To think if we can't get help, who can?

[drspouse]

DS (12) has ADHD and can be aggressive. We are seeing positive changes but he can still flip on the drop of a hat and last week threw something at me that made my head bleed, DH took him out to cool off, I had called the police and they had arrived meantime and this triggers social services to call which is why we do it.
Had a really patronising, I felt, call from social services today. They keep saying we've "refused services", throwing names around (names of people we may have met but we've met about 20 new people and some have actually rung DH or seen him not me, and names of services that we may or may not have been told about).

We have recently been awarded respite which is supposed to be a certain number of hours but none of the agencies can find us any workers and the SW acted surprised (despite there being a national care recruitment crisis). I contacted a mentoring agency - they charge £75/HR and we get minimum wage to pay the worker...

Both DH and I thought we were told we'd be getting a disability social worker. Apparently we should know he has the wrong sort of disability so no social worker.

We are fully aware that we don't always handle him well and the incident last week has also left me with bruises but it was the result of me telling him off for ignoring my instructions and he then pushed me against the metal radiator so I fell over and then he threw cutlery at me. I completely lost my cool as I was covered in blood and I wish I didn't because it just makes DS more wound up and more aggressive.

We've asked for help around staying calm and our mental health (because we are on edge wondering which day he will throw a kitchen knife or push someone down the stairs, and because we don't know how not to react when we are bleeding or bruised). We also want someone to help us with how we handle him and what to do when he's dysregulated. We were explicitly asked "what do you think you need" only to be told "we don't provide that" and then apparently we'd "refused services".

We've been told about 20 times to "call your GP". We've both been through their CBT course twice, me three times, and we're both on medication.

We are at risk of being seriously hurt. We are afraid for our lives and safety. But nobody can do anything about it. What are we supposed to do - wait till one of us is dead? Until he's in prison? Until he's old enough for us to say he has to move out and then he'll just be on the streets and on drugs but we might still be alive?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice or wisdom to offer, but I can't imagine how traumatic it is to live under this kind threat.

This is awful! 😞

I have no advice but sending well wishes your way. I’m glad your DS has parents fighting his corner as well as you are, as awful as it must be 🙏

What support/medication/therapy has your son had? What’s his treatment?
Is there anything that has ever made a dent in his ADHD which you could go back to trying?

It's really shit but no the services aren't there to meet your needs. CAMHS don't have the capacity. Children's social care don't provide adult mental health support and the services that should exist don't. Children with disabilities services are too stretched to provide social workers to all but the children with the most significant disabilities. This is the result of years of under funding. I hope people who experience these issues vote accordingly. It's not the social worker's fault.

This is the very sad truth unfortunately. It shouldn't be, but it is.

I've seen this kind of thing happen several times, and it feels like SS, the NHS and the police only seem to finally give a shit once someone gets seriously injured, imprisoned, or killed.

Social services do 'give a shit'. But they can't help everyone. The OP doesn't need a social worker anyway she needs funding and support.

I am so sorry to hear you are still going through this. Its incredibly difficult to get support.

I also know from your previous posting that the yvonne newbold style really wasnt right for you guys so i wont suggest that!

I just send good wishes.

I have a child with adhd.

If telling your child off causes him to be aggressive to the point you need to call the police, at the risk of stating the bleeding obvious stop telling him off.

Stop thinking of him as a normal child who will do what he is told (he won't) and start thinking from a new viewpoint which is how to we make sure no-one gets hurt.

In schools if there are violent incidents a common way of analysing them is using the ABC framework.

So for example, it might go like this.

A - antecedents - what happened before the incident. Write down in detail who said what, who was where, what happened. You are looking for triggers for violence.

B - behaviour - what actually happened. Write as factually as possible without emotions and describing only what people did or said. Don't try to guess what was going on in anyone's head.

C - consequences. So this is not what (if any) punishment you impose but what happened as a result of the violence.

The aim of this framework is to try to establish whether the violence is being used to get particular things to happen (consequences) or in response to particular triggers (antecedents).

The aim then is to reduce violence. So if you know telling him off triggers him, don't tell him off. Or if you know he will use violence )eg) to avoid going to grandma's don't even try to take him to grandma's.

What is it that they say you have refused?

Is he on medication for his ADHD?

To be fair they have probably suggested the only things they have access to/can think of which the OP doesn't think will help or has already tried. If the OP keeps asking for something they can't provide then she will get the kind of answer she's got. It's crap but social services can't really help with this kind of situation. It's not a safeguarding or parenting issue. It's an issue that CAMHS should be supporting with but when suicidal kids get one phone call a week if they are lucky that's not an option.

They didn't actually tell us what we'd refused, just "services" from this agency who didn't tell us what they were called or what they did (if they had written it down I'd have remembered but they just came to a meeting with 10 people there, introduced themselves once and asked what we thought we needed, and we told them). I have no idea if they were the same people who insisted a group at 2 pm on a school day was definitely for his age group because they'd read it on a piece of paper and didn't believe me when I said I'd rung up and it was for preschool age. But I think they were.

What is currently working is a very structured system of earning what he wants by being responsible and expanding his horizons slowly (at his level, putting his washing on, reading to us, getting himself ready for school, ignoring "I don't want to I'm not going" when we suggest a weekend activity he's enjoyed before and will enjoy when we get there). We're currently subscribing to ADHD Dude and this is his approach. He is on medication which does help. CAMHS won't see him because it's "behaviour"

But it's not a magic bullet and he still struggles and this makes the rest of us on edge and makes us react and that makes him worse.

And it doesn't work all the time and when he's taking his sister's dinner because he fancies it or scooping a 400g jar of mayonnaise onto one plate or eating what's for tea out of the fridge at 4 pm I can't just go "whatever, carry on" and half the time he's actually hurt someone, because he pulls DD hair when he grabs her plate or he hits me when I pick up "his" mayonnaise. So if anyone has a realistic way of NOT reacting when you are already hurt, you're doing better than social services who "don't do that".

And we are luckier than most because we don't have ADHD ourselves (DS is adopted and one, at least, birth parent has it) so we are "only" stressed because of him and the rest of everyday life not because the world isn't set up for the neurodiverse. And he goes to school every day (his school has about 60% attendance) and isn't in care and doesn't vape or run away from home and hasn't yet been recruited into handling drugs. So I suppose we should count our blessings.

Honestly, we could pay for support if we could find it. But we can't! I do see a counsellor but I'm so overwhelmed I just vent and don't actually get any strategies and she just says "why is there no help for you?" too.

Have you had an adoption needs assessment? Do you have access to the funding you're entitled to from the adoption support fund?

@PineappleTime they didn't actually suggest anything.
A previous SW suggested a therapeutic parenting course but apart from really not being that excited by the approach (not because it's "not us" but because we couldn't find any evidence it actually works), it turned out it was only for foster carers, both adults had to attend and they couldn't provide babysitting nor could we take the DCs with us. So they withdrew the offer.

We were offered Theraplay just after lockdown but we were told we'd have to spend half a day a week for 6 months, over Zoom (in other words DS would have swanned off to his room for every session), we were both working but the kicker was that we couldn't stop after a few weeks if it wasn't working, we had to do the full 6 months. So we did refuse that (but that was years ago).

Trying to answer everyone but DS is (quite calmly actually) worried about a spider so I'm up and down with that!

I dont know if you are religious but i find myself saying the rosary silently in my head so i dont react to the more extreme behaviours. Im sure there are equivilents for other religions or chants/poetry for atheists.
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Honestly your average social worker won't have a clue how to advise parents of adopted children. It's not an issue of parenting, as adopters are almost Uber parents having gone through so much assessment. Adopters are usually very good at advocating for their kids as well as being solvent, educated and articulate. You'll probably know more about how to parent your kid than the average social worker. Social workers have a lot of skills and expertise but in the area of neglect and abuse, not therapeutic parenting skills for adopters. They will be stabbing in the dark to an extent. Unless you're talking to an adoption social worker.
have you had access to the adoption support fund?

@Octavia64 sorry I didn't answer fully. We do use ABCs and he has the classic ADHD picture of seeking excitement and attention especially if he gets to cause chaos and mayhem. Occasionally it's in relation to anxiety or sensory things (eg throwing a riding hat if it's too tight οr if he's afraid it might be too tight).
But when he's already hurt someone it's then we are not always capable of being completely calm and implacable. And it's especially hard when I'm actively afraid.

@PineappleTime we have, they told us we had to do the Theraplay or we couldn't have any more support.
DS was removed at birth and with us shortly after and yes we do know way more than the social workers - who keep saying it's all attachment - honestly it isn't - and the suggestions they make are all just so lacking in evidence.
I looked in detail a while back (I have a science PhD) at all the therapies the ASF funds and honestly someone needs to do a Hilary Cass on them. They are mainly woo. Some of them work with compliant anxious neurotypical children.

I'm not Catholic but honestly this isn't a bad idea. I've been using Anglican prayers at night but they aren't quite right as they are a bit "be with us now and at the hour of our death" which is a bit close to home sometimes.

I suggest the quote about fear from dune.

Might sound odd but I have found it helpful

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

It sounds like you have looked into what works for him in detail and you mostly know what you are doing.

Things that might help you deal with violence:

Sounds stupid but take up a martial arts class. They will teach you control and options.

Consider doing positive handling training - this is the training used in schools for children who are violent

www.positivehandling.co.uk

The SS team may be able to help you access this - it's mostly aimed at schools.

De-escalation strategies are worth looking into as well.

This sounds so stressful for everyone in the family and shocking no actual help that helps you all. Have you contacted your local mp to see if you can get any help and to push for help for you. Wishing you well and will keep you in my thoughts as you all deserve a break and peace and calm.

Awful that you can’t get support on this - it sounds horrendously challenging.

I would recommend ‘the explosive child’ by Ross Greene, essentially it is a technique to analyse and solve problems outside of the crisis moments, while also giving some support and advice for managing crises when they happen. I can see you need a lot more support than just a book recommendation and I am so sorry you aren’t getting it. I do think this is worth a look though.

Could I suggest reading 'The body keeps the score'. Lots of fantastic insights into why these types of behaviours manifest and many different approaches which have been studied and proven successful of how to combat them.

@Octavia64 do you have any ideas of training etc for de-escalation? We were told we can't do the positive handling due to not being employed in this area.