To think there must be a way to get a different life

[GreyandSloan]

I'll try to keep this brief. I'll probably fail. Apologies in advance.

I'm nearing 50 - a lone parent with 5 children. Two are now at uni, one doing A levels, one doing GCSEs. The fifth isn't actually my child but it the child of a family member who I have full time care of. He's a toddler. (I don't want to give too many details of this as it will be outing).

I have never really known what I wanted to do for a job. I did GCSEs, A levels and a generic degree. In a panic, not knowing what to with my life, I did an MA in an NHS career (think physiotherapy/occupational therapy/nursing/social work) and then went into this field of work.

I stayed in that field for about 15 years until I basically burned out. In the meantime I had met my ex partner who was abusive, had 4 children in quick succession (2 with SEN) and become a lone parent.

When I burned out and left practice, I went into lecturing - basically teaching other people to do the same profession. I've now been doing that for a decade and am completely bored by it, with no chance of promotion. I dread going to work everyday. I have basically stuck with it as I have no idea what else I can do.

The other issue is that I have spent 25 years on pretty low pay. I currently get around 37k a year. I don't own a house and get very little in benefits. I live in an expensive city and pay a fortune to privately rent a very basic house. Chances are my rent will go up this year and I can't afford it. I have no savings and no real pension. Both the future and the present scare me financially.

My dream when I was younger was to live somewhere warm and sunny and I'd still love to, especially as I have a long term health condition made worse by a cold damp climate. I just don't know how this could be possible at nearly 50 with no finances behind me.

At the very least I'd like to have a job that I enjoy and where I earn enough to maybe have a meal out occasionally, take the kids out for a day, or go on holiday.

Surely this isn't too much to want? Surely this shouldn't be all there is to life?

I sympathise as I’m in a similar bind/mindset but having 5 children (or 4 and taking on an extra) will always leave you compromised unless you’re a mega high earner. Just hang on until your children become independent - you may have more options to downsize, emigrate or change jobs then.

Are you saying you want to live abroad op? If so, then honestly with dependent children and not a lot of money, I don't think it will.be possible until the kids are all adults ..

Thank you. My own 4 children will all be over 18 in 3 years. For a lot of the last 20odd years I've felt like I'm drowning - barely able to survive. I've held onto the idea I can reassess when they are 18 as the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now I'm nearly here it still feels insurmountable. I don't feel I have the skills to get a better paying job . The cost of living is so high that my two youngest teenagers will probably need to stay at home, with some level of subsidy (even if its just providing a low cost room for them)from me for quite a while. And now I have an unexpected toddler (who I don't regret taking on and who brings me real joy).

I'd love to own my own home but am too old to get a standard mortgage and even with a promotion it would take me years to save a deposit.

I would love to live abroad but also don't think it's possible - my youngest teenager (15) would love to as well but still don't think it's likely.

If I can't live abroad I'd just like to spend my days doing a job that doesn't fill me with dread and which pays enough to be able to have a holiday every couple of years or an occasional takeaway. But I don't know how to get to that position either

Sorry, with five children and not a lot of money I don’t think it is realistic to have a completely different life. You can improve your life in small ways I would have thought or change your mindset so you are happier with your lot. (I do that as there is a lot I can’t do due to my commitments.)

Go and watch “It’s a Wonderful Life”. What you have done, and are still doing, in your career and with your family is amazing . I can’t tell you how to change things, but I encourage you to consider how loved and appreciated you are, to soften your feelings of missing out

You sound like a very kind person op for taking on another child when you have four of your own. So sorry I don't have any answers

Are you sure it's not possible to live abroad? Sounds like your skills might be in demand. Any foreign language skills? Would you be allowed to take the little one out of the country? As a last resort, you could at least get an NHS job in the cheapest possible part of the country while you're still of mortgageable age. Time is really of the essence though.

I look at job ads and think that there are all sorts of jobs I would like to try that are in a higher income bracket. But they all want experience that specific field (understandably) which I don't have, and I can't afford to take an entry level position.

I also see qualificathat really interest me (law or project management for example) but I can't afford to retrain.

I suggest a 5 year plan.
Do you have to stay in a certain area?
Do you fancy retraining? What would be a dream job for you, or something you think you'd enjoy more? Is it attainable?
How about just finding another job that pays about the same or more but lets you work from home more, then you could move to a cheaper area to potentially a nicer house. Or even consider getting on the property ladder.
I'd probably prioritise buying a house, you might be eligible for shared ownership. Once on the property leader, generally you pay less on mortgage payments than you do in rent, and hopefully the property will gain value as you live in it too.
You probably won't want to move whilst a levels and GCSEs are happening, but consider of a move after GCSEs and before a levels start so not too much disruption for your second youngest. Or put it off for two/three years until the current GCSE kiddo has finished a levels
Just take a look at all the different aspects of your life and figure out what to tweak and the right time to tweak it.
In a few years you'll only have the toddler left at home and in school you might find yourself in a much more comfortable position by then.
If you can move and aren't already down south, it is much warmer down there. I lived in Dorset for a couple of years, it was noticeable warmer and summers felt much longer than they did when I was living in Manchester. I noticed a very big difference.

I actually don't know anyone who loves their job. Most people I know at our age (same age as you) are basically sticking it out for the salary until the kids are more independent, their outgoings drop, and they can make some choices without having to consider dependents.

I think you might be a bit old to retrain too, especially as you're already highly qualified, but other posters may know better than I do. I think you need to solve one problem at a time and the housing one sounds like the most urgent one.

I don't know for certain. If there was a way yo make it happen, I'd love to do it. I've no language skills but would be happy to learn. I always wanted to live in Australia, New Zealand or the sunnier parts of the US. All would take my qualifications but I would need finances to get a visa.

Unfortunately moving within the UK isn't really an option right now. If I was going to uproot my youngest teenager before they've finished education it would need to be for where we all really want to be.

Yes I could take toddler with me both within UK and abroad. Youngest teenager would want to come with me abroad even if they were over 18 by then (and would struggle to be independent for a few years).

Two of your children are no longer children, and another one will shortly be an adult too.

You may find it tough to move abroad, but there are many areas in the south west that are affordable and have a fantastic climate much of the year - I live in a small Dorset seaside town and we genuinely have lovely weather when the rest of the country is freezing and wet.

id suggest waiting until post-gcse and then doing some serious research. We have a direct train line to London and other big cities, and if you can condense hours into a 4-day week and live in a sunny, cheap ish area with long weekends your life may feel transformed?
good luck.

You could start another thread (on a dedicated facebook group maybe?) about how to get a US visa. (Or an Aus/NZ one if you must, but I think their respective housing crises are worse than yours in the UK.) Mr Money Mustache just did a post about how to find an affordable area in the US to buy a house, and he links to a useful-looking online tool.
https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2024/02/03/how-to-afford-a-house/

And here's a link to a podcast episode about goal setting, which you might find interesting. I certainly did.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-magic-of-goal-setting/id1506404790?i=1000649380681

Never too old to retrain, and you probably have at least another 15-20 working years ahead of you. I'd would seriously consider it. I'd also consider other job with your existing employer as often they will consider fewer qualifications needed for an internal move. You'll be saving them recruitment fees and the unproductive downtime a new starter spends getting inducted and up to speed.
You are also not too old for a mortgage, talk to a mortgage broker or citizens advice. I really would advise you to investigate shared ownership and cheaper areas to live.
Consider studying part time so you can keep earning, or go for an apprenticeship and get paid while you learn.
Your other option to earn more is a side hustle or second job. Or rent out a room.
Look into pet sitting as holiday options. There are agencies you can register with. You basically go stay in someone's house and look after their pets while they are on holiday. You effective get a little holiday too in a different area of the UK and get paid for it.
I have a colleague who does house swaps for his family holidays every year. He went to Bruges over Easter, had a cracking time.

Thank you for all these ideas.

I would LOVE to retrain and have seen a few courses I'd love to do but can't afford the fees. An apprenticeship wouldn't pay enough for me to live I'm afraid.

My employer won't employ me in a different role both because they want me where I am and because I don't have the skills/qualifications to not take a pay cut.

I do some occasional bank-type work in my original profession for extra money but now with a toddler that's going to be more difficult (plus my expertise is in a rather niche field which doesn't come up as bank work that often). I think pet-sitting would be difficult with the kids and our own cat, plus my work but I'll loom into it.

I will definitely look into mortgages and housing options though - thank you for the ideas.

I can't rent out a room - we don't have one spare!

Maybe look at going into the public sector /civil service for higher pay, flexibility and the pension should make you secure in later years? I think there would be lots of jobs for someone with your qualifications and skill sets?

Thank you. These are good ideas. I guess I'm having trouble identifying my skills.

What about a teaching position in an English speaking overseas uni/college?

What's the field you're qualified in? The government have lots of upskilling courses for women and it sounds like you have a good profession, lots of jobs will accept the transferable skills from another profession with a top up. I'm currently doing a project management course through Glasgow uni that is 10 credits at level 11 (masters) and it's fully funded. There's a whole range of subjects available across the different unis and it's all online. Other areas of the uk may be similar. I think you just need to be more confident, source funded training in your area (there will be some, especially for lone female parents, contact your local employability team). Or look into freelancing in your own profession. I think with the right guidance it will surprise you how quickly you can move on up. Utilise what's available and free.

It is possible but unlikely. I've applied for a few of these jobs over the years and not got anywhere.

Because my profession is a registered profession my teaching is very much based on UK registration requirement. Countries tend to want lecturers in this subject with experience and registration in their own country.

Thank you though - I'll keep trying.

You say warm and sunny - some parts of the UK are much more warm and sunny than others.

If your role is tied to the UK then maybe worth looking at possible relocation once the child doing his GCSEs has finished in education?

I grew up in Lancashire and it rains all the bloody time. I now live on the east side of the country and honestly I am a little bit happy every day it doesn't rain.

Haven't managed to read everything thoroughly, but I noticed you said you didn't apply for a job because you didn't have relevant experience. You should apply anyway. The job advert will give a list of what the ideal candidate will have, but the ideal candidate may not exist, or may not want the job. Go ahead and apply. The worst that can happen is that you don't get. Response, but you've lost nothing. But you might just get a chance at something better.

What do your pensions look like? When can you start drawing them? It's likely you could draw your NHS pension at 55, which you could combine with a lower salary in an entry level job you want.

Where is it you imagine living? Would it be practical, do you speak the language and would there be jobs available for you? We're you imagining a never ending holiday or properly living abroad?

Obviously brexit has made moving to Europe to work much harder but not necessarily impossible.

Could you do the same job you are now but in a cheaper part of the UK.
Perhaps there are some nice areas where you could pay less rent if you are living in an expensive area now