To think if we can't get help, who can?

[drspouse]

DS (12) has ADHD and can be aggressive. We are seeing positive changes but he can still flip on the drop of a hat and last week threw something at me that made my head bleed, DH took him out to cool off, I had called the police and they had arrived meantime and this triggers social services to call which is why we do it.
Had a really patronising, I felt, call from social services today. They keep saying we've "refused services", throwing names around (names of people we may have met but we've met about 20 new people and some have actually rung DH or seen him not me, and names of services that we may or may not have been told about).

We have recently been awarded respite which is supposed to be a certain number of hours but none of the agencies can find us any workers and the SW acted surprised (despite there being a national care recruitment crisis). I contacted a mentoring agency - they charge £75/HR and we get minimum wage to pay the worker...

Both DH and I thought we were told we'd be getting a disability social worker. Apparently we should know he has the wrong sort of disability so no social worker.

We are fully aware that we don't always handle him well and the incident last week has also left me with bruises but it was the result of me telling him off for ignoring my instructions and he then pushed me against the metal radiator so I fell over and then he threw cutlery at me. I completely lost my cool as I was covered in blood and I wish I didn't because it just makes DS more wound up and more aggressive.

We've asked for help around staying calm and our mental health (because we are on edge wondering which day he will throw a kitchen knife or push someone down the stairs, and because we don't know how not to react when we are bleeding or bruised). We also want someone to help us with how we handle him and what to do when he's dysregulated. We were explicitly asked "what do you think you need" only to be told "we don't provide that" and then apparently we'd "refused services".

We've been told about 20 times to "call your GP". We've both been through their CBT course twice, me three times, and we're both on medication.

We are at risk of being seriously hurt. We are afraid for our lives and safety. But nobody can do anything about it. What are we supposed to do - wait till one of us is dead? Until he's in prison? Until he's old enough for us to say he has to move out and then he'll just be on the streets and on drugs but we might still be alive?

Hi op. Fellow adhd mum here. Does he have a pead and have they reviewed his medication regime? We had quite a bit of success combing non stimulant medication and stimulant medication in terms of anger. My other though would be that has he been looked at for other conditions such as asd or pda?

I found the incredible years programme very useful as a parent. I think it's designed for kids up to 8 but I found it helpful with my older kids as adhd tend to be about 5 years emotionally behind. There's a book it audio book avaliable.

We had great support from barnardos who might be worth contacting.

We set up our home using many techniques for asd. Visual reminders, chill out areas with fidgets and stuff - useful for dc to take a time out.

You used the police to get to Social Services?

🙄

When my child was being violent due to unmet needs (autism/ anxiety rather than adhd) I was told to call the police by mental health services and that this would escalate things.

The police were actually really helpful in the sense that they understood the issue was not that of a criminal child but a child with extreme mental health issues.

The fact that other agencies were involved sped the process of being seen by the CAMHS clinical psychologist. For my son his difficulties were demand/ school driven. We had to de-escalate to enable his mental health to improve before we could put strategies in.

I have a friend with an adopted child who has difficulties, she has had help from Adoption charities.

Edited to add if you are being refused services due to turning some down can you ask for a subject access request (SAR) to find out more details of what this refers to so you can unpick it.

This is advised sometimes by professionals.

Unless the OP was intending to make a complaint of assault, provide a statement and attend court as a witness, then she had no business calling the police.

She took officers away from answering serious calls, where the police are actually needed. Utterly disgraceful.

See if your council has a family support work/ family intervention team. These are separate from social services. They can allocate a worker to support families and offer advice on parenting strategies and techniques. Charities also offer this service.

Charities can also offer a variety of useful services. Try Banardoes as your first port of call.

Unfortunately SS still tend to be really focused on the narrow parameters of what they provide, rather than being able to meet what you need or be able to pint you in the direction of what you need.

Did you miss where OP was assaulted and hurt?

This mum is being injured and is trying to keep her other child safe. Ffs be realistic!

In your opinion. We were literally advised to do this by CAMHs to get the support we needed.

Do you think she should wait for someone to get seriously hurt?

It is shitty that the police have to deal with these issues but they are used to it because of the lack of mental health services.

You are blaming the wrong person here. That is despicable.

I agree with the idea of keeping a journal.

Letting a child do whatever they want because you're loving in fear of a violent reaction is terrible advice and will almost certainly lead to escalating violence at home, school and in the community.

The police have a CAMHS liaison officer, have told us to call again, and social services have told us to call the police. Wind your neck in.

Letting a child do whatever they want because you're loving in fear of a violent reaction is terrible advice and will almost certainly lead to escalating violence at home, school and in the community.

No it isn't.

Deescalating to keep everyone safe is advised.

This just shows you've never had to live with a child whose mental health is so poor that they and you are at risk of physical harm.

Once the child is de-escalated you can work with them to set boundaries going forward.

Contact 'Capa First Response'. Your family needs specialist advocacy & services.

@binaryfinery Unfortunately SS still tend to be really focused on the narrow parameters of what they provide because that's all they are resourced to provide.

Services in your locality don't sound great....
I'd try and find somewhere nearby that offers non violent resistance training. Youth offending teams often teach parents this approach but there may also be private/other providers. If nothing else you could read up on the approach? https://thechildpsychologyservice.co.uk/therapy-information/non-violent-resistance-nvr/
I'd also look to find a clinical or counselling psychologist trained in the Dan Hughes approach of Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP). If possible go with the psychologist over another professional as they should have more training/insight into the ADHD aspects of the difficulties you are all experiencing....

This is CAMHS passing the buck because they can't meet the family's needs. Not to say the OP shouldn't have called the police - it was appropriate given she had been hurt. But using police to escalate because appropriate services can't meet the child's needs is outrageous and CAMHS should not Be suggesting that.

Totally.

CAMHS should be better funded so that this is unnecessary.

A child will quickly learn the rules of the game and will escalate violence for their every little whim.

The OP has other children in the home. How can she ask those children to tolerate having their food taken from their plates with zero reaction to avoid violence? What lesson is that teaching?

He assaulted someone and injured them. Honestly I'd love to see people who make comments like these spend a day caring for a child like this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. There are so many of us not getting the support if it even really exists out there.

For us educating ourselves has been invaluable. I really like gabor mates views I'd really recommend all his books and podcasts.

For us we do the work when he is regulated not when he is exploding. So talking about feelings. Learning feelings. Learning to discuss all fewlings as they happen.Talking about how we can regulate our bodies and we let him pick the things he wants to try. The ideal aim would be deep breaths and maybe some yoga. But he won't pick that when he is melting down. So we do bridge behaviours. Things like ripping up paper roaring like a lion. Shouting. Angry drawing. They are preferred behaviours that get the anger or whatever emotion felt at the time out. Rather than violence.
I think I've missed how old your child is but would these be appropriate. My eldest will listen to angry music that helps him.

We are really seeing improvement. Mine sits just on the edge of what any service would determine any intervention or medication needed. We have to advocate for him because we only see this behaviour at home no where else.

We manage stress as much as we can as a family. Keeping open communication about everything so no one is sudfering anxiety on thwir own.Keeping a good routine. Not overloading and schedules. Sleep is vital. Everyone gets therapy if they need it. We all journal our feelings we all learn our own triggers and how we need go regulate ourselves.

Mine is 6 but I will be honest with him that his behaviour has consequences and we are working as a family to help him and all of us. None of us are perfect but we are all in it together. It's all just trial and error for what really clicks for him. I've found when I'm honest with my feelings without blaming him or shaming him letting him know I love him no matter what. He will connect with me and share with me what he is finding hard etc. I'd highly reccomend all the family having therapy for any trauma you've had in your life and working out the behaviours you've adapted along the way to survive. Looking at your attachment.

It's such a shame the NHS cahms and all the services are just drowning this should be supported and understood but I think unfortunately its something we are left to figure out for ourselves.

I've been there and you are wrong.

OP I would post this on the SEN boards instead as you are going to get all sorts of incorrect advice from people who think that 'common sense' applies.

Escalating the child will put you all at risk of harm.

Make all of you safe THEN establish boundaries.

With regards to the food issue can you feed the children separately in the meantime?

@ThisOldThang

I have worked in education for over twenty years.

The approaches that I have suggested on this thread are those used by professionals who work with violent children.

It is not terrible advice.

It is advice that is backed be research and it is advice that is based on the approaches used by professionals in this field.

The positive handling course I recommended is the course done by teachers, support staff and anyone in education or support services working with children who are or who have the potential to be violent.

The ABC approach is used by educational psychologists. Here is a brief description of it complete with references to the research.

www.psychologytools.com/resource/abc-model/