Internet safety with 13 year old

[Trepidfox]

Posting for traffic, have posted in teens but no replies.

Essentially we have just discovered 13 year old has been viewing porn via reddit. Have now blocked that via our router but I've just spent 2 hours reading all the ways they can swerve filters etc...tumblr, Pinterest, twitter and typing special codes before searching in browsers to name but a few 🤯 she doesn't have any of these apps but can view in browser.

Is there any guidance anyone can give that might help as in how to open up this conversation? We set time limits, have safe search and a shield on the router that can block some content.

She's on as a child account (family link android) but I have read that once aged 13 is reached family link doesn't really work as they can bypass you and mess with the settings themselves.

We've had lots of talks, I understand curiosity but obviously porn is massively damaging and I'm actually so gutted to see it's being accessed/watched.

Will be having a talk this evening, we had previously trusted that devices would be charged on her desk at night (this was kept to until recently as we have discovered) Will now both be removed completely from the room.

I'm so annoyed I was so glib about how they can still access this shit, I literally want to throw her phone and iPad out the window.

Buy her an old fashioned Nokia 3410.

Move all family devices somewhere you can lurk in the background.

You’re the adult and no child is entitled to private screen use

It’s an experiment on our kids brains which is about to massively blow up. She will thank you later.

I'm terrified the damage it's already caused 😢

I agree. No unsupervised internet access. She has a brick phone, not a smart phone, and she uses the family computer in a family room in full view.

It's going to be total removal I agree

I've just posted this link on another thread.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/child-sex-abuse-extreme-imagery-b2532685.html

Google how to remove safari (and therefore internet access) from the iPhone and iPad. It can be done. Then she can still access her smartphone apps

@justabigdisco thank you for the info x

Is the iPhone and iPad set up right. You could get someone to look at it if you need to. It sounds like you were doing the right things.
I had my kids phones set up so I could see their search history. They also couldn't add non approved apps. It sounds like you were doing the right things though.

I used to make them very aware that if they watched porn it was likely (possible) that some of the people involved were being raped and that by watching porn they would be part of the whole problem.

@GridlockedKey this is exactly the route I am going to take, how awful that whole industry is

I thought I had done my best to be as safe as possible 😳 I'm taking time to really educate myself on this shit and talk to people who have more experience and advice

Unless I'm doing something wrong, they can still access videos through browsers within Apps. I let DCs (ages 12-15) have WhatsApp so they can be part of group chats for their team sports, school etc. I removed TikTok and safari from their devices but they can still watch TikTok videos from within WhatsApp (I.e the video opens within the app, it doesn't launch TikTok or open in safari). It's really hard to police.

@westcountrywoman honestly it looks almost impossible, I am just going to have to be way more dilligent and remove the option to look

I literally cannot stop thinking about this, I cannot believe I've been so stupid 😢

She's 13. Op she has a responsibility in this too.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. 💐

What did she say when you confronted her? I think conversation around porn and sex are as important as restrictions. Especially given the younger ages that teens have sex nowadays.

I would take this as an opportunity to have a really honest conversation about sex.

@Josette77 Thank you 💜 It just feels very raw and upsetting right now. Conversation will be happening this evening after school, have been looking at other threads to get advice. I'm panicking that her brain has been irrevocably damaged by this 😢

She is very open with discussing sex as a topic (since she was little) more open than I was initially prepared for which I took as a sign we had a healthy relationship 🤔I hope we will have an honest and open discussion but I'm proper struggling not to cry every time I think about it

It can be done, I’ve done it. If you just delete the app then they can still access the browser by clicking on a link eg in an email or another app. But you can block safari via the parental restrictions

I can imagine how upsetting and stressful this is for you and absolutely think you're doing all the right things. I just wanted to pop up to give some reassurance as I can see you're so worried about the damage this may have already done. I saw all sorts of stuff online at that age and I would say she will be absolutely fine. I agree if she has been watching hardcore porn daily/every few days for a prolonged period then yes I would be worried she would have a skewed version of sex and relationships and maybe become densitised too... but presumably you have caught this in the first few weeks/months and no doubt it's very 'mild' stuff she's watching initially (it's all horrible stuff but you know what I mean!)
I think she will be ok and just be so pleased that you're on it and have caught this now and that you have a good relationship to discuss it tonight.
In terms of the chat...I would be so embarrassed if I was her so please try to save her embarrassment by framing it that she's watching it out of curiosity etc. the thought of discussing all of this in terms of my 'sexual interests' with my parents would kill me haha

We have rules for our DD's phone-she's not allowed to use it in her bedroom and at 7 it goes on charge downstairs and she either watches TV or reads.

We are on iPhones. Our daughter (12) can't install apps without our digital permission.

I'm guessing your child installed the Reddit app in order to access 18+ content.

She has a web browser but can only access certain websites - Wikipedia, ones for school etc...

I've also logged her YouTube app into my google account, so I can see what videos she's watched in my watch history.

Our home Wi-Fi blocks inappropriate sites and her phone data account has her recorded as a child so 18+ sites are blocked.

So far this combination of protective factors has worked well for us.

Most teens know how to bypass the WiFi block with a few simple clicks.

@GladAllOver indeed it's not hard. I work in IT so have ensured the usual tricks (VPN, proxies, smart DNS, access via IP address etc etc) are impossible.

If she gets round it despite my hard work I'll be more impressed than annoyed 🤦‍♀️

@garceygrey12 thanks so much for your post ❤️ I'm literally in a daze and feeling so shellshocked. I absolutely agree, no shame as I feel this would be very distressing for her and not productive. I completely understand curiosity I'm just absolutely kicking myself for being naive about the work arounds possible to access this stuff.

Thanks again, its really helped

@0ddsocks no apps just browser

It's my error, I'm looking in to all the things @0ddsocks has outlined but also just a tighter control on access to the actual devices