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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Guilt of going on holiday without my children

40 replies

Kayos10 · 23/04/2024 03:26

It's 3am and I can't sleep so I'm aware I'm probably overthinking this but somebody please tell me if I should be feeling guilty about this .. or not.

This time last year my ex booked an amazing looking holiday to Italy for himself, our 3 children and his girlfriend fur the May half term. I work term time so to save myself skulking about the house for a week I too booked a nice beach holiday with a friend.

For various reasons my ex has since had to cancel his holiday and he has booked a shorter UK caravan break instead with a promise to take the children abroad later in the year (to a family villa with his dad's side of the family). My 2 youngest children happily accepted this at the time but my eldest (nearly 16) was pretty gutted, especially as she is not keen on that side of the family and really doesn't want to go away with them. I have been able to get my eldest booked onto my holiday with the understanding she won't go away later in the year with her dad but couldn't I afford to add all 3, plus I didn't think it was fair on the person I was going away with to change the whole dynamic of the holiday.

So the holiday is coming up in a few weeks and the penny has dropped for my middle child that mummy will be on a beach in turkey while he is in a caravan in Mersea. I feel awful. I'll want to facetime my children while I'm away but keep thinking I shouldn't let them see where I am as it won't be fair and the guilt is starting to eat me up.

Am I right to feel like this? Part of me thinks it's just the way things have gone and not to worry but I know the guilt will get to me while I'm away. Should I have insisted my children come too? (I don't know where I would have found the extra money) or should I have cancelled?

OP posts:

PicaK · 23/04/2024 03:32

I think you've changed the holiday dynamic for your friend anyway by bringing a teenager along as its no longer an adults holiday.
Sometimes we just don't get it right. Do not beat yourself up. Big up the time with dad.

HappyEater · 23/04/2024 04:21

Yeah, the dynamic has already changed. Seems a bit unfair that one child gets to go and not the others. Sort of like, who made the fuss gets the prize.

andyourpointiswhat · 23/04/2024 04:26

You have already changed the dynamics, I would be furious if someone brought their teenager on an adult holiday. Did your friend even have a choice? Your ex let them down, it is up to him to manage your three kids on what he can now offer them. Bringing your eldest is really unfair on the others, and your poor friend who thought she was going away with a mate who now has to accommodate your kid.

Bournetilly · 23/04/2024 04:26

You shouldn’t have taken any of them with you, it’s not fair to only take one.

How old are your other 2 DC? It’s too late now, just remind them they will go abroad later this year and I’m sure they will have a great time on the caravan holiday anyway.

I feel sorry for your friend because you’ve changed the whole dynamic of the holiday.

Caravaggiouch · 23/04/2024 04:55

I feel most sorry for your friend tbh!

noshadowatnoon · 23/04/2024 05:00

Your children will just have to accept that is how it goes. You didn't deliberately plan it this way, it just happened. Nothing wrong with a holiday in a caravan, and I expect they are only unhappy about it because they have been told a beach holiday abroad is "better". It isn't really. It is just more fashionable, A caravan holiday is probably better for children anyway.

I do agree you should not be taking your teen, but you are now, so nothing to do but make the best of it. I hope it is a bonding experience for you. I am sorry for your friend though.

If I were her, I would probably cancel

Monty27 · 23/04/2024 05:01

I'd be fuming

littlebirdieblu · 23/04/2024 05:02

Agree with others, you've totally changed the dynamic of the holiday already, and I would be feeling pretty gutted about it if I was your friend. You didn't cancel your ex's holiday, he did, so it's not up to you to fix things for the kids. It's odd that you only added your eldest to your holiday and will be showing massive favouritism in the eyes of your other 2 who are not getting the same treatment from you.

MaryShelley1818 · 23/04/2024 05:07

Oh goodness, your poor friend. What a nightmare for her, I'd be absolutely gutted.
Same for your kids really, I'd never just take one away. It's done now though.

MississippiAF · 23/04/2024 05:18

I don’t understand why you felt you had to make it up to your DD? She was still going away (twice!). Seems a bit over-indulged. If this is typical of her behaviour, your poor poor DFriend!!

Paninaro94 · 23/04/2024 05:27

What does your friend think of the change of plan? If I were her and could do so without financial penalty, I would drop out. This sounds rubbish for everyone.

Zanatdy · 23/04/2024 05:29

I wouldn’t have added the teen onto the holiday in the first place, as it’s a bit unfair on your friend. Though perhaps she genuinely doesn’t mind. I think you should have just gone anyway with your friend. It’s not like your DD wasn’t going on a holiday this year anyway. Now you’ve made the situation worse by prioritising one child to join your overseas holiday and two others go to a caravan. But kids like caravan holidays generally and I’d just remind them they are going later in the year and DD won’t be joining them, that’s why she is coming on your holiday. But yes you’re overthinking it - they will be fine and just FaceTime them from your hotel room if you want to do a video call.

lemonmeringueno3 · 23/04/2024 05:35

The only unfair thing is that you're taking one of them with you.

It's not your fault that your ex cancelled the holiday, and I'm sure your parenting skills are up to explaining to your children that you only booked the holiday because you thought they'd be abroad with their dad at the same time.

I've had a lot of great caravan holidays so hopefully they will still have fun, and have another holiday later in the year too. Lucky children!

What I don't really understand is why you added your oldest to your booking. I feel sorry for your friend, and I think that bit is unfair on your other children. I am not sure how you explain that or make it sound fair.

Noyesnoyes · 23/04/2024 05:38

So the children are getting a YK break now and an abroad holiday later in the year and they're unhappy about you having a week in Turkey?

You're making them entitled.

You should not have taken one, it's their father's time and if chooses the UK for their break, then that's it.

Are you wanting him to be a Disney dad and them to only want to spend time with him if it's "wow"?

If I was your friend I'd be mightily pissed off with a teen in tow.

Pippa12 · 23/04/2024 05:47

How old are they? My children used to say they wanted to go to Haven over Turkey! They’re older now (8,12) so definitely prefer being abroad but your younger two might prefer the caravan holiday.

Even if you cancel, the children will still be going on the caravan holiday with their Dad, meaning you’re just punishing yourself and your friend by staying home with no children to care for.

My mum would go abroad when I spent longer periods with my Dad, I literally never gave it a second thought till i read this thread!

Go, enjoy yourself and chalk it up to experience. I imagine when the children go away later in the year you won’t be going abroad? Remind them of that.

0verandoveragain · 23/04/2024 07:31

I wouldn't have added the 16 year old, she would have survived a caravan holiday.

Herefishiefishie · 23/04/2024 07:38

Yeh I think what you did is shitty.

Shitty to your friend to start but also shitty to take one of your kids abroad and leave the rest.

She should of went on the caravan holiday with her dad still and then could of opted out of the holiday later in the year if she wanted.

I don’t think taking one child abroad and leaving the rest of fair at all.

BlueMum16 · 23/04/2024 07:47

andyourpointiswhat · 23/04/2024 04:26

This.

SophiaElise · 23/04/2024 07:52

Spare a thought for your poor friend! If that was me I'd cancel.

WimpoleHat · 23/04/2024 07:55

I don’t think I’d have looked at it like that; that was the week that they were spending time with their dad. And that’s supposed to be the valuable thing, not the location.

I “get” the guilt thing to a point: they were off on a swishy break abroad in your holiday time, so you thought why not take advantage of the break while you won’t be needed for the week. But now you maybe feel that you might be needed a bit more, or that you might be having more fun than they are? Either way, though - the point is the same - it’s their week with their dad and it’s up to him to entertain and make the fun. And you’d made a - perfectly reasonable- commitment to a friend that week while they were having that time with their dad. No guilt necessary.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 23/04/2024 07:58

Gosh you’re a terrible friend!! The kid thing is not your fault and is not your problem but now you’ve ruined a lovely adults only holiday for your friend. THATS what you should feel bad about, your friend who is spending THEIR hard earned money who now has a teenager gatecrashing.

OP you have got this situation so so so wrong. Your kids have a lifetime to travel , it’s their dad who has let them down I can’t imagine why you are trying to fix it.

everyone a break is ruined now. Nightmare.

Haydenn · 23/04/2024 08:00

Paninaro94 · 23/04/2024 05:27

What does your friend think of the change of plan? If I were her and could do so without financial penalty, I would drop out. This sounds rubbish for everyone.

The friend is unlikely to feel like they can be honest about this. I think most people are right when they have identified it is pretty shit for the friend. But the friend is most likely in the position that when they have been asked if it’s ok that they can’t possibly say no.
Id be unlikely to agree to holiday with the OP again after she sprung bringing her kid along.

spriots · 23/04/2024 08:01

Oh no, your poor friend

I have a friend like that, "oh my DD is so mature, it makes no difference when she joins us for things". Of course it makes a difference! The teen isn't my friend and I wouldn't choose to go out with her.

paintingvenice · 23/04/2024 08:03

Title should read “guilt of ruining my friends holiday by bringing one of my kids along because that one won’t stay in a caravan”

FrenchandSaunders · 23/04/2024 08:03

How well does your friend know your eldest?
I wouldn’t be happy if a friend brought her teen with her. Esp 15/16 as that seems to peak arsehole age IME.

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