A friend saying I was offensive

[MirrorCastle]

A few weeks ago I had a get together at my place, drinks where flowing and it was my friends and partners. A couple of weeks later one of my friends messaged me that she needed to address something with me and had a problem with my comment that night. Whilst some people were in the garden I realized it was getting on so I asked people to head inside or keep it down a little. I then went into the kitchen when said friends partner was and he asked where his wife was. I replied 'she's outside, can you not hear her?' in a jokey tone. He laughed and I thought nothing more of it until she tells me she was coming threw the door and took great offence at the comment. I apologized and told her there was no malice but told me I caused a huge row between her and her partner as he tried to tell her she was reading too much into the comment and she thought he was dismissing her feelings. WTF. AIBU to feel this is a bit silly?

A joke at the friend’s expense. I agree it was off the cuff and lighthearted but I can see why the friend didn’t like it.

You say light hearted but that's not how it was taken. It was taken as 'bitchy' which is why the friend is upset. You say try reading it again like some major point was missed. Maybe you need to try reading it yet again!

I would definitely think that was bitchy if I heard one woman say it about her female friend to the friend’s husband. Them having words about it afterwards isn’t really to do with you, but it wasn’t nice and I’d say you owe her an apology for saying it.

I would also think it was bitchy, and would be taking a very big step back from a supposed friend who would say “can’t you hear her” about me.

is it possible that this is something she feels really sensitive about (others perceiving her as loud, coarse or vulgar, and that her husband wishes she spoke at a lower volume sometimes). Could it be that you have caused way more hurt than you know, and didn’t pick up on the signs that this is actually a big deal for her, even though it’s lighthearted and off the cuff for you.

I dont think you’ve said either way but is her reaction out of character? Where do you think the friendship will go from here?

Bloody hell I'm glad my friends are not this upright. My friends would call me.a cheeky mare and then open another beer 😉

It was a bit bitchy I can see why your friend might be a bit peeved at you slating her to her bf. But you apologised she needs to let it go.

You haven’t done anything wrong- she has definitely overreacted!

Ok, but none of this would be the fault of the OP unless this had already been communicated to them though. Even if it’s communicated after the fact it shouldn’t be something the OP is made to feel retrospectively guilty about, just something to know for next time. But nothing about the post indicates this is the case, so I don’t think we can introduce speculation to help OP judge if it’s reasonable/unreasonable.

And the disagreement with the partner still wouldn’t be the responsibility of the OP either. That’s 100% between the friend and their partner.

You didn't cause the row between her and her partner. She's trying to scape goat you for her marital issues.

I would say 'I'm sorry it hurt you to overhear me talking about you, it was only meant in jest and not to upset you. However, how you and your DP discussed this is nothing to do with me so please do not make me feel scape goated for and issues beteeen the two of you.'

And don't invite her to parties again- she sounds annoying and not fun

You're not responsible for their argument.

@YeahComeOnThen everyone is entitled to post without being pulled up on their errors.

Or they could take the advice as to how to spell a word correctly 🤷‍♀️

How about

"Oh behave you fucking melt. It was obviously a joke and you getting your arse in a sling about it and then having a pissed up row with X because he thought you were over reacting is nothing to do with me. By the way, yes when you are drunk you're very loud, I hope this clears up any confusion."

Do you know how to spell sanktemonyuss rshowl?

Your friend is cray cray.

It could be bit taken as a bit of a catty remark, and I’d be a bit put out if I’d walked in on you making jokes at my expense to my partner.
your comment implies that she is loud and women being loud is generally seen quite negatively (because the patriarchy is fun).
if you genuinely didn’t mean anything passive aggressive by it then you need to explain that to her. But I can see why she feels put out.

Given people in the garden had already been asked to be quieter, and presumably hadn't dropped their voices (or at least she hadn't) friend is in no position to complain about your comment.

She's probably one of these loud people who seem unable to moderate the volume of their voice (urgh, I can't stand them), so she probably gets picked up on this on a regular basis and is embarrassed about it.

You did the right thing asking them to keep it down, by the way. Thank you for being considerate of your neighbours.

It sounds like a misunderstanding that escalated unexpectedly. You've apologised and clarified that there was no ill intent, which was the right thing to do. Sometimes jokes land differently than we intend. Given that you've addressed it directly and respectfully, it's reasonable to feel that the reaction was a bit over the top. It's tricky, but these things happen and it seems like you've handled it as best as you could!

This, exactly!

OP made the comment about her being loud.

At worst a small indiscretion from you, for which you've apologised. I wouldn't mention it to her, or engage with her about it, again.

Give it up, bitchy, really ? She was being a bit lot as men and women can be after a few drinks.
Friend made herself look stupid blaming OP for the later argument. A complete drama queen.

Miaow 😸