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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking advantage of elderly neighbour?

32 replies

waterbabys · 22/04/2024 17:54

One of my neighbours is getting on a bit so about twice a month max I do her online shopping order and help put it away. She always insists I get something to 'treat' myself, I do try to say no but I know it makes her feel better about accepting my help, so I usually get a cheap bottle of wine (like £5/6, I'm not fussy!). This has been going on a while, maybe since covid, with pauses while I was pregnant & such.

Anyway, her son found out I've been doing this recently (I didn't know she hadn't told him, I really didn't think it was a big deal, if anything I thought he'd be pleased!), and he went mad, accused me of taking advantage of his mum and that I've essentially stolen £5 a month from a pensioner over the last few years. I apologised and said I wouldn't do it anymore but happy to continue to help her, but the whole thing has really upset me. I'm devastated that he thinks I was doing this for personal gain. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone in case they think I'm some kind of wrong un. AIBU???

OP posts:
Dearg · 22/04/2024 17:56

Tell her son to do her online shopping. Rude man. If you and your neighbour were happy with the arrangement, you are definitely not unreasonable.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 22/04/2024 17:57

That's outrageous of the son. Tell him he's welcome to do it all going forwards and put it away himself.

Around here there are people that do those sort of things and they charge more than minimum wage (rightly) to do that. You were doing a nice thing and getting a bottle of wine as a thank you.

twoandcooplease · 22/04/2024 17:59

How bloody ridiculous YANBU
He needs to get a grip

OnehundredStars · 22/04/2024 17:59

That lady was being kind and that was good for self esteem to know she was treating you for YOUR kindness

my mother in law gives dh petrol money when he brings her for appointments (plus chocolate)

surely this is normal behaviour
Her son is spiteful here

mitogoshi · 22/04/2024 17:59

That's guilt for you. He should have been doing this for his mum!

Don't feel bad, a £6 bottle of wine seems pretty fair payment

Greywitch2 · 22/04/2024 18:00

I'd have said to him, 'Why is your elderly mother relying on neighbours to do her shopping? Where are you when she needs help? You need not worry because I will never be doing anything again now. I'll leave it all to you'.

I'd refuse to do anymore now, and I'd let her know that he'd really upset me and that in future I was not prepared to do this in case I was somehow accused of stealing from her. I just wouldn't want to get involved now where there was any money involved.

MrsMoastyToasty · 22/04/2024 18:01

A £5 bottle of wine barely covers the delivery charge.

WhatAreThey · 22/04/2024 18:02

A family member of mine gives his carer an extra £20 whenever she does his shopping.
He also pays his cleaner the same cleaning per hour charge for her to just sit and have tea or coffee with him for about 30 to 40mins. Of course some think it's too much but that's what he wants to do.

Your neighbour should've stood up for you.

Going forward, I'll say be very careful with her cos her son could turn things another way when she passes or has poor memory.

Why can't he do her online shopping? Useless!

fieldsofbutterflies · 22/04/2024 18:03

I'd be asking him why she's relying on you for help instead of her own child?

He's a dick OP, ignore him.

Mrsjayy · 22/04/2024 18:04

What an absolute arsehole his poor mum having such an aggressive stingy son. I would stop doing it and tell her and him why !

AffIt · 22/04/2024 18:04

I would apologise fulsomely to your neighbour's son and let him know that you will not be helping his elderly mother out at any point in the future, just in case.

I'm sure he'll be very understanding and will completely step up in your absence...

Mrsjayy · 22/04/2024 18:07

I don't know why you apologied I guess he was intimidating you I would tell him he can do it for her . I bet he's busy with a very important job and doesn't have time to do her shopping.

aodirjjd · 22/04/2024 18:07

I understand why but it’s upsetting that he’s made you stop this. His mum will be sad /upset and it’s not her fault she’s got a shit son.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/04/2024 18:08

but happy to continue to help her

No, I wouldn’t do that. He is being a total arse. If I was the elderly neighbour wanting people to get my shopping, I would feel much happier about asking if I could treat them for doing so.

I would tell your neighbour what your son has said. I would tell the son that you wouldn’t be doing her shopping and he can do it instead. Let her and her son sort things out.

If he apologised for being a total twat, I’d carry on as before.

Queenfierce · 22/04/2024 18:09

Son should be ashamed he wasn't doing it for his elderly mum 🙄

coxesorangepippin · 22/04/2024 18:10

Son is clearly an idiot

Stripeysocks1981 · 22/04/2024 18:13

Stop doing it OP. Explain to your neighbour what her son has accused you off and that you no longer feel comfortable helping her. Tell him HE can do her shopping in future. Why wasn’t he doing it anyway?? Arse hole!

Alwaysalwayscold · 22/04/2024 18:14

He's counting her pennies so she doesn't spend money he could inherit. Disgusting individual.

eatsleepeatrepeat · 22/04/2024 18:14

I don't think she knows her son has even said anything. It was somewhat intimidating, I was in the porch on my way home and he came through while I was crouched down putting my shoes on in a smallish space... I was just so taken aback I didn't really stand up for myself much. Definitely one of those moments I'm going to look back on and say 'I should've said this & this!'

I will tell my neighbour what her son said but can't bring myself to stop helping her, she's a lovely lady. Thanks for listening to me vent! Feel a bit saner now!

Shinyandnew1 · 22/04/2024 18:15

I would be livid he’d spoken to me like this. Please don’t be afraid to tell people-you have done nothing wrong.

Do not continue to get her shopping for free though-I doubt she would like it and It would mean his bullying behaviour was effective. Go round and tell her what he’s said, how he made you feel and say you’re not going to put yourself in a position where he can speak to you like that. Tell her you assume he will be doing her shopping from now on.

If I was her, I would want to know what my son had said and I would be so cross with him.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 22/04/2024 18:15

Awwww OP

Your weren't doing anything wrong. The son is an arse. The wine is an exchange for a favour, both of you are satisfied, things are equal.

I would explain to your neighbour and I wouldn't help any more until the son admits he was in the wrong.

FestivalFun · 22/04/2024 18:15

The son is an arsehole.

Londonrach1 · 22/04/2024 18:17

I bet his mum be upset if she didn't 'pay' you. Tell her son he can do the online shopping himself or pay someone to do it now. His poor mum. Reminds me of someone I know who loved her weekly trips to the garden centre with her carer...her carer drove her (didn't charge petrol) and elderly lady paid for both carer and her to have a cup of tea and a scone at the garden centre. The children got wind of this and stopped it. That poor elderly lady told me it wasn't the same in her own house. She also liked seeing the plants.

coldcallerbaiter · 22/04/2024 18:18

What did the neighbour say about this? She ought to know he has upset you. If she is anything other than upset with her son, stop helping.

I was brought up to always give a gift for a favour, it is polite.

CharlotteSometimes1 · 22/04/2024 18:19

I’d get in contact with him and say that in order to protect yourself from any further accusations you’ll no longer be able to help her with her online shopping. Perhaps add a list of the items she likes to order to make it easier for him. Kill him with kindness the ungrateful arse.