To think there must be a way to get a different life

[GreyandSloan]

I'll try to keep this brief. I'll probably fail. Apologies in advance.

I'm nearing 50 - a lone parent with 5 children. Two are now at uni, one doing A levels, one doing GCSEs. The fifth isn't actually my child but it the child of a family member who I have full time care of. He's a toddler. (I don't want to give too many details of this as it will be outing).

I have never really known what I wanted to do for a job. I did GCSEs, A levels and a generic degree. In a panic, not knowing what to with my life, I did an MA in an NHS career (think physiotherapy/occupational therapy/nursing/social work) and then went into this field of work.

I stayed in that field for about 15 years until I basically burned out. In the meantime I had met my ex partner who was abusive, had 4 children in quick succession (2 with SEN) and become a lone parent.

When I burned out and left practice, I went into lecturing - basically teaching other people to do the same profession. I've now been doing that for a decade and am completely bored by it, with no chance of promotion. I dread going to work everyday. I have basically stuck with it as I have no idea what else I can do.

The other issue is that I have spent 25 years on pretty low pay. I currently get around 37k a year. I don't own a house and get very little in benefits. I live in an expensive city and pay a fortune to privately rent a very basic house. Chances are my rent will go up this year and I can't afford it. I have no savings and no real pension. Both the future and the present scare me financially.

My dream when I was younger was to live somewhere warm and sunny and I'd still love to, especially as I have a long term health condition made worse by a cold damp climate. I just don't know how this could be possible at nearly 50 with no finances behind me.

At the very least I'd like to have a job that I enjoy and where I earn enough to maybe have a meal out occasionally, take the kids out for a day, or go on holiday.

Surely this isn't too much to want? Surely this shouldn't be all there is to life?

Isn't Italy running a sceme where you can buy a house for €1? I think you have to agree to do it up within 3 years or something like that, so you might need some money for renovation. Could that be an option?

https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/europe/italy/italy-one-euro-homes-buy-house-b2470838.html

Is South Africa an option?

Wait until the GCSE student has finished their GCSEs and then move somewhere cheaper in the U.K. The older ones will need to make their own decisions.

How do you not have a pension? The NHS and higher education have 2 of the best pension schemes in the country. Way, way higher than the private sector. Unless you've opted out, your pension should be huge compared to most on your salary.

How about becoming an English teacher abroad? I've had friends do it and it can be a well-paid career plus you get to live abroad. Sounds like you have the right experience for this.

Yes!! That's a genuine scheme and I was also looking at this.

Have a look at teaching jobs in the Middle East.

I live in Oman (not a teacher but plenty of my friends are, including a couple of single mums). The weather can get very hot in the height of summer, but there is air con everywhere. Wages for most western expats are generally higher than back home and of course it is tax free.

You would need to consider the cost of schooling as it is all fee-paying private schools, but a lot of employers will either cover or contribute towards.

in addition to this, teachers generally get around 50-60 days annual leave and most employers will pay for at least one flight back home per year.

If you wanted to look at Saudi then the wages are absolutely fantastic, but as a country is a bit more restrictive than some of the other ME countries. Qatar and Bharain are also worth looking into as a teacher.

The health service in Australia are often looking for specific roles and offer people a visa to go do them. Could you go back to your previous clinical role and try something like that? The money is usually better than the UK and housing outside the big cities can be nicer and cheaper. My brother is a nurse and he recently took his family over there. The only problem is you're essentially saying goodbye to anyone you leave here. The cost of flights means he's likely to only see our parents a couple more times. So if you have teens who stay I think that would be a hard call.

The health service in Australia is crying out for medical professionals and they’re paying way over the odds. However I personally think it would be a really bad idea to move abroad. Your life is obviously centred on your children (as are most of our lives) and you wouldn’t be able to see them in the way you do now. For me that would be an immediate no. My friend has just moved to Australia and having been there six months is now realising that the day to day humdrum of life is just the same wherever you are. she has sunshine but no friends and family around her. It takes time to build up a friendship group and in the meantime she’s left behind her aging parents and her two eldest children. She’s been back already despite the cost of flights etc because the vision of a constant stream of friends and family travelling literally to the other side of the planet to visit hasn’t been the reality of the situation.

personally I’d look at improving your life here. Make a list of all the things you enjoy and set about increasing how much you do them. Things like gardening, sport, crafts etc can really enhance your life. And cherish the fact that you have a toddler to be with. I’d give anything to do that again and fully appreciate it this time around.

Don’t even think about retraining as a lawyer. Everyone is desperate to get out by 50. It’s not even vaguely family friendly and quite frankly you’re likely to earn less than you do now (im a 50 yo lawyer)

Project management should be doable with a certificate and then have someone professional rewrite your resume to tailor your experience to those roles.

Health Information Systems, health business analyst, might be a possibility with your subject matter expertise.

It would be difficult if OP and kids only have UK passports though. She would need someone (a workplace) to sponsor a visa and it’s very unlikely there is anyone in rural Italy that will need a non-Italian speaker (I assume) to join them.

Could you move to a different area to whether you can afford to buy.?

Try Malaysia

@PearTreeBoat What an interesting post, thank you! Do most of these countries have age limits which might make things difficult for the OP? I did some cursory research on this a few months ago and I seem to remember that the UAE (I think it was) has a very low retirement age and consequently won't give visas to people much older than 50. Apologies if I've got this wrong.

If you fancy Australia - I would have have a look at what the job shortages are and see if you could retrain?

If you fancy being a hairdresser... think they're crying out for them!

Either way - definitely have a think about what you really want and then get a plan together. You'll feel better working towards something. If you're determined- there's always a way.

All these suggestions are nice but I still don't see how it's possible....the ops DC are at uni and/or school and doing exams. I presume they all still live with her. Would she want to take them with her or would they stay in the UK? If they stayed we all know how hard it is to even afford to rent a small flat.

My first thought is that if you are an expensive city you need to move to somewhere cheaper so you can start building savings.

Healthcare professionals are in short supplies so you could easily look at doing your agency work somewhere else and do a remote job.

There are jobs you can get to work on helplines for charities. I used to work for a diabetes charity that ran an information helpline for people with the condition staffed by nurses, dieticians and podiatrists. Or find a teaching job in that new location.

You can then also train part-time in something else if you are spending less money on rent every month.

I moved to the Kent Coast from London 2 years ago and my physical health has improved so much! I used to have chronic pain every given day due to a long term health condition and the quieter, healthier lifestyle has made such a difference.

It is still commutable to London when needed in 1.30m. Many parents here have kids going to university in the capital.

Trapped , drudge of living .. I think the living abroad is a nice but fantasy - most things take sone money to get going and I wouldn't want to take a toddler to the Middle East

If the older children stay at home so you can't downsize , then they need to contribute to paying the bills which will remove the immediate money worries

The wonderful life suggestion is actually quite a good one

Do you get financial support for looking after the toddler ? Do you get practical support - is it 100% your care ? Young children are very limiting

Do you really hate the job or is that just a reflection of the whole life situation? could you do the same job elsewhere in the country ? Where in the uk do you like ?

Do you have much of a social life ? Is there something to be done there ? Sone one thing for you ? The teens could look after the toddler one night a week ?

Do you get any sort of financial support such as fostering allowance for the toddler and is it a permanent arrangement?

I would imagine that moving within the UK is very doable and probably your best bet at some better financial stability.

@Comedycook The kids at university don't need the OP on a day to day basis, and exams don't last forever. By the time she has planned her next steps and it's time to execute, the exams will be over.

I suspect there are at least 5 people who are very grateful for the life choices you have made. I do not think it is unreasonable to ask the older ones to contribute a little financially or to provide some babysitting so that you can have a life and some time away from your toddler. On the job front, probably best to make your peace with it and enjoy what you can. If you are building a public sector final salary pension out of it, it's worth it for that alone.

Yes but most uni students either still live at home or they at least come home in the holidays. Or when they finish uni, they live back at home for a while.

@Comedycook if they "live out" then they wouldn't be obliged to leave their accommodation during the holidays. If I'd lived out, I would have stayed in my university city, where job opportunities were better. But if they did leave, they could still come and stay with the OP wherever she was (although Australia might be prohibitive). I don't think that having kids at university is a good reason not to move abroad where the object of working abroad is to earn better money, which could then be used to help the kids at university.

But realistically, apart from the toddler, the rest are all ranging from GCSE stage to uni. They don't need the op for their day to day needs but they need a base. Even if they were all at uni, I just can't see how it would work if the op packed up and went to Australia with the little one. Yes they would technically be adults but they'd have no family home to go back to. I just think it's not practical. Sometimes unfortunately there just isn't a way to make something happen...at least not right now. I think the best thing to do is to focus on improving life here. Work on upping earning potential. Maybe buying a home and hopefully having some nice holidays.

@Comedycook I agree that it should be totally feasible for the OP to stay in.the UK. She has in-demand skills and is earning an OK salary. But I really don't think that having older kids is a reason not to emigrate, although obviously it needs to happen after GCSEs and A Levels are finished. That's OK because researching and planning the move will take months at least. Once somebody is established abroad they can usually bring family members over, and this may be a more enticing prospect for young adult DC than being stuck in a stagnating UK without the European opportunities our generation had. It's important not to see emigration in the OP's case as some kind of zero sum game with the mum pursuing selfish gratification at the DCs' expense: economic migration has always been a way of lifting up whole families, and I think that would hold true here.

That said, she should probably just move jobs and buy a terraced house Oop North or something. That's what I would have done if I'd been more employable!