing him to stay or staying there yourself so he can afford to stay there, is letting him continue with his addiction.
He is an adult. He is NOT your responsibility. It us NOT in your children's best interests for tou to be sheltering him from his own behaviour.

JadeSheep · 25/04/2024 17:10

He's a fucking drug addict? Are you having a laugh?

I get so pissed off on here when women use the line "he's a good father" then the next post is he uses several quid a month on fucking drugs

Mummypig16 · 25/04/2024 17:33

JadeSheep · 25/04/2024 17:10

He's a fucking drug addict? Are you having a laugh?

I get so pissed off on here when women use the line "he's a good father" then the next post is he uses several quid a month on fucking drugs

Look, I'm not defending him. He used to have weed occasionally on an evening once kids were in bed and I was okay with that. But he's been hiding how much he's been smoking and doing it behind my back. I didn't realise how bad it had gotten.
On paper yes he's a good dad. He is a very loving parent, he cooks, takes them to school etc. The minimum. He's not a dead beat dad, I know he loves them. But it's not enough and he's not putting them first. So he's not a reliable dad.

OP posts:
PicaK · 25/04/2024 17:35

Can i just check when you started renting. Will you get another place easily? The rental market has changed so much.