Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit sad about this comment from DP

37 replies

whatcomesnextisbeautiful · 24/04/2024 13:06

DP and I have a two year old daughter. We're both shift workers, I part time, he full time. Our daughter doesn't go to nursery and so we manage all of the childcare between us. We both have our own out of work commitments aside from parenting.

Today DP said to me that he didn't want to "babysitting" for the next two afternoons if I wasn't going to be using the time he has her productively.

I should say that he and our daughter have a good relationship and he isn't a bad father in any way. There has always been something about parenting I've believed he feels is a chore, and thus I've always felt the need to justify any time I ask him to look after her. I feel like today's comment solidifies my belief.

Do other people's partners/husbands feel the same way towards looking after their own children? Are my PMS hormones clouding my judgement?

OP posts:
Ihaveneedofwaternear · 24/04/2024 13:08

So you're only allowed free time if he's happy with how you're spending it? Is that what you mean?

What are you doing the two afternoons he is "babysitting" that he's not happy about? Has he not had equal time for himself?

It's a stupid way to describe looking after your own child, that would irritate me as well.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 24/04/2024 13:09

Ask him what extra children he is "babysitting" alongside being a father to his daughter?

Men honestly, he is being a parent, tell him to suck it up !!

Crunchymum · 24/04/2024 13:10

Urgh - men don't babysit their own children!

coxesorangepippin · 24/04/2024 13:10

if I wasn't going to be using the time he has her productively.

^

What does this mean

Talipesmum · 24/04/2024 13:11

Babysitting is not an ok term to use for parenting your own child.

In a situation where you’re both working shifts and managing all childcare between you, I can well imagine it’s very tightly run and there’s very little wiggle room or space for either of you to have any time to yourselves. So I can imagine getting resentful if it was imbalanced - one parent doing more childcare or more shifts than the other - or if one parent used the not-working not-childcare time to do lots of household jobs / cleaning etc, and the other used the not-working not-childcare time to do hobbies. Can’t tell what’s happening here from what you’ve said.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 24/04/2024 13:11

You don’t babysit you’re own children.

cheddercherry · 24/04/2024 13:12

Nah, my husband wouldn’t see spending time with our son as “babysitting” he’d actually be royally offended if someone described him as a babysitter. He’s a parent.

To be honest I had to reread when you say your husband only wants you to have time away from parenting if you’re being “productive” - what on earth does that mean? You aren’t just allowed a break? Or he has to have a reason to want to spend time with your child? That’s a horror story of a relationship/ family right there. Maybe say you’re out working to save for the therapy you’ll be buying your kid over the fact daddy needed to be forced to be around them?

Original poster
whatcomesnextisbeautiful · 24/04/2024 13:13

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 24/04/2024 13:08

So you're only allowed free time if he's happy with how you're spending it? Is that what you mean?

What are you doing the two afternoons he is "babysitting" that he's not happy about? Has he not had equal time for himself?

It's a stupid way to describe looking after your own child, that would irritate me as well.

For the last few years I've been retraining independently, in my own time and out of my own pocket. I've progressed massively but it hasn't always been linear progression, and on top of dealing with new motherhood, sleep deprivation and working part time, I haven't always made progress as quickly as I'd like or have taken two steps forwards and one step back sort of thing. I've always tried my best mind and everything I do is with a view to supporting my family.

He is fed up of me not progressing at the rate he and I had hoped, and so he's basically saying if I'm not going to make progress then he doesn't want to give me the time.

I literally never say no to anything he wants to do, be that stuff for his own welfare or so he can progress in other areas.

I guess it's more the interpretation that he wouldn't want to spend time with her if I didn't otherwise have anything to do. But like I say, it could be me reading too much into it 🤷

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 24/04/2024 13:13

Babysitting is not an ok term to use for parenting your own child.

Quite. Perfectly put.

MonsieurSpade · 24/04/2024 13:16

@whatcomesnextisbeautiful reminds me of ex bil who told dsis that as she only worked part time she was abusing him!
It was his demeaning attitude that affected her mh so much that she couldn't cope with full time work.
She left him not long after that remark.

Lampslights · 24/04/2024 13:18

No, we both enjoyed being with our child. Still do and she’s young adult, we never argued about it or saw it as a chore.

berksandbeyond · 24/04/2024 13:20

He sounds like a dickhead. Don’t have any more kids, he won’t get any better

meatyryvita · 24/04/2024 13:21

whatcomesnextisbeautiful · 24/04/2024 13:13

For the last few years I've been retraining independently, in my own time and out of my own pocket. I've progressed massively but it hasn't always been linear progression, and on top of dealing with new motherhood, sleep deprivation and working part time, I haven't always made progress as quickly as I'd like or have taken two steps forwards and one step back sort of thing. I've always tried my best mind and everything I do is with a view to supporting my family.

He is fed up of me not progressing at the rate he and I had hoped, and so he's basically saying if I'm not going to make progress then he doesn't want to give me the time.

I literally never say no to anything he wants to do, be that stuff for his own welfare or so he can progress in other areas.

I guess it's more the interpretation that he wouldn't want to spend time with her if I didn't otherwise have anything to do. But like I say, it could be me reading too much into it 🤷

Show quote history

OP he's not 'giving' you time; he's doing his fair share of childcare - it's not a favour, or something you should be made to feel grateful for, it's part of his job as a parent.

Beansandneedles · 24/04/2024 13:22

My DH and I used to fall into this trap regularly. There's just to much to be doing, that if one of us takes on solo parenting time at a point where the load would usually shared, we would expect the other to be at least doing something towards the mammoth to do list. However, this was a very unhealthy way to be, and 5 years in we both now realise that in addition to 'productive solo time' people also need time to do whatever the fudge they want without being answerable to anyone. However it took a lot of discussions and working stuff out for us to reach a status quo we were both happy with.

What did DP say when you brought this up with him?

5128gap · 24/04/2024 13:23

Tbh he probably does see it as a chore. Because however much you might love your child, being at the beck and call of, and providing entertainment for, a young child isn't everyone's idea of a fun way to spend the hours you're not in your full time job. It's hard work that I admit I didn't enjoy myself when my DC were that age. So, I'd not hold his feelings on the matter against him. Parenting has many stages, and not loving the toddler years doesn't mean you won't be great with school age or teens.

That said, a good parent accepts that love it or loathe it, you signed up for it, and that's not the fault of the child or their other parent. So you need to do your share of what has to be done with your game face on, and not whinge and impose restrictions on how the other parent spends their share of the free time.

gamerchick · 24/04/2024 13:23

He's a prick. He needs to be reminded of a few things.

This is his child. He isn't babysitting his own child, he's parenting. Tell him he calls it babysitting again you'll be reassessing the whole family set up.

He also needs to be told that he isn't the boss of you and if you parted ways you would be having a load more free time when he spends contact time with his child.

Cheeky fucker.

InBedBy10 · 24/04/2024 13:26

Basically he sees his child as YOUR responsibility. And he "babysits" his own child as a favour to you. SMH

OP you need to sit down and have a serious discussion.

ByUmberViewer · 24/04/2024 13:26

Yeah i'd find that hurtful too.

Your dd doesn't really need him. She's got you. Thats all she needs -especially when he doesn't really want to parent her anyway.

Cbljgdpk · 24/04/2024 13:35

Hmm I’m not sure if this the same or not but I have said to DH that if his side business isn’t going to make money then I’d appreciate him being at home more rather than leaving all the childcare to me to progress what is essentially a hobby at this stage. For us we don’t have much family time because of our work so the extra time is precious and I felt like I was either working or looking after DC on my own when I wanted family time. Not sure if that’s helpful from a different perspective.

CountingCrones · 24/04/2024 13:39

He isn’t babysitting, ffs, he’s parenting.

Like he is supposed to do, since he is her actual parent.

If he thinks raising his own child himself some of the time means you need to merit that time to his internal standard, he’s woefully misunderstood what this parenting lark is about.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 24/04/2024 13:40

He isn't a bad father in any way?! What?! He calls looking after his own child 'babysitting' - that does not make him a good father. Please don't have any more children with him, can you imagine all the baby-sitting he WONT be doing for the children?

Lassiata · 24/04/2024 13:44

It is not possible for a father to babysit his own child.

Lassiata · 24/04/2024 13:45

Stop telling him what progress you're making or not making. Tell him you need the time and that's that.

WhiteLeopard · 24/04/2024 13:46

He shouldn't refer to babysitting his own child.

But I think YABU to think that he should actively long to spend time with her. If he's working full time and you don't have any paid childcare you must both be knackered! It's natural for him to want a break.

Excited101 · 24/04/2024 13:47

I’m yet to hear any woman call looking after their own child/ren ‘babysitting’… funny, that…