To think my husband should be more considerate?

[Patchymum]

Every night my husband likes to lie in bed, watching TV with his bedside lamp on, and he falls asleep like that.
I can't stand it. I am next to him, trying to sleep and I find it so hard because I need quiet and dark. He gets really grumpy when I ask him to turn it off or down and says that that's how he goes to sleep so why is my way more important. Bit I think that a living room is for watching TV, a bedroom is for sleeping and the person who is actually trying to sleep should get priority. I would very happily not ever have a TV in the bedroom but even if we didn't he would watch his tablet. I've asked him to wear earphones, he did it once and then said they were uncomfortable. So now I just lie there waiting for him to go to sleep so I can switch it all off and sleep myself.

Last night we had an argument about it. I was so tired. The kids had been really challenging that day and I was trying to sleep in a lit room and he had some bloody action film blaring, sounds of people running and shouting filling the room. He got so pissed off and said sometimes he wishes he just had a flat by himself so he could do what he wants without me moaning.
AIBU to think he should use the living room downstairs to watch TV if I am trying to sleep next to him?

Wow this is such selfish behaviour, I’m so sorry you’re living like this.
Id be gone, but I know it’s not always that easy.

He is being unreasonable, but it's difficult if he won't move downstairs.
Is this a new thing or has he always done this?
It isn't fair to you , you could buy some ear plugs or just insist he goes downstairs so you can sleep.
I hope others have better advice , but it is selfish of him.

If that's how he falls asleep then he doesn't want to sleep in the chair.

You should get a sleep mask and ear plugs and he should just deal with wearing headphones

That's pretty selfish. When I first met my now hubby he did the exact same so I very quickly had a chat and said I can't go to sleep with the tv and light on. So now he stays down stairs if he wants to watch something and occasionally falls asleep on the sofa which is fine and I can get to bed when I want no lights and noise lol. I couldn't be doing with no sleep especially when we have 3 toddlers

What a selfish dick. He should at least wear headphones (but ideally should watch TV downstairs). If you don't want to leave because other things are good between you, I would suggest a few sessions with a couples counsellor. I think he'd find it hard to justify this in the presence of a third party.

This is a difficult one.

My partner needs complete darkness and silence to fall asleep. I need some noise or the silence feels oppressive and I can't fall asleep.

Before him, I would watch a film on my phone in bed until I fell asleep. Now I listen to podcasts. If I have the phone very close to my ear on the pillow, then I can have it on the lowest volume setting and its loud enough but he can't hear it.

Unfortunately, it's different sleep needs. If it helps him to fall asleep then it's not really feasible for him to sit in the living room to watch but there does need to be a compromise.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. He should be much more considerate. In an attempt to find some compromise could he even restrict it to 3 nights a week?

I would second the suggestion of a sleep mask and earplugs too.

He can compromise by turning the light off, using headphones and watching on a small phone screen that isn't going to disturb you. Or watching tv in another room if that isn't acceptable.

Sitting up watching tv while someone in the same room is trying to sleep is dickish to the extreme.

If he finds earplugs uncomfortable he could try a Bluetooth headband? Totally agree he's being unconscionably selfish. I like pp suggestion of couples counselling and watch him try to justify it in front of a third party!

You are not being unreasonable. Having a Tv in bedroom is a no go for lots of reasons one also being the impact on intimacy here esp when you have kids … this would likely be the only place and looks like your DH didn’t get the memo!

This is why I have never allowed a TV in any bedroom in my home. That sounds like hell - what a selfish man.

I am also trying to compromise. I also can't stand the TV on silent, just the flickering of the lights drives me mad. But I'm willing to put up with it for silence and as little light as possible.
He does usually fall asleep naturally before me anyway probably because he gets up early, so it's usually not too much of a problem for me to just turn to all off when he's asleep, but last night I was so tired and just wanted sleep early.
I think I need to really insist on headphones.

You do realise that a TV can be turned off. 😁

Here DH is the one who likes silence to sleep and I'm the one who likes some noise.

Our routine is that I lie on my side facing away from him, put earbuds in and watch something on my iPad or listen to a podcast while doing sudoku.
This way I get what I want and DH isn't disturbed by light or noise.

Ask him to try headphones, earbuds, Bluetooth headband or hat and watch on an iPad.
If he can get rid of the sound element, you can pop an eye mask on and deal with the light.

I never grew up with a TV in my room and my mum had a strict "lights out" policy so I think that's where it comes from. For me an adult bedroom is for sleep, dressing, and sex. Thats it. Nothing else.
I've known him since childhood and there was always a TV in his bedroom and he hung out there like a second living room so makes sense that he thinks this is normal now.

Haha yes but think Tv doesn’t help!

If he finds lying down with headphones uncomfortable, he needs one of these:

https://www.snoozeband.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwlZixBhCoARIsAIC745DBUUcfUpmseG7TolcsfGo3Ai14ie0sYWKyd-J9Y1XpNTs1ChhqhvkaAiE8EALw_wcB

I use mine every night to listen to audiobooks while I fall asleep. I find it very hard to fall asleep with nothing to focus on.

Obviously that doesn’t solve the problem of a TV screen lighting up the room, but he could use sleep headphones with a tablet. Or could he compromise and listen to a podcast instead of watching something?

I appreciate that he finds it hard to fall asleep in silence because I do too, but he definitely needs to look at compromising. It’s not really fair to expect a partner to sleep with the light and TV on, especially if it’s not even on a sleep timer and the other person ends up having to switch it off after the telly watcher’s dozed off.

Yes I do 😅 just don’t think tv has a place in an adult bedroom!

My DH does this too and I hate it. He would love to fall asleep with TV on and lamp on every night but I need silence and darkness to fall asleep. I wouldn’t have a tv in the bedroom either if it was just up to me.

We “compromise” and watch TV in bed until about 10:30 most nights then turn it off and go to sleep but I hate the rigidity of this, if I want an early night because I’m tired I can’t have one or I have to beg for one or he gets a bit stroppy over it. It’s so annoying and I dread going to bed a lot.

I wish I had some helpful advice about this for you OP but I can only offer solidarity!

This is my life. He would naturally be asleep by 10:30 anyway. He doesn't stay up late. But yeah, I hate not having the option of an early night.
He also likes the door closed at night which I also don't like as I felt closed in but I can compromise on that too.

He needs to train himself to fall asleep in a less antisocial way. Sounds unbearable.

Separate bedrooms are the best thing ever.

OP definitely needs to look at eye mask etc

Both sides need to compromise as they have different sleep requirements and one does not trump the other

Last night was. It's the stuff he likes to watch too. He never watches something clam where everyone speaks in polite tones like pride and prejudice or something. It's always some man crap with a lot of dramatic music and gunfire. I'm lying there trying to sleep with what sounds like a fucking terrorist attack in my ears.