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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I said no to this get together

33 replies

Jellyrose20 · 22/04/2024 18:03

My husband has x3 adult cousins who all have children and who live in various countries across the world.
For the first time in 5 years they are all coming back to the UK for a week and my husband's auntie has suggested a get together would be nice one day on the weekend.

My husband has asked if everyone can come over for a bbq and said I wouldn't have to do anything.
I have a very lively 5 year old and I will be 39+2 days pregnant on the suggested date (assuming I make it to due date). There would be 12 adults and 6 children - so 18 in total.
He has promised I won't have to do anything but realistically given it is in my home I suspect I will be asked innocently for things and it doesn't stop the fact that this will mean even with the best efforts in the world from my husband he will be too busy to help parent my daughter meaning I will be taking the lead.
They aren't family members we see often so my daughter doesn't know anyone well to go to them.

I can just remember how I felt when I was that pregnant before and I can't imagine having 18 people in my house and feeling like I have to socialise and play some level of hostess when that pregnant.

I currently have moderate PGP, iron deficient anaemia and reflux so I'm overall having a worse pregnancy than with my first.

His family live 2.5 hours away so he can't (and doesn't want to) go to them in case baby comes early.
I want to say no but I feel so guilty because of what a rare opportunity this is for him to see all his cousins at the same time.

So....is it unreasonable to say no? Is there a middle ground I'm not seeing?
My husband isn't putting anything pressure on the request and said he recognises its likely a no, but I want to be as fair as possible.

OP posts:
TipsyKoala · 22/04/2024 18:06

It’s a bit much to ask when you’re so close to birth. If baby comes early you may have to cancel last minute. Suggest hiring a room at a nice pub and all meeting there for a meal?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 22/04/2024 18:16

I think it's a bit shorted sighted of him to organise hosting something that he doesn't know if he will be in a position to host given the timing it pretty much in line with when you may be in labour.

The middle ground is probably leave it as close to the time as possibe and see how things are going.

A "we would love to host but given Jelly's due date is so close, it's impossible to make plans in advance - we might be in the labour ward on the day!"

Binglebong · 22/04/2024 18:16

There is a middle ground and that is to all go out somewhere locally. By that point you may be in hospital with a baby so it really isn't a good idea to plan for your house to be used. And that's before coming home to a mess!

Octavia64 · 22/04/2024 18:17

Book a function room at a pub.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/04/2024 18:19

Are there any hotels/pubs that could do the catering for this meet up session? I’d suggest that over having them all to your place.

BodyKeepingScore · 22/04/2024 18:22

I think there's no harm in it in theory but... if you go into labour early and baby has arrived he's going to have a lot of very disappointed guests with no back up plan. Makes more sense to arrange the get together for somewhere else so that it can continue without you in the event that you're in labour/have just had a baby.

MyRobotFriend · 22/04/2024 18:38

If I wasn't pregnant I'd say fine.

If I was 39w pregnant I'd say absolutely no fucking way.

Nagado · 22/04/2024 19:03

Not a chance. You know what hosting involves. How will he be able to catch up with anyone if he’s rushing round making sure everyone has a drink and making potato salad? Or does his definition of hosting just mean he stands by the bbq turning over burgers while you do everything else and keep your DC from running about around the bbq?

I agree with everyone else. A pub is the way to go here. Even a village hall with a caterer or pot luck and everyone bring a bottle. If he won’t go to them because it’s too far away if you go into labour, then he’s acknowledging it could happen. What will he do if you start during the bbq? Turf everyone out to sit in the nearest park?

patchworkpal · 22/04/2024 19:05

Ridiculous. For all he knows you'll be in labour that day or the day before. Why are they all coming that week anyway..this better not be so they can all see the new baby at once

SummerInSun · 22/04/2024 19:11

All PP are right. Book a pub or restaurant. Those who want could also go for a nice walk before or after (that won't include you!!).

Or if for some reason it absolutely has to be at your house: everyone brings a dish or two and your husband organises who brings what to make sure it's coordinated, so he's not trying to shop and cook for 18 people; everyone eats of paper plates and drinks from paper cups etc so at the end everything is just thrown in blah bags in the bin (this is not the time to worry about the environment); everyone is told in advance by your DH that they will have to help clean up before they leave so that his heavily pregnant wife doesn't have to do a thing and gets a spotless house and garden back.

user1492809438 · 22/04/2024 19:12

Why is he even asking..because he is too cowardly to say absolutely not, my wife is 39+ weeks pregnant and it's a ridiculous idea. He wants you to do the hard part.
Do it, say no.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/04/2024 19:13

my husband's auntie has suggested a get together would be nice one day on the weekend.

Lovely. Why doesn’t she organise something then?!

FairFuming · 22/04/2024 19:14

I definitely don't think it's unreasonable to say no. The idea of getting a function room is a good one

exomoon · 22/04/2024 19:14

No, you will be too heavily pregnant. Please say no.

TheSnowyOwl · 22/04/2024 19:14

Just find a venue to meet up or else say you’ll have to confirm closer to the time but if it can go ahead, you will just be ordering sandwiches or buffet food in and it will just be low key.

FestivalFun · 22/04/2024 19:18

A meal out or a catered buffet in a hall/pub etc is a better option and no back to your house afterwards.

DoreenonTill8 · 22/04/2024 19:19

If other family live 2.5 hrs away why is everyone schlepping to you? Maybe helpful suggestion Auntie could host instead? Or will it suddenly be 'no one else has a big enough house/garden' guilt fest?

SeaToSki · 22/04/2024 19:20

The chance that you will be in hospital out of it on gas and air, your DH will be with you and someone else will be needed to look after your 5 yr old at the exact moment they all want to arrive for lunch is too high to overlook. Its just not worth the risk.

your DH is kind but very short sighted. Someone else can plan it at a convenient pub or function room at a good midway point from all the families, and if you are in a fit state when the day rolls around, you will join in the festivities and might even manage a very short stroll.

anything else is folly

mdinbc · 22/04/2024 19:21

Are there any offers of someone doing a get-together nearer his family? Then perhaps he could bring your daughter with him to see extended family, while you stay at home and take a rest day? You will be either heavily pregnant or have a new little one.

Either that or like other suggested, book a room somewhere or cater it at yours, but you will be sitting with feet up! I think it's not so much the adults, but the 6 young children that make the work.

LittleMonks11 · 22/04/2024 19:22

What in the name of all that's holy did I just read?!!!!

LittleMonks11 · 22/04/2024 19:23

Shinyandnew1 · 22/04/2024 19:13

my husband's auntie has suggested a get together would be nice one day on the weekend.

Lovely. Why doesn’t she organise something then?!

😂

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/04/2024 19:23

As others have said, it's up to your husband's auntie to organise this. You could turn up if you felt well enough

TruthorDie · 22/04/2024 19:27

No, just no. I have never been 39 +2 with a baby. But l did make it to 37 +2 with twins and no way would l have agreed with this. By that point l was lying on a bed with a sheet over my head, could barely sleep or eat. Of course you will get sucked into doing stuff.

Cakefolk · 22/04/2024 19:28

Just say no! This is coming from someone who did go into labour while some of husband family were over, it really was horrible and I really didn't know what to do at the moment it started. You really don't need the extra pressure and 2nd births can be faster.

GridlockedKey · 22/04/2024 19:31

I disagree with everyone and the OP! I think it's a great opportunity to meet up. It would be lovely for your daughter too.

I agree with the OP that she shouldn't have to do anything. I wouldn't but I wouldn't have a problem saying no if asked. Unless the cousins are awful people I bet they will be happy to help. Tell people you can't help and sit back and enjoy yourself.
I don't think a 5 year old (even a lovely one) old needs much parenting in a house with 18 people in it.

If you are actually worried how about getting a babysitter to help watch the kids or paying a neighbours teen to help with cleaning up.
I know the OP is very pregnant but the chances are she won't give birth that day and if she does or if she has the baby early then you will have to cancel. It's not the end of the world.
I'd see it as an exciting fun thing to do rather than a huge burden but then I'f be happy to sit down and do nothing.