To think my husband should be more considerate?

[Patchymum]

Every night my husband likes to lie in bed, watching TV with his bedside lamp on, and he falls asleep like that.
I can't stand it. I am next to him, trying to sleep and I find it so hard because I need quiet and dark. He gets really grumpy when I ask him to turn it off or down and says that that's how he goes to sleep so why is my way more important. Bit I think that a living room is for watching TV, a bedroom is for sleeping and the person who is actually trying to sleep should get priority. I would very happily not ever have a TV in the bedroom but even if we didn't he would watch his tablet. I've asked him to wear earphones, he did it once and then said they were uncomfortable. So now I just lie there waiting for him to go to sleep so I can switch it all off and sleep myself.

Last night we had an argument about it. I was so tired. The kids had been really challenging that day and I was trying to sleep in a lit room and he had some bloody action film blaring, sounds of people running and shouting filling the room. He got so pissed off and said sometimes he wishes he just had a flat by himself so he could do what he wants without me moaning.
AIBU to think he should use the living room downstairs to watch TV if I am trying to sleep next to him?

This is abusive behaviour, OP. Not to mention very poor sleep hygiene.

Bedrooms are primarily for sleeping, not watching TV.

With me and DH, the person who wants to sleeps always trumps the person who doesn't want to sleep.

Whoever is awake stays downstairs or goes downstairs if they want to watch TV or anything with sound.

You need to find your voice and tell him that he needs to go downstairs from now.

And if he refuses then please divorce the cunt.

He's a total dickhead then. Who can sleep like that?

Do you have a spare room? I'd move there permanently.

This behaviour is abusive.

I really like the look of these, I think he would like it. I'll show him when he gets home and order one. Thanks so much

this would drive me to LTB I'm afraid. Bedrooms are for sleeping in - for that means the one who wants to sleep has priority. In practice (I go to bed earlier and get up earlier than DH) he is quiet when coming to bed (I leave his bedside lamp on) and i am quiet when i get up and have my clothes ready in the bathroom so no stumbling round the bedroom.

My offer would be: either he watches TV in the living room then comes to bed, or you double up the DCs and have the other room for you to sleep in. Or he (or you) goes to live somewhere else.

My DH used to do this. But when I explained that it was preventing me from going to sleep he stopped straight away.

Now he will read and I have an eye mask. On the very, very odd occasion he wants to watch something in bed he will watch on his phone and use headphones.

Your DH needs to compromise. Beds and bedrooms are for sleeping.

Is he selfish in other areas or is this the only one?

This would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid - I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who watched television in bed. It's probably an over the top irrational reaction, but it's a really strong aversion.

I’d murder Dh if he watched tv in bed while I was trying to sleep, which would partially solve your problem. At a minimum I suggest alternate nights , and when he moans about quiet and no tv you say I’m sorry did you somehow get the impression I was really happy about having the tv on next to me blaring and flashing while I was trying to go to sleep? It’s been shit every single night ever and now I’m finally insisting on balance you seem to think you’re the only one inconvenienced. You’ve been inconveniencing me every night for a long long time, nice to see how little you care unless it affects you. I’ve got the message, and from now on it’s going to affect you.

I need to listen to a podcast or talk radio (usually 4 Xtra) to fall asleep. Mr Monkey can fall asleep just about anywhere in any conditions, but still I wear earbuds and cover the radio/phone with a dark scark to obsure the light.

Bose do sleep headphones that are designed to be comfortable to sleep in.

he is being v unreasonable - mainly because your method doesn't impact him - but his method impacts you. That's the difference.

I have something similar with my husband - i like dark and quiet, he likes tictoc to fall asleep too however he wears earphones, and i wear an eye mask. We both get to fall asleep in our own ways not impacting the other.

If he wont compromise like above then i'd be moving toward sleeping away from him.

He’s totally unreasonable.

Its terrible sleep hygiene too.

Well.... sorry OP.
For myself I can say that Mumsnet keeps me sane sometimes, the best of the best is actually living on your own.
I'm not quite there yet, but it's only a matter of time.
Wonder how many women feel like this....must be a number I haven't imagined.
All these little nuisances that make life miserable
and no freedom.😕

I don’t think i could ever share a bedroom again. Other than for a night or two on a trip I mean. I’m like a dog that needs a retreat of their own.

Does he actually need this to fall asleep or is this just his evening hobbies and entertainment? I.e. could he turn it all off when bored and then go to sleep as normal?

If so, then he’s being very selfish and inconsiderate.

I’m with you - I need darkness and quietness to sleep, the only exception being that listening to a podcast, or sometimes some music, can actually send me to sleep. But the flickering lights are awful.

My DP likes to watch TV in bed too, but he always asks if he’d rather I watch it downstairs, asks me if it’s ok if he watches TV in bed for a bit etc. If it was disturbing me, he’d go downstairs. I don’t usually mind it, and if I’m very tired I can pop and eye mask on and AirPods in and drift off (I enjoy him being next to me). It must be so frustrating to be disturbed so much by someone that doesn’t care they’re disturbing you! It’s definitely a living room activity if someone else wants to sleep!

If he “needs” it to fall asleep then the only solution really is separate rooms, as his needs don’t trump yours. Would you be able to fall asleep to stories or podcast in the dark? Maybe that would be a compromise? Even if he needs it, to be so lacking in understanding and empathy for you still makes him a dick.

What a selfish arsehole. Sorry, that's all I've got!

Absolutely unreasonable. If that's how he falls asleep then he has to retrain himself or sleep on the couch. It's beyond selfish to force a partner to wear ear plugs on a daily basis. I couldn't physically do it - the rare night I have them in because of a noisy hotel causes me severe ear and jaw pain the day after.

Why should she if her dick of a husband can't even be bothered to use headphones?!

Not the point of the thread, but I had this until I got earplugs the right size - I have tried a few sizes but have ended up with little kids ones! I clearly have very small ears! I was basically putting up with sore ears because it was better than the alternative, until I got my current ones.

I started wearing earplugs at night because my husband is increasingly restless as we age and I’m a very light sleeper. I was waking up so often in the night that I was getting to the point where even hearing him breathe in the night was giving me the rage! It was definitely a me problem in this case, but now I sleep really well and can’t sleep without earplugs in, even when he’s not there. This situation is very different, but I think earplugs could be part of a compromise where each party has to put up with something they aren’t totally happy with. It would make more sense for OP to put up with the light (wearing an eye mask, if necessary) and her H to put up with headphones though.

Cunt. LTB. Seriously.

I am sure the removal of the fuse from the plug might prevent the problem for a while, at least.

My DP needs total silence to fall asleep whereas some nights I find myself getting really anxious when I can’t sleep and need to listen to something - I bought a sleepmaskz which is similar to the snooze band someone mentioned and it has changed the game as it means I can listen to what I want, it’s comfy and DP can sleep.

Just to add I still think he’s selfish if he continues not to try and find a solution!