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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex refusing to have DS overnight

34 replies

Pinacoladaqueen · 23/04/2024 18:59

ex has moved in with his brother following our separation. We have 3 kids he has agreed to have the oldest two overnight but not the youngest as there isn’t enough space.

Apologies if this sound selfish but I will never have a night off or a break until he gets a council property but that could take months/ years.

Am I just supposed to accept this for what it is?

I have made suggestions of setting the living room up for the oldest on a Saturday night (blow up bed) and youngest could sleep in his bed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
patchworkpal · 23/04/2024 19:11

Ask how long he proposes this arrangement goes on for as it's not fair on the youngest

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 19:12

Single men who are non resident parents usually take a very long time to house on the council. Depending on the area he might not get somewhere anytime soon or with enough room anyway.

does he have any other solution for this problem?

Beezknees · 23/04/2024 19:28

YANBU, unfortunately a lot of men are like this and there's not a huge amount you can do if he refuses.

My ex was not interested and I had to raise DS by myself, very little family support and I probably had 1 or 2 nights off a year when my mum babysat, she worked full time so I didn't like asking and she never offered.

It's not nice and it's not fair but it is what it is.

Notimeforaname · 23/04/2024 19:31

He could absolutely move them around and have thrle youngest. I'd say it's just that having them all will be too much like hard work for him so he just doesn't want to. How young is the youngest?..not that it actually matters.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/04/2024 19:31

How old are the kids

But yes he should have all 3

How does the youngest feel knowing dad doesn't want him

Age depending the kids can sleep /share the bed and one on the floor

And you have the sofa

OrangeSlices998 · 23/04/2024 19:32

Can he stay in your house and you go somewhere else, for one night a week?

AGlinnerOfHope · 23/04/2024 19:32

Tell him not to be ridiculous.

Desperatelyneedabreak · 23/04/2024 19:33

Is a single man even going to get a council house? My ex has never had our children overnight not once and it's been 7 YEARS no unfortunately you can't force this, he has a 3 bed house but decided he would rather rent out all the rooms than have his kids sleep over so I haven't had a night off in 7 years. No there is no way to force it.

TrovkyPickler · 23/04/2024 19:33

I mean to be fair here would his brother be OK with having 3 extra kids?

He needs to find somewhere he can have his kids over.

theclimb · 23/04/2024 19:36

How old are your children and are they girls/boys

To be honest my ex can't suitably house our 3 overnights so I won't send them. I personally am happy to have them every night and not have a night off as I don't think it's fair to put overcrowded sleeping conditions on the children or force them into having to share beds / sleep on floors etc

sparkellie · 23/04/2024 19:36

It's shit. But in all honesty there isn't anything you can do. You can't make him have them. If your parents are nearby would you be able to arrange for your youngest to stay at their's once every few months on a night the older ones are at your ex's, just to give you a breather? I feel for you, because my kids have stayed at their dad's one night in the last 7 years, and it is hard work. The only other time I've had a break is when they stayed at my in laws for a week. It does get easier as they get older.

ETA if he can only have 2 at a time alternate which kids stay, its not fair for one to feel left out.

Greywitch2 · 23/04/2024 19:37

I had an ex who tried this. I just made it clear 'You've got three kids. You take all or none of them. You don't get to pick and choose which kids you want - that's not fair on them.'

Desperatelyneedabreak · 23/04/2024 19:44

Greywitch2 · 23/04/2024 19:37

I had an ex who tried this. I just made it clear 'You've got three kids. You take all or none of them. You don't get to pick and choose which kids you want - that's not fair on them.'

Many will choose none.

StMarieforme · 23/04/2024 19:51

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 19:12

Single men who are non resident parents usually take a very long time to house on the council. Depending on the area he might not get somewhere anytime soon or with enough room anyway.

does he have any other solution for this problem?

Well where I live that'd be never! He needs to get sorted and have his children. Your donation is fine.

Greywitch2 · 23/04/2024 19:52

Desperatelyneedabreak · 23/04/2024 19:44

Many will choose none.

Show quote history

And that is better than being Child No 3 who 'Daddy doesn't want' when he wants the other two.

I wasn't damaging my children like that.

orangeleopard · 23/04/2024 19:52

If he’s not the primary parent, with the council he’s only going to be eligible for a studio/one bedroom anyway. So there will likely not be any more room than what he’s used to now.

My ex private rents and can only afford a one bedroom, but I have one kid and he thinks it’s fun going to his dads and sharing his dad’s bed which both me and his dad think is nice for him to do. I don’t understand why your children’s dad isn’t doing everything in his power to put something in place to have his children, not make up excuses. It shouldn’t be up to you to give suggestions - he should be jumping at the chance to do it himself. The fact that he’s singling out children is also unacceptable

ClawdeenWolf · 23/04/2024 19:56

OrangeSlices998 · 23/04/2024 19:32

Can he stay in your house and you go somewhere else, for one night a week?

I know this seems like a good resolution but in the case of my ex, he then made no attempt to find somewhere suitable to live and treated my place like his own. It caused no end of problems in the long run.

Haydenn · 23/04/2024 19:59

He needs to sort himself out. It’s a pig on his brother, it’s a pig on the kids, it’s a pig on you. What a shit of a man he is.

Singleandproud · 23/04/2024 20:04

He would make room if he had to or book a Premier Inn room one night a week if that was the only way he could see his children if he was a good dad. He isn't. Assume this is the way things are now and factor in rest breaks in whatever other ways you can as you can't make him have him.

OpusGiemuJavlo · 23/04/2024 20:12

Don't use the reason of "I'll never get a night off"

The most important thing is the wellbeing of the children.

It will be really bad for your youngest's emotional wellbeing to be treated differently- you'd get things like "why doesn't dad like me"/"why doesn't dad want to see me"

"No room: is nonsense - it's only one night at a time? A child's airbed can always be squeezed in somewhere.

Original poster
Pinacoladaqueen · 23/04/2024 20:24

He has put the children on his homeless housing claim so hopefully he should get somewhere soon but we could be talking months/years.

youngest is 2 and sleeps in my bed most nights so no reason why he can’t sleep with dad.

Im wondering whether I’m unreasonable suggesting a blow up bed for the eldest two once a week.

OP posts:
Elebag · 23/04/2024 20:26

I agree it's all of them or none. He needs to make the space work for all three children.
(I've not had a night off in 15yrs).

WarshipRocinante · 23/04/2024 20:26

Why is his only option a council house? You’ve had three kids so you both must have decent jobs to have afforded the decision to have three kids. Why can’t he rent privately?

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 20:30

Pinacoladaqueen · 23/04/2024 20:24

He has put the children on his homeless housing claim so hopefully he should get somewhere soon but we could be talking months/years.

youngest is 2 and sleeps in my bed most nights so no reason why he can’t sleep with dad.

Im wondering whether I’m unreasonable suggesting a blow up bed for the eldest two once a week.

Unless he is getting child benefit and listed as the registered home for them it won’t matter. The council will not be providing housing to him for 1 kid let alone three. They will expect him to make it work for visitation.

and they will check.

BruFord · 23/04/2024 20:33

Nothing wrong with a blow up bed for a night or two, OP, they’ll probably thinks it fun.