Was DP’s comment insensitive?

[aridiculousargument]

I spoke to my GP yesterday as I suspect I might have arthritis. My fingers can get stiff, swollen and painful, this has been going on for a while but it used to be one finger only, now it’s 6 across both hands.
I’m 37 and it’s more likely it would be rheumatic.
GP said to have X rays and blood tests.
I’m sort of upset and concerned, of course - as anyone would be at the possibility of having a chronic, painful and debilitating condition.

I love music and have wanted to play the bass since I was a teenager. My parents never supported it (they had the means), as they never did anything I was interested in. Long story short, they were emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive. Music brought me solace during a less than ideal upbringing. As an adult I didn’t pursue learning an instrument - I moved country at 19, have supported myself without help since then and didn’t have the confidence to do things for myself like indulging in learning an instrument . I’ve mentioned to my DP that not learning to play the bass is a big regret of mine.

yesterday evening, I was telling DP what the GP said about tests and arthritis etc and said “I’ve always wanted to play the bass and now I probably won’t ever be able to”.
DP replies “well maybe you should’ve played the bass, it might have prevented the arthritis!”.

I was shocked. It was a throwaway comment/clumsy joke, whatever, but I couldn’t believe how insensitive he was. I was really upset.

he was very surprised at my reaction. Totally didn’t see it was something insensitive, that it was just a throwaway comment.
he wasn’t nasty or disrespectful when he expressed this, but he was just really surprised that I had seen it that way. He apologised.

I know he didn’t mean to upset me, he’s a loving, caring and supportive partner at all times, really. But caring people can make clumsy, insensitive ‘jokes’ sometimes.

AIBU for finding his comment really insensitive? I have a history of overreacting to things so sometimes doubt myself.

You are overreacting

Only make a deal of this comment if you never drop the ball and say the wrong thing yourself.

I personally wouldn’t have found it insensitive. I think understandably you have attached deeper feelings to it. Feelings about the abuse you suffered growing up. Feelings of sorrow that your parents didn’t support your dream of playing the bass. Playing the bass has been a long held dream for you, one you now may not be able to fulfil. You’re mourning your past. 💐

YABU and OTT

I mean, you feel how you feel, but it does seem something of an overreaction to a slightly silly response. I can imagine you’re worried by your potential diagnosis, but I think I’d be slightly impatient with someone in their late 30s still blaming their parents for not letting them learn a musical instrument, when they’ve repeatedly chosen not to take it up themselves in adulthood.

Are you saying your fingers are currently too painful for you to start lessons?

Probably a misjudged comment but It's certainly not worth writing long 7 paragraphs over.

Well obviously playing the bass doesn’t prevent RA, if that’s what it is, but maybe he’s confusing RA with OA and genuinely thinks it might have. I don’t understand why you haven’t tried to play in almost 20 years if it’s so important to you. Even if it is RA, you will get treatment for that and could still learn to play. It’s not a very difficult instrument to learn.

I’m not blaming my parents. It was context as to why I didn’t when I was younger. Tricky to buy an instrument as a teenager without support. I could’ve done it as an adult, for whatever reasons I didn’t, and have said so.

Thank you

I think your DH was kinder than I would have been. I would have laughed (not at your arthritis not be clear) but at your statement.

Well, then clearly it wasn’t important enough to you to do it, and would continue to have been put on the long finger (sorry, that’s an inappropriate metaphor in the circumstances). I do appreciate it’s hard to recognise this is something external circumstances will now prevent you from doing, but I think you need to recognise that you’ve had fifteen or more years during which you could have learned but chose not to.

It’s not necessarily too painful - it’s stiff and a bit painful but I don’t even know what it takes to learn (dexterity wise).
but I work FT and have a toddler and saving for adeposit etc. I can’t justify the expense and time indulging what feels to me like some eyeroll teenage thing.

there’s a psychological thing here about doing something for myself just because I want to and seeing myself not be good at something over and over again, until I improve.

I don't think your husband realizes what rheumatoid arthritis actually is. Assuming that's your diagnosis - it's not totally clear from your post. You need to explain this to him and point him to some resources. The Mayo Clinic website has some good information.

🤷🏻‍♀️ people value what they value. Others might have interests I would find totally ridiculous. It’s not a bad thing, people are just different.

I would judge this on how he reacted to you saying he'd upset you.
Did he say sorry and then listen to you, or did he get angry and defensive and blame you for having feelings? It's the repair that's most important

Why not buy a second hand bass and teach yourself with youtube videos? Playing/learning an instrument isn't a teenage thing. You're entitled to a hobby and some time to yourself. Also, studies suggest that playing an instrument improves memory and reduces the risk of Alzheimer's so it could be an investment!

I think you’re right there, OP, and maybe there’s a lesson for you to prioritise your own needs and wants more often. Best wishes, and I hope it turns out to be something treatable, and that, if your condition improves enough, you will buy a bass and start learning.

I didn’t realise guitar playing prevented arthritis. Is he always so insensitive / dim witted?!

@aridiculousargument I dont think @Duh meant laugh at the desire to play a musical instrument more the slightly dramatic /poor me statement ' I don't suppose I will ever play the bass now'

My DS (now 24) was given an electric guitar when he was a teen (he’s got 6 now 🙃)He’s taught himself and (I know I’m his mum and we all think our kids are amazing) he’s phenomenal. His GF has just bought him a ukulele, that’s his next challenge.

I think it was a slightly clumsy comment, in light of your diagnosis, but I also think you've overreacted.

Other people don't live inside your head. Most people, even your DP, are not going to imagine that, when you casually mention not being able to learn to play a musical instrument, that in your head this is linked to your memories of an abusive childhood. I can understand why it touched a nerve with you, but I don't think that's your DP's fault.

He was really taken aback at how upset I was, we calmly talked it through. I said I thought it was a clumsy, insensitive joke in the circumstances but didn’t at all think he meant to upset me. we agreed to disagree, and he apologised for unintentionally saying something that upset me.

so, the repair was fine. I was upset at the circumstances and didn’t need the clumsy joke. But I can see it. What I didn’t know is if I was overreacting, because my gauge for these things is… faulty. So thought I’d ask strangers on the internet. But it seems I have been totally AIBU-ed!

You had a bit of a shit childhood and upbringing. Congratulate yourself on creating a good life for yourself and a new family.

Buy the bass, teach yourself or get a few lessons. Re-parent yourself with love. Your DP sounds like a decent bloke.

Well done DS! I've played the piano since I was 16. Similar to OP, my parents wouldn't let me have lessons or a piano/keyboard, or indulge any of my interests really. When I left home I bought a keyboard and taught myself. I then paid for maybe 20 lessons when I was 20-21 to learn some theory and sight reading, but in hindsight I could have taught myself this too. I've known a lot of musicians because I used to play keyboards in bands. Most people I met were self-taught, some of them were extremely talented.

YABU not to go out and buy yourself a bass right now.