To think my child might have behavioural problems?

[imfindingithardnow]

He is nearly 3 and a half. He doesn’t seem to listen to me or to his dad at all. Yesterday he seemed to go absolutely wild, he asked for a drink and I gave it to him and then he poured it all over the floor and ran in it then all through the house laughing. He climbed onto the roof and was running round laughing hysterically. He demands things and screams at me when I say no. His eating is quite poor in a way: if you don’t feed him he doesn’t really eat.

He attends preschool 3 days a week and no concerns have been reported. Not really sure what to do.

Do you have boundaries and consequences? What play activities does he have at home? Sometimes children demonstrate attention seeking behaviour because they do want attention and that’s not unreasonable. Your child has yet to learn to regulate his emotions and needs support to do so.
Some children want and need more physical and sensory activities than others, could this be the case with your child?
Have a look online at The Solihull Approach which supports parenting and improves child behaviour by meeting their needs . It is not judgy and parents can feel more in control which is good for parent and child.
You might want to consider asking the Local Authority for early help too.
All behaviour is communication

I do think some of its attention seeking but one of the problems is that when he’s like this (and it isn’t all of the time) it’s as if you can’t get through to him, any attempts to redirect are ignored. So you end up with him doing things that you can’t just ignore and that feeds into the behaviour.

I have hugely struggled with any sort of consequence he cares about. Sometimes I can do something direct eg he’s being silly with a toy so the toy is removed but there’s nothing he’s particularly attached to. The sterner you are with him the more he seems to find it funny. Sometimes I can diffuse a situation by ‘ringing’ someone (grandad or preschool teacher, obviously it’s not a real conversation) so yesterday he was refusing to get in the bath so I ‘rang grandad’ but then he got on the bath so I was able to say I’m letting you know DS has got in the bath … yes I agree grandad he’s a lovely boy really … soooo glad he’s done as I asked’ bit cringe I know but it does work. Other times he just shouts at me

I’ll have a look at the Solihull link, thank you.

Erm..... roof?

Our roof has a flat part to it. It was sickeningly dangerous as one slip and he could have been killed. I’m still a bit shaken by it.

Can't say whether he does or not, but I would say that DS school had no issues with his behaviour until he was 8 or 9, at which point he was referred for ASD assessment.

What prompted the assessment, @EilonwyWithRedGoldHair ?

I don’t necessarily think he has ASD: it is possible but I’m just very concerned by him at the moment and wondering where I’ve gone wrong (ofc.)

His behaviours hadn't changed from when he was toddler essentially, and it became more and more obvious that it wasn't 'normal' for his age - meltdowns etc.

Post lockdowns and the move to junior school, he wasn't able to keep up with his peers in school, there was bullying and DS was being mildly disruptive - annoying the other children essentially. When we reached the end of our tether we contacted the school and putting our side together with what they were seeing - the whole picture made it obvious really.

As I said I'm not trying to diagnose or say anything is there to diagnose with your son - it was just I see so often people saying that school/nursery say everything is fine.

Apparently my husband was like this in childhood and he now suspects he had ODD.

childmind.org/guide/quick-guide-to-oppositional-defiant-disorder/

He grew out of it as he grew up and changing schools helped as a teenager. His problem was being exceptionally bright and therefore easily bored and disruptive / disrespectful in dealing with that.

He ended up at Cambridge on a scholarship and is now a partner in a big US law firm - to the surprise of many former teachers! He needed to be pushed academically to relieve his frustrations and once he understood the consequences misbehaving would have on his prospects things got much better.

Your boundaries and consequences are not firm enough.

I think you should ring the HV and ask for some advice/support. He may have behavioural issues in which case parenting will he harder or it maybe that you need to change the way you’re parenting because heisn’t responding to it. Not all methods work for all children. I wouldn’t be ‘ringing someone else’ this is like when parents say I will tell the police man. It sends the message that you’re not in charge.

What consequence did you give for climbing on the roof and pouring water on the floor?

How did he get on the roof before anyone stopped him?

Please don't use his preschool teachers as the bad guys. We don't want him coming to preschool thinking we're going to tell him off. Probably same for Granddad.

So secure the area so he can’t get on the roof. If he does anything remotely similar you have a plan for what you will do. Consequences are best when they are immediate and linked logically to the behaviour. You think of what you want him to do instead of the poor behaviour and make that easy and poor behaviour hard.

No one is using you as bad guys. Please don’t make my thread about you.

Re the roof, it isn’t habitually unsecured and it wasn’t on my watch incidentally but what does concern me is the absolute lack of response, no concern at all for his own safety, just finds it funny. Obviously if it’s bad parenting that’s one thing but I am wondering if it is possibly more than that.

Probably true but then boundaries are only good if they listen to them and consequences if they care so what would you suggest, genuinely?

Genuinely? How 'cross' do you get with him? Does he ever get upset after a telling-off or cry? Because if not, and he just laughs at you, then you need to be a lot more forthright. You also need to be absolutely consistent, and never let him get away with things sometimes.

When was the last time you said "DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!!" and insisted that he did what you asked? And then followed it through to the bitter end until he did it?

Re boundaries and consequences. Punishment in itself is rarely helpful. However, good behaviour should result in a reward - most often this should be your time and interaction. Can include a trip to the park where you play with him (or he plays with others but you are present enough to talk about his fun time on the way home). Every day spend one on one time child led play. If he likes drawing for example let him tell you all
about his picture.
As far as possible ignore his challenging behaviour and model good behaviour. Consequences could be missing out on an activity he was anticipating but replaced with one of lesser value to him. Totally ignoring him as opposed to his behaviour will likely escalate challenging behaviour.
I agree with pp re speaking to HV who may be able to refer you to a Solihull programme if they’re available in your area.

A lot of this sounds like DS1. He’s just turned 4 and has been this way for just over a year. He has hours/days of extreme wildness, where his behaviour is just out of control. He’ll push every boundary going and do very dangerous things as well. When he’s grounded and regulated, responsive parenting works well and he’s amenable to boundaries. When he’s out of control nothing works. He is also extremely demanding and sensitive to changes in his environment.

Im not sure if he is neurodiverse. It wouldn’t surprise me if he is and it wouldn’t surprise me if he isn’t. As someone said up thread, this isn’t outside of the realms of normal for a 3 or 4 yo. If it still persists at 6 or 7 then it would be pathological. I think, by 3 or 4 some DC have very mature self soothing/self regulating abilities. Some really don’t, like our DC.

DS1 needs a lot of exercise (I’m taking at least 5km on his balance bike per day and a run around at the park or equivalent), lots of food, lots of enforced resting and lots of sleep. He also needs a watertight routine. Do you have these basics nailed down? Despite this, he can still be out of control, but days when he is out of kilter are definitely worse.

Also, what sort of pre school does he attend? When DS1 was at private nursery we never had anything of note handed over. We swapped him to a pre school attached to a primary school. Classes are smaller and the day is more structured than at nursery. It became apparent pretty quickly he was more prone to dysregulation and wild behaviour compared to other children. Again whether this is just an extreme immaturity thing or a true neurodiversity is unclear at the moment.

@fromaytobe generally I would say the crosser you get with him, even calm cross (if you see what I mean, very stern, very no nonsense) the funnier he finds it. I do find this very challenging. I feel I have no absolute control to fall back on.

@caramac04 i would say what’s hard is he doesn’t seem to value anything. So for example if I told him we are not going to the park because of your behaviour he’d probably be angry for a while and then start acting up because of boredom or whatever so then I have to keep finding more and more things he can’t do or have!

@VivaVivaa thank you. “When he’s grounded and regulated, responsive parenting works well and he’s amenable to boundaries. When he’s out of control nothing works.” Sounds very like DS. I don’t find he’s out of control a lot but when he is it very quickly becomes a negative cycle. Yesterday really frightened me and I feel it’s not normal maybe?

I would suggest having a clear and predictable routine. Make sure you "cue" what is going to happen and give a warning when you're going out or completing an activity. Also as PP states make sure you give appropriate rewards for good behaviour and ignore bad behaviour when it's safe to do so.
Also I think you are really undermining your own "authority" by pretending to call other people to encourage him to behave. Make it clear to him that you are the one with the boundaries and expectations of his behaviour. It makes small children feel secure to know that someone is ( lovingly ) in charge

generally I would say the crosser you get with him, even calm cross (if you see what I mean, very stern, very no nonsense) the funnier he finds it. I do find this very challenging. I feel I have no absolute control to fall back on

This is exactly like DS1. The few times I have absolutely screamed at him as he was genuinely close to killing himself or hurting someone else, he has laughed like it’s the funniest thing going. It’s extremely hard.

I would say we do have one @foreverbasil . Of course it isn’t rigid because life isn’t like that.

Re calling other people, I didn’t expect to get so much criticism. It happens maybe once every few months when absolutely nothing else is working. And to be honest I have no authority with him which gets me down. I can’t help but think he’s going to have a horrible life

It’s awful. It’s as if they are feeding off your anger/distress. I know it isn’t like that but there have been times it’s felt that DS has been enjoying himself at my expense.

Even negative attention can reinforce behaviours you don't want. I'd ignore as much of the little things as poss and try to only make small positive TRUE observations. "You carried the cup carefully, I am proud/I see you ate the banana, I feel happy you are full" it's amazing the difference this can make. He sounds very physical perhaps needing sensory feedback, try a mini Trampette. Can you make an indoor climbing wall with little grips and pegs, he's seeking certain sensations so providing safe alternatives might help. Give him a spade if you've got a garden get him digging holes and filling with water, make a water wall with guttering. He could be really bright and need more technical challenge in his play.