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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'd get more time

48 replies

coffeewithmilk · 25/04/2024 07:29

I'd love your opinions

I'm a mother to 2 young children (2 under 3)
I'm on maternity leave at the moment and my oldest is in creche part time hours.
Husband works full time

AIBU to think I would get some time to myself.. do other partners give the mother time alone.. like an hour to just go and sit alone in the evenings? Or an hour to go and just get a coffee alone?

My husband is technically 'alone' mon-fri 8-5 when he is working... can I class that as being alone? He gets to have lunch in peace and just sit in silence when he isn't working

I've never had 'alone' time unless it's my morning shower which is rushed

I'd love to hear your opinions.. are my expectations too high? Am I bad in wanting time to myself with 2 young children

OP posts:
SecondHandFurniture · 25/04/2024 07:32

Yes, at weekends. I sometimes go to the cinema. We also alternate bedtimes so the other gets an evening break. Weekends should be shared care.

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 25/04/2024 07:32

Have you asked your husband if he could take your children to the park for an hour on a Saturday morning?

vivainsomnia · 25/04/2024 07:32

I wouldn't consider working hours alone time from a quality perspective. Lunch time depends on the job and how much he can disconnect from the job.

It's important both of you get downtime. Normally, this would happen in the evening after the children are in bed, and at the weekend, when you can both agree on the times you can both have filly to yourself.

Crumpetsssss · 25/04/2024 07:33

Have you discussed this with him? What does he say?

SprainedBum · 25/04/2024 07:34

What would happen if you just said "can you sort the kids dinner, I'm just popping out for a bit?"

JustMarriedBecca · 25/04/2024 07:35

Your husband is working, he's not alone. The mental energy / physical output is there.

If your eldest is in nursery and your youngest is at home and younger than one then there will be times in a day you are alone. And can sit down. If you need that, you have to prioritise that for you.

I never had any sitting alone time when mine were young (and went back to a professional services environment in which I got no head space). I had my eldest at home when my youngest was on maternity (and who decided to stop napping when my youngest was born).

It does pass though and gets easier. Remember you don't need to be "on" all the time. Putting your youngest on the play mat and getting yourself a cup of tea whilst their sibling is at nursery will not hurt them. You're encouraging self reliance and giving them a sensory experience and all that.

Put the kettle on.

ladybirdsanchez · 25/04/2024 07:36

If this is important for your well-being OP then you need to tell your DH and ask him to take the DC so you can have some alone time. A lot of dads seem to take their kids to the park on a Saturday morning and give the mum a break. There is no norm though - you need to negotiate it between yourselves. But it's important IMO for the dad to build a one-on-one relationship with his DC and to be able to manage them on his own, because he may need to at short notice.

MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 25/04/2024 07:37

Going to work is not alone time. If/when you go back to work you'll change your mind on that. As a working mum am I supposed to feel my work is alone time FFS. .does your youngest nap? Use that then wisely. Talk to your partner, arrange time alone, for both of you.

Tiddlywinkly · 25/04/2024 07:39

Aren't there times during the day when your eldest is in childcare and your youngest is napping? Prioritise yourself during this time?

TheNapkinPot · 25/04/2024 07:40

Yes I got alone time because I had an understanding Dh. He would come home from work when I was on maternity leave with our eldest, he would take him off me, go and get changed whilst chatting to his son, come downstairs and make me a cup of tea. I then had 30 minutes of peace upstairs, he was downstairs with his son.

Every Saturday morning he had a lie in until a set time, I had the same on the Sunday. This continued when we had 2 children and I was a sahm. I even went away for weekends to see friends a couple of times a year and he had his own children and parented them for the time I was away. And no I didn't need to leave him a schedule because he knew his children.

Don't fall into weekends being "family time" whereby your Dh never experiences sole responsibility for the children. He needs to understand how draining it is figuring out how to go for a poo whilst being in charge of 2 children, you do it so should he.

lillypie31 · 25/04/2024 07:44

I wouldn’t class his lunch breaks as alone time- you’re still effectively in a work mindset. I think you should alternate lie ins at weekends or take an hour to yourself then.

TookTheBook · 25/04/2024 07:44

I don't think naptime counts as alone time as you still have sole responsibility so it's not time off! I'm with you OP. You need more time.

We used to split it that DH did most bathtimes and bedtimes. Sometimes I'd use that time just to sit quietly and read. When I was less tired I'd go out to the gym at that time.

Weekends too you unfortunately need a schedule of sorts - make sure you each get downtime as well as family time.

Therealmetherealme · 25/04/2024 07:46

I disagree that a child's nap time means alone time for a parent, why is that different to someone at work? You're still there, 'on-call' and are limited to what you can do. However, it's often all a parent will get. When my kids were young I talked to my husband and started splitting the weekend, perhaps Saturday morning he gets a lay in and you take the kids out, then Sunday it's your turn. Or you both get up and go somewhere as a family, taking the pressure of you. It depends what you need, I often just wanted to be alone in my own house rather than going out. For me, splitting the weekend led to a more shared approach with the kids.

Overthebow · 25/04/2024 07:47

I wouldn’t class working as his alone time, no. But you should both be getting some alone time at the weekend, can you take it in turns to have the kids and do something for yourselves?

TookTheBook · 25/04/2024 07:47

Tiddlywinkly · 25/04/2024 07:39

Aren't there times during the day when your eldest is in childcare and your youngest is napping? Prioritise yourself during this time?

This is ridiculous and makes me a bit confused/annoyed. How come we would pay a nanny or nursery during naptime, hmmm? Maybe because it's not actually time off?

Overthebow · 25/04/2024 07:48

I wouldn’t class nap time or lunch break at work alone time.

Whaleandsnail6 · 25/04/2024 07:50

I certainly dont class being at work as alone time. My job is 100 times harder than when I was off with my baby and toddler.

I do however think that when your husband is not working, time should be split between you. So both get a weekend lie in if he works Mon to Fri, and equal time to sit and chill/go out whilst the other watches the kids.

LittleMissSleepyUK · 25/04/2024 07:52

Him being at work definitely isn’t alone time. It’s not like he can sit with his feet up playing games on his phone.

Have you asked him if you can have a lie in one day at the weekend and he can have one on the other? You’re both working full time, just different jobs as such

BibbleandSqwauk · 25/04/2024 07:54

Unless you have a very busy, stressful or physical job then there are definitely more opportunities for "alone time" or "quiet time" or simply autonomy than parenting toddlers / babies. It really isn't too much to ask for the op to be able to hand them over for an hour in the early evening. And naptime really isn't downtime anymore than not being actively in a meeting or on a call is.

Overthebow · 25/04/2024 07:58

BibbleandSqwauk · 25/04/2024 07:54

Unless you have a very busy, stressful or physical job then there are definitely more opportunities for "alone time" or "quiet time" or simply autonomy than parenting toddlers / babies. It really isn't too much to ask for the op to be able to hand them over for an hour in the early evening. And naptime really isn't downtime anymore than not being actively in a meeting or on a call is.

Depends on your job or your child. I’m on maternity leave at the moment and my toddler is in nursery a few days a week. On those days I definitely get more down time then I did when I was working as baby naps twice a day for an hour or so, or just quietly lies in the pram whilst I have a walk or browse round the shops. My first however I didn’t get any of that, she was a lot fussier. I wouldn’t class looking after children or breaks in work as alone time really, when both parents are home the time should be split so both op and dp get some actual alone time.

BlueMum16 · 25/04/2024 07:58

Evenings and weekends should be shared care between you and DP. Get some really good routines now. So taking turns are bedtime, taking turns on who gets up at the weekend. Once kids are in bed make plans for your evening, quiet time together or taking turns to see friends/hobbies

Set these by boundaries now otherwise the kids will rely on you to do everything and your DH will think it's your 'job'

Allywill · 25/04/2024 08:00

As others have said your husband’s work time is not alone time in any meaningful way. we used to share weekend mornings so Saturday i got the DC up and went off to baby ballet and then my mums for an hour or so coming back after lunch. On Sunday morning he got them up and took them swimming then cafe for lunch. meant we both had one lie and some free time.

JudgeJ · 25/04/2024 08:00

lillypie31 · 25/04/2024 07:44

I wouldn’t class his lunch breaks as alone time- you’re still effectively in a work mindset. I think you should alternate lie ins at weekends or take an hour to yourself then.

When I was teaching full-time my 'alone time' was a quick trip to the loo, luxury was a warm coffee! Earlier, when I had two of a similar age to the OP's children, I did an OU degree to relieve the boredom, they would say Mummy is doing her homework, and they would entertain themselves. It's not necessary to be at their beck and call permanently as long as they're safe!
On a different theme, it's a pity we can't switch off auto correct, I have spent longer correcting auto corrects than typing the original, why does teaching default to screeching for example?

WoodBurningStov · 25/04/2024 08:00

My dc are teens now but when they were little, as soon as my dh was home, parenting became 50/50, we'd also both get a lie in on the weekends and share getting up with the dc, putting them to bed etc. the only thing we didn't share was night wakings during the week. I'd do these as dh was working.

Bearbookagainandagain · 25/04/2024 08:11

When on mat leave, I used to go for coffee on my own on the weekend to have a break. Or go for drinks/dinner with a friend after the kids went to bed.
I also started nursery for the baby earlier than with my eldest, just a couple of 1/2 days a week to go to the gym and get some time to do some work training I was interested in.

Staying in the house makes it very difficult I think, I can't hear them play/cry etc and not join them.