Was DP’s comment insensitive?

[aridiculousargument]

I spoke to my GP yesterday as I suspect I might have arthritis. My fingers can get stiff, swollen and painful, this has been going on for a while but it used to be one finger only, now it’s 6 across both hands.
I’m 37 and it’s more likely it would be rheumatic.
GP said to have X rays and blood tests.
I’m sort of upset and concerned, of course - as anyone would be at the possibility of having a chronic, painful and debilitating condition.

I love music and have wanted to play the bass since I was a teenager. My parents never supported it (they had the means), as they never did anything I was interested in. Long story short, they were emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive. Music brought me solace during a less than ideal upbringing. As an adult I didn’t pursue learning an instrument - I moved country at 19, have supported myself without help since then and didn’t have the confidence to do things for myself like indulging in learning an instrument . I’ve mentioned to my DP that not learning to play the bass is a big regret of mine.

yesterday evening, I was telling DP what the GP said about tests and arthritis etc and said “I’ve always wanted to play the bass and now I probably won’t ever be able to”.
DP replies “well maybe you should’ve played the bass, it might have prevented the arthritis!”.

I was shocked. It was a throwaway comment/clumsy joke, whatever, but I couldn’t believe how insensitive he was. I was really upset.

he was very surprised at my reaction. Totally didn’t see it was something insensitive, that it was just a throwaway comment.
he wasn’t nasty or disrespectful when he expressed this, but he was just really surprised that I had seen it that way. He apologised.

I know he didn’t mean to upset me, he’s a loving, caring and supportive partner at all times, really. But caring people can make clumsy, insensitive ‘jokes’ sometimes.

AIBU for finding his comment really insensitive? I have a history of overreacting to things so sometimes doubt myself.

I think you're over reacting.
But I experienced the same in my fingers and started using magnesium oil (called Better on Amazon) and i sprayed it directly on my fingers and the pain went away within 2 weeks.

My best friend would have said exactly the same. I'd have laughed.

You are 37, you're had plenty of time as an adult to learn!

I have RA and you don't necessarily have to give up your dreams. There is medication now that can really help though it can take a bit to find the right one. It can be painful, I won't lie about that but I do need to keep my fingers active as much as possible - not during a bad flare.

Buy a bass. You can get decent ones for a couple of hundred quid or less.
Start doing online tutorials. If you have a music college nearby the students often give lessons.
There's nothing you can do about your illness, but you can still fulfill your dream. Maybe your husband is bored of hearing you claim you want to do it but never following through. If he's supportive once you are actually doing it, that's the most important thing.

I mean yes you over-reacted - i would have said the same thing as well. Also, why have you waited this long to take up a new hobby tho? Sounds like you're just angry at your parents.

This! Buy a second hand one and either teach yourself from YouTube or from the Fender Play app which I'd really good. Learning a musical instrument need not cost much money at all and gives you endless amounts of happiness.

My teen is a whizz on the bass. When he started we bought him a €100 bass and he learnt from YouTube etc. If you want to learn then learn. There really is no need for physical lessons on 2024. I wouldn't take much heed of someone who proclaims their lifelong dream is something as simple as playing the bass but at almost 40 has never even bought a bass.

Let this be your wake up call, just go buy a bass and learn to play.

I mean, sure, anger at my parents is definitely not in question - Only a minuscule, not visible to the naked eye part of it is related to the bass, tho 😂

I’m long past letting it define or consume me tho. Most of the time I focus on the loving family I created with my DP, not the rubble I crawled out of re my family of origin. Sometimes it rears it’s ugly head but I then put it back where it belongs.

yes, DP can’t read my mind, and he is a decent person and more,@KreedKafer - he said pretty much what you said, and I can appreciate it.

I’ll take the advice from @HellonHeels, @TwelveAngryWhiskers and others and give myself the gift of doing something for myself I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

Nice work! Come back and show us a pic of the new bass - hope you love your new music career ❤️

I don't think you have overreacted at all in these particular circumstances. It's amazing what little thing will tip you over the edge when looking at this kind of diagnosis. As one who was given a similar diagnosis about 18 months ago there have been moments, caught off guard with something otherwise apparently not a big deal, that have left me sobbing with the reality of long term. Apart from being a factually wrong thing to say (and we all say stupid things without thinking) it sounds as though you both managed the aftermath well.

@Itsalwaysthelasttime absolutely that

I'm glad you talked it over with your dh, @aridiculousargument, and that you have sorted it out.

For what it's worth, I do think it was a bit of an insensitive comment, and your feelings are valid, even if AIBU disagrees. I'm sure you are right, and he didn't mean to hurt your feelings - and maybe your reaction was a bit OTT - but our feelings aren't always rational or proportionate - that doesn't make them invalid.

What matters is that you didn't blow it out of proportion, and that the two of you talked about it in an adult and rational way, and sorted it out.

I agree with this^
I think his comment was wrong because it’s not true.
I can’t tell if he is generally ignorant towards difficulties or he’s just happen to have wrong info about RA. It could be either.
The main uptake for him is that it’s a difficult time for you as it might change your life significantly and not for the better. You are genuinely upset and need his support so it’s not surprising that his comment has upset you.
You are young and RA is a serious issue.

Bit of both really. I personally wouldn't be making a joke, any kind of joke or flippant comment, that was in any way connected to someone's recent / likely medical diagnosis that they were upset about. It's not likely to go down well!

Saying that, there is obviously a backstory involving your childhood, regrets etc and it's a bit much to expect him to think about all this every time he makes a comment. If he has apologised, I'd have just instantly forgotten about it.

I'd also be wary about your reactions in future and try and sleep on things if you can before saying anything, and see if that puts it in perspective. Sometimes it takes a while for me to work out my reactions, if its a me thing or a them thing, and I wouldn't bring up something that was a me thing, as I wouldn't want them to feel like they were walking on eggshells around me

DS used Rocksmith to help him learn it’s brought his playing on loads. And I totally agree about the happiness. DS has ADHD and Tourette’s, he sometimes suffers with low moods. Music is definitely his happy place. It makes me happy to listening to him smash out metal songs! 😀