Parents arguments bringing awkwardness to the house

[Howblueisthesky]

My parents have come to stay with us. My dad had quit smoking for a few months and then my mum caught him smoking in our garden this morning. Now she’s angry with him and they’ve not been speaking. The atmosphere is awful in the house and when I took out for coffee this morning and no one spoke. My dad is moody with my Dd, 5 also, which doesn’t seem fair.
We’re all due to go out for dinner tonight, with Dh too after work, really don’t fancy sitting in an awkward mood for a few hours and feel it’s unfair on Dh and Dd

*Them out for coffee

Tell them, now, to sort it out or go home/book a hotel before dinner. They have no business creating a horrible atmosphere in your home.

Maybe cancel the meal out then and play to the reality of what is going on?

@something2say What do you mean?

Tell them to sort it out or leave.

I grew up with these kind of moods/silences/tensions on and off and hate it, don’t want it for my Dd. Also, Dh has been working hard all day and doesn’t need it

They're being really rude and slefish acting like this and making you uncomfortable. Christ, gorwing up with them must have been hard.

But I would probably ask them to sort it out in a non confrotnational way. Something like "come on guys, I know you're angry with each other but I've been so looking forward to seeing you both so can we please put it aside for now and try to have a nice time?"

But in no way take a side or get involved in their argument. No "but it's hard to give up smoking, mum" or "well, dad you did promise you wouldn't" because that will make everything worse.

Cancel the.meal, tell them to grow up or go home. Your house so you don't want this in it! Or you, dd and dh go out and leave the the adults behaving like children at home

Same. It’s awful to grow up with and be around. It’s something that is never allowed in our house, from anyone. They’re in your house now, you don’t have to put up with it.

@Applescruffle It was at times and it makes me feel anxious now tbh
Mum told me about it on a walk and how upset she was etc and how his dad died early of smoking related illness etc, I get it, I really do, is it wrong that I don’t want to be involved or want it brought to us? I mean, we have all our own things going on and our own life

@PeaceOnThePorch Yes I feel like this too, I feel quite strongly about it, I’m used to it but Dh didn’t grow up the same and I don’t want Dd to be in the atmosphere. It’s how they’ve always been. I asked mum if they’d argued and she said she saw him and just gave him a look and now dad’s moody and she’s angry, but they’ve not actually even talked! I remember growing up the confusion and not knowing what had gone on, I’d prefer in a way for them to argue and get it out of the way instead of just awkward silences and sitting around not talking.

@PeaceOnThePorch What can I say to them
though?
I thought of asking mum if we’re still going out, I imagine she’ll look surprised and say yes, why? as she probably sees not much wrong with sitting around like this. Maybe then I can say because I don’t want to sit around in awkward silence and for Dd and Dh too…mind you, she might get upset with me for saying that!

Put your DD in front of the tv or similar, take your parents to another room and say:

"Mum, Dad, I am not prepared for DD to witness the two of you fight and give each other the silent treatment, because I don't want her to grow up thinking that is normal when it's not.

You made me suffer through that as a child and I hated it; I would be a terrible parent if I let you do the same thing to my DD, so I will not allow it to happen in my home.

It's time for you both to leave, I suggest you get marriage counselling because I see now as an adult that your methods of handling conflict within your relationship is awful; it was a terrible example for you to set me and it is not an example I will let you set for my daughter.

When you both apologise to me and to each other and seek out the guidance you clearly need for healthy relationships then maybe you can visit again."

"Right you two, I could cut the atmosphere with a knife and I'm not up for any more of it. There's three hours until the DH is home and we are due to go out to dinner and you have a choice. You can either put your faces straight, and make sure you're decent company by 6pm, or I'm going to cancel your seats go with DH and DD and leave you two here to sort out your differences, and if you can't do that you are probably best heading home in the morning.

I'm going to nip out for some milk with DD now, have a think and let me know when we get back".

And put your coat on.

People don't actually talk like that.

I'll go with "Mum, you and dad have made the atmosphere in my house terrible. Can you both sort this out please because you're making us all miserable"

Was you told as a child “whilst you live under my roof you abide my rules” if so put that into practice and the rules are we are polite and courteous of one another and we do not allow our personal feelings to affect and disrupt the entire house. If you can’t keep your disagreements to yourself this living arrangement will not work.

Tell them now. And if they don't stop it ask them to leave. Repeat on as many occasions as necessary or stop seeing them if they don't get the message. You didn't have a choice about putting up with this when you were a child. You do now. And you can choose for your DD not to experience the same thing as you did.

Yes unfortunately I just can’t imagine speaking to them like that, it’s what I’ve been brought up with I guess.

I just asked mum if we were still going, as expected, she looked surprised and said ‘Yes, why?’ I said because I didn’t want to sit in an awkward silence and that it wasn’t very fair to Dd and Dh to have to and she said ‘There won’t be awkward silences’ 🤷🏻‍♀️hmmm…I’m not so sure tbh, because even if she tries to cover up for it and make an effort to make it less awkward, we’ll likely be subjected to dads mood, which pisses me off as it *Is so selfish really, isn’t it?

Put yourself first then! 'Sorry Mum, I don't feel like going out later, the mood is awful, DD has noticed it too. I think its best you and Dad go home and sort out your differences'

@Harvestfestivalknickers Not sure why I find it so hard to do that!

Oh god, I can empathise with all this !!

My parents argued and argued and there was always an atmosphere in the house - and sometimes we children were go-betweens ... "Tell your father his dinner is ready" .... "Dad, dinner is ready" ...... "You tell your mother that if she wants to tell me dinner is ready she can do it herself" ..........

It was simply awful - I hated it all. We were treading on eggshells every minute.

Many years later, we were visiting them with our little ones and my mother wanted to go on a walk somewhere and we all wanted to go except my father - fine, no problem. But mother wanted him to come and tried persuading him to no avail. She then said to one of my DDs ... "You want grandpa to come don't you?" I saw red - no way was she manipulating my DD to get her own way! I had been similarly manipulated for 16 years. Over my dead body! I took my DD out of the room. I cannot tell you how angry I was - it was like a re-run of my childhood.

After we returned home I did not get on touch with them for some time. Eventually my father rang (which was very unusual as my Mum always rang). Mum had asked/bullied/cajoled him to ring to ask why we had not been in touch. I explained that I was not happy for my children to become involved in their arguments. They never did it again and were always sweetness and light when they were with us.

It is hard for those who have no lived experience of this to understand how deep this goes. I am a pensioner now, but it still pulls my chain in a big way!

So ... would you feel able to say to them that you are not happy with the atmosphere between them and it is making you uncomfortable; and are wondering if it is worth going out for a meal tonight if everyone is going to feel uncomfortable. I am wishing you heaps of luck and sending strength and courage your way!

You have had the "special training" from childhood (where you are taught that you parents are always right regardless of how badly they behave and, if you think otherwise, you are the one with the problem).

It's worth trying. Start with setting small boundaries and build up.

(fellow recipient of said "special training" here)

Just tell them you're not going out to eat if nobody is talking. It makes for a horrible atmosphere.

You go out to eat to relax and enjoy the meal and ambience. Why pay for something that is not going to be enjoyable?

@Mischance All sounds so familiar, so sorry you went through that, it’s only as an adult and especially after having my own child, that I can see how incredibly messed up some things were and I have to fight it a lot to be the same with Dh at times, so unfair

@shepherdsangeldelight Yes, completely. It’s hard to change your approach after years of it