To think I'd get more time

[coffeewithmilk]

I'd love your opinions

I'm a mother to 2 young children (2 under 3)
I'm on maternity leave at the moment and my oldest is in creche part time hours.
Husband works full time

AIBU to think I would get some time to myself.. do other partners give the mother time alone.. like an hour to just go and sit alone in the evenings? Or an hour to go and just get a coffee alone?

My husband is technically 'alone' mon-fri 8-5 when he is working... can I class that as being alone? He gets to have lunch in peace and just sit in silence when he isn't working

I've never had 'alone' time unless it's my morning shower which is rushed

I'd love to hear your opinions.. are my expectations too high? Am I bad in wanting time to myself with 2 young children

Talk to him about it!

I do now I'm with my DP. I didn't with my exH. DP takes DS out for a bike ride some evenings, some weekend mornings they go round the charity shops, they'll go softplay, or just in the garden. He's very good at giving me a bit of time to myself with no expectations on that time being spent usefully.

His work hours don’t count as alone time!! I’d expect DH to have them on his own for a few hours every weekend though e.g. take them to the playground Saturday morning. During the week you have to work with what you have so that might be prioritising a quiet coffee whilst the eldest is at nursery and the youngest is napping over sorting the laundry. And presumably you have evenings once the kids are in bed? It gets easier though, my youngest is now 3 and now they play together and I’m needed a lot less!

I wouldnt expect an hour to go and sit alone in the evenings, unless he is getting the same in the evenings. Then where is your quality family time midweek? However you both should be giving each other a little break when you can, not counting his work hours. That's not a break.

You wont have 2 under three for long. It is a tiny portion of your life. But if you want time alone, ask for it. Your partner isn't getting down time at work, I promise you. So maybe you both need a weekend lie in or something, one day each.

As others have said, depends on his job and the child. My second born napped really well and eldest still napped when they were born so I would have the morning nap to myself after dropping older at nursery and lunchtime nap (I put them in a routine where they napped at the same time.)

Yes I did have things to do in the house too but made a point of taking at least 30 mins out from lunchtime nap to do nothing.

If I didn’t have this, I would have arranged with DH for at least an hour on weekends as it is vital for your mental health

Your husband is working, he's not alone. The mental energy / physical output is there.

Not really the same though is it?
Given that most mothers return to work, we all know that paid employment is generally much less stressful than being at home with young children. I went back to work specifically to give me a break from the DC. It was bliss. Also, how many working mothers get to do nothing but 'destress' weekends and evenings?

Depend on your work, surely? Personally I was more stressed when I was at work and juggling working and seeing my Dc, then I am now I’m on maternity leave even with 2 DC.

When my husband finishes work it’s split, or he’d take the lead some nights when I’d go for a walk or see friends etc and he enjoyed looking after our son as he didn’t get to do it all the time (due to working). Weekends we like to spend them all together but sometimes I’ll take DS to a play date with friends or he’ll take him to play cricket etc so the other one has time. It should be split when you’re both home really - you’re not “off” when you’re looking after two small children and you deserve a break too.

My comment about naptime being alone time was about it being the equivalent of your DH being on lunch break. It's a break of sorts when you are both having busy days.

Of course during evenings and weekends you should have equal alone time. Is your DH helping to facilitate this op?

Even just a coffee on your own helps☕️. Try to get an hour at the weekend to go to a coffee shop and just sit: read, have your drink in peace, go to the loo in peace! I didn’t drink coffee before having kids but I still love to take this time for myself now and kids are 17 and 18…in fact, that’s what I’m doing right now😂

Maybe for you it might be a walk that helps. I can’t see why your partner can’t give you an hour here and there - tell him you need it for your MH!

As PP say, you have to use your words.
DH and I both have an activity that we enjoy and take seriously and we ensure that both has the time to dedicate to it, and it is clear that when it's the other person's time, that is sacred and there is no 'can you just'.
You also have to get out the house if you expect this. Asking him to let you go and sit in the lounge alone when the rest of the family is in the house is a bit weird

I would expect the SAH parent to do all the childcare while the at-work parent is work, but for everything outside of working hours to be split 50-50. One lie-in each at the weekend.

Agree. A lot of men think it's "Man gets 5 days work, 2 days relaxing" and "Woman's at home all week anyway so facilitates man's weekend relaxation time".

I wouldn't expect much alone time having 2 small kids so close together, but I would expect some, yes.

It's something you need to work out with your partner.

On weekend morning I have a lie in. That's it, no other alone time.

I got loads of ' me' time.
I went on a night out when ds1 was 3 weeks old. Only stayed out a few hours because I was tired.
Dh loved looking after the lads. As they got older he would take them to work with him on Saturdays which they enjoyed.
I went to the gym every morning Monday to Friday on mat leave as there was a creche from birth.
Dh liked to go for a couple of pints on a Tuesday evening as it was quiz night at the pub across the road.
Down time from kids and time on yourself is important imo.

So dh was out the house 8-6. I was caring for ds and doing the housework He did nap in the day .

Evenings I made tea and did pots/cleaned up. Dh looked after ds and did bed time.
He then stayed up doing ds late night feed at 11pm. I went to bed at about 9 and got up for ds throughout the night (awful sleeper).

At weekends we got a lay in each. Usually until 10 ish unless we were going out. Weekends were shared parenting/house jobs. We didn't really get free time as such unless one of us had something planned. But I would often take ds out so dh could catch up on jobs and/or relax.

Work isn’t alone time OP, but then nor is the time if/when your baby naps! You are still ‘on’. Baby could wake at any time and it’s not like you can actually go out and do anything!

Even though your husband works 8-5 there should still be time in the evening for you to have some time to yourself. What time do your lo’s go to bed? Especially at this time of year. It’s light and still sunny till 9pm ish and that will get even later, so there is time for you to go to the gym, for a swim, out for a walk after bedtime. Even if the kids are awake surely he can take them for even half an hour to let you get a bath or a breath of fresh air or read for a bit? I actually don’t think working full time excuses a dad from helping out in the evening. What happens when you go back to work?

At the weekend you should be able to carve out some alone time definitely and if you can’t then the balance is wrong and your OH needs to do more.

You should both get "chill time" but his working hours shouldn't count towards his.

It's just a part of your life as it is at the moment.

I had 3 under 4 and ZERO help or time to myself.

I struggled alot with PND - looking back now I don't even know how I got through it.

I would establish a good bedtime routine - mine were in bed 6:30/7pm so I got a couple of hours in the evening.

I know it's easy to say but it won't last forever.

Maybe see if your husband can look after them at the weekend for a couple of hours?

Work time definitely isn't alone time. I think going down the route of comparing working vs looking after young children is never helpful as both can be harder/easier depending on a variety of factors.

What me and my husband found useful was to think my "job" during his working hours was looking after the baby and then all time outside of this was split equally (as far as was possible). So we both alternated bath times, shared lie ins at a weekend and if we're not doing joint things as a family at a weekend, will ensure that we each get time on our own at a weekend and also we both get free time in an evening to go out. Its no doubt hard when they are younger but if you have a supportive partner or husband, it makes all the difference.

I work full time now and I'd be pretty frazzled if I got no downtime outside of this and parenting and if it was thought my working hours were alone time. Equally I found staying at home just as hard and would have been equally frazzled with no downtime! For me it's about me and my husband tag teaming to ensure we both look after each other and our son!

YABU to ask Mumsnet rather than your partner. He’s not a mind reader. Yes, it would be lovely if he thought of it without prompting, but unless he’s an AH, I’d assume that he just thinks that you’re happy with the status quo.
Just tell him that you’d like to go out for an hour.