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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at DF for not wanting to help out at our sons 2nd birthday party next week?

34 replies

BexieID · 01/04/2008 14:14

We were getting a few bits in the supermarket and I asked him if he was going to help out (as last year he buggered off out, but I did have my parents here to help!). He said something like he'll be out. I think he doesn't like the idea of being around a bunch of women and their kids. Any other dads do this or is it just my DF?

OP posts:
nametaken · 01/04/2008 14:18

Don't ask him to "help out". Does he ask you to "help out" at yours sons birthday. He choose to have a child, it's now said childs birthday - child wants a party - just do it.

Whats a DF?

chamaeleon · 01/04/2008 14:19

guessing its fiance? if so just give him a list of jobs to do and instructions on when he should be in.

catzy · 01/04/2008 14:29

I think he should be helping out. Have to say as a mother I love my kids but having 10-15 of their friends screaming around the place is not my idea of fun and I would much prefer to go out.

MotherFunk · 01/04/2008 14:35

Message withdrawn

newgirl · 01/04/2008 14:36

fiance?

im not sure - did you agree to the party together or is it mainly your mum mates? i think the thing is here was he involved in the planning or would ehe have preferred a quiet day the three of you?

MaureenMLove · 01/04/2008 14:36

My dh has never been to any of dd's parties. I understand entirely why he wouldn't want to hang around with a bunch of screeching kids and chatty mothers! I have never pushed it and I never will. It'll cause far more arguements if I did, so I just don't factor him into the plans at all.

MaureenMLove · 01/04/2008 14:38

Oh, I ought to add, that I mean DD's schoolie mates parties, not family ones! He's 100% in charge of those!

Tommy · 01/04/2008 14:39

blimey - my DH does all the food for our children's parties and lays it all out on then table while I'm doing the games. Then he tidies it all up again (keeps him out of the way and he doesn't have to talk to anyone )

I wouldn't do a party without him but he wouldn't bugger off anyway.

Original poster
BexieID · 01/04/2008 15:02

Yes, dear fiance. They are my mum mates, in fact the only mates I have up here, except work ones. He has had plenty of time to say 'no' to a party. He avoids socialising with his work chums. In fact, his mum said yesterday he used to play on his own alot when he was growing up. Also, he never had a party or went to any when he was growing up.

I did kinda just arranged the party without his input. If I had waited the invites still wouldn't be sent out the week before! I will be asking his parents if they want to come. My family live in England, so won't be going.

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 01/04/2008 15:09

Message withdrawn

stealthsquiggle · 01/04/2008 15:10

I think if it is your friends then he is NB(entirely)U. Although it would be nice if he did participate, IME a sulky DP is worse than an absent one sometimes.

On the other hand, it does set a dangerous (IMO) precedent - once DS is at school it should will be all hands on deck.

Mo - I am filled with admiration for you coping with DD's parties alone. My DH does none of the organising for DC's parties, but come the day (or few days before) he gets given a list of jobs, and my DB to make sure they get done - and certainly does not get an opt-out!

Dropdeadfred · 01/04/2008 15:11

won't any of the childrens' dads be there?
I wouldn't call it helping out either..I would just state that he is needed and expected to be there

Original poster
BexieID · 02/04/2008 10:20

I suppose it should be 'not wanting to be there' rather than 'not wanting to help'. When he got back last year from being out, he shut himself in the bedroom and didn't even bother asking how the party went!

We need to address the whole socialising issue methinks. What happens when we marry and have a Wedding reception? I'm by no means a social diva either and can understand why he is like he is because I can be too. But I am the one who moved 425 miles away from everything I knew when Tom was 3 months old, so I kinda expect him to be there for a party once a year!

I shall broach the subject again tonight.

OP posts:
Ulysees · 02/04/2008 10:22

is he shy?

Original poster
BexieID · 02/04/2008 10:34

We both are a little. Both have worked in retail, and the job he does now involves talking to people on the phone and problem solving.

I think it's just the thought of being near other mums and their kids!

OP posts:
BetteNoir · 02/04/2008 10:38

Perhaps you didn't discuss the finer details with him, but I imagine your child is the same as every other, ie: their birthday is an annual event.

His child is going to be two.

He should be excited about it, and keen to help make the day as lovely for his son as possible.

He needs to suck it up and act like an adult.

And yes, the birthday party of a two year old is likely to involve other young children and their mothers.

I imagine your DF is a big brave man, and will possibly survive the event.

newgirl · 02/04/2008 15:39

it sounds like he is sulking about it - i guess because he doesnt know the others and he is not really involved inthe organising. You could plan a day out the three of you another day? or suggest that your mates invite the dads and other siblings along - if he would like that?

BetteNoir · 02/04/2008 18:37

It's not DF's day though, it is the birthday of their 2 year-old son.

Sometimes adults, particularly parents, have to put their needs and wants to one side, in order to do something for others.

So DF may be uncomfortable in the company of lots of other women and young children.

So what?

It's hardly going to be a three-day event is it?

I don't get much of a thrill from watching my sons do (seemingly) endless martial arts demonstrations with their (rather testosterone-fuelled) club, but I do it because I know my children like me to be there.

I don't see why BexieID should have to pander to a grown man in order to get him to be involved in the birthday celebrations of their child.

RubySlippers · 02/04/2008 18:41

invite the dads too!

we went to a 2nd birthday party with mums, dads and toddlers and it was lovely

bubblagirl · 02/04/2008 19:02

i dont think he is in the wrong as such as if i went ahead and arranged a party with all my friends and there kids why should he then have to help out when he had no mention in planning it

i always sit down with dp and discuss ds party and what we can do what he would like his always happy for me to arrange and we do have dads there too so dp can have chat away from nappies girly chat and baby chat

ask if he'd mind helping you set up then he can go out if he doeasnt feel comfortable i wouldnt expect my dp to feel comfortable around all my friends you could do something the following day with just the 3 of you

i wouldnt like it if dp arranged something invited all his friends then got cross with me for not helping when i didnt have input in first plase and wouldnt want to be stuck with all his friends as i would bound to be the odd one out regardless of what day it was

ask him if he knows anyone with children who he wants to invite its not fair to think bad of them if you ahvent allowed them any say so in the day my dp would feel very unwanted and would feel pushed out he'd probably leave as he would know i would be more engrossed in talking to my friends than him and who does he talk to who he has something in common with

Rosieglow · 02/04/2008 19:55

Bexie, your DF sounds like my DH. Wild horses wouldn't get him in a room of kids & mums, having to pretend to have fun. He just goes out - even though it really annoys me. And the idea of inviting other dads that he would have to chat to would be even worse.

But then he's almost as bad at family dos. He lasts about an hour then he has to go off to another room and read the paper. I think it's really rude but I can't see it changing.

Original poster
BexieID · 02/04/2008 20:28

I wish we had the room to invite the dads as well! He does have work mates with kids, but I think it's other kids that really puts him off the most. It will be interesting going to a soft play centre as a family!

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 02/04/2008 20:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster
BexieID · 02/04/2008 23:25

Yeah, it pissed my mum off so much him doing that, she and dad went home that night. They were supposed to be going the next day (they live over 400 miles away).

DF also had Toms actual b/day off work last yeat and we were all supposed to be going out for the day with my parents, popping in on his as well. He decided not to come at the last minute. He did apologise whilst we were waiting in line to get our food when we all went out for dinner that night.

OP posts:
BetteNoir · 02/04/2008 23:30

Bizarre.