Am I mean for not inviting elderly parents on holiday?

[Needsomesun24]

Hi, for background- I'm single in my (very!) late 30s. I travel alone for a couple of city breaks a year. I don't live with my elderly parents but spend a lot of time at their house (e.g. I've been staying with them this weekend)- not just to help with household jobs but because I get along really well with them and enjoy their company. Every time I mention that I've booked a trip my Dad makes me feel guilty by saying that I should be taking my mother (and by default him) with me. We've holidayed together many times in the past but it's become difficult in recent years due to some health issues my mum has- she tires quickly and has quite specific dietary requirements makes eating out quite stressful. After yet another comment from my dad today I'm feeling guilty about not inviting either of them on my next trip. Am I being mean? In all honesty, I just want to chill out and not worry about anyone else on holiday.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Would you be able to book something specifically with them though, if they would like to go away with you? It sounds like maybe they would love to go away, but would like it to be with you as opposed to something they would manage on their own?

You are not being unreasonable, but I would stop mentioning it in front of them, then. You sound quite enmeshed, that he would even think to keep suggesting it.

If your DF wants your DM to go on a trip, he could do it by himself.

Are you able to give the time to take them away once a year for a few days?
If so would they pay?
As my grandparents aged my parents did step in and take them on short holidays. These holidays were purely for my grandparents benefit really and they footed most of the costs..
They were considerably older than you though. Parents in their 60’s with grandparents in their 90’s. Parents were either teaching or retired. So more time is guess.

Suggest he books something and you'll come along?

Hm. Sounds like what he actually wants is for you to book/organise and then by default be responsible for your mum's health and diet for a few days. It's not what I'd want to use my annual leave for. Agree you should tell him to arrange a trip himself and you'll come. It won't happen.

Stop talking about it.

Or organise one for them and you and lots for you.

What’s wrong with your Dad that he can’t look after your mum on holiday? There are loads of easy, slow paced holidays they could manage. What would your Dad say if you offered to help him find and book a holiday they could go on together?

Could you do a weekend UK trip with them?

Also, to be honest, why can't your dad and your mum go on their own?

I'm disabled and use a wheelchair and I travel all over the U.K. and go on holiday abroad.

Tell them to book their own holiday! Self catering cottages that are disabled friends are quite easy to find in the U.K.

Could they go on a short cruise? Always medical staff on hand if someone is unexpectedly ill. And use of wheelchairs is very practical. Perhaps you could all go on one for a few days to see how they like it and in future they can go in their own and you can go wherever you want knowing they are ok.

Sounds like your dad needs a break. Why not take your mum somewhere in the uk for a couple of nights, eg theatre break and see how it goes.

Thanks for the replies- lots to think about here! In truth my parents have never been on a 'tourist-y' type holiday without me and wouldn't consider it now. Until I was around 20, we didn't travel anywhere apart from visiting my parents' families in their birth country. Since then they take this trip together maybe once a year/18 months and I haven't joined them for well over a decade.

I think I will plan something for us together next year and accept that it's going to be a slower-paced (and one where I'll have do a lot of research into restaurant menus in advance) trip than I'm used to! I think my Mum in particular would get a lot out of it so perhaps I should compromise as we haven't been away together since 2019.

I'd do a long weekend in the UK, somewhere where you can stroll off for a mooch around the nearest town/beach if your mum needs a rest.

We did this with my MIL last year and just treated it as a complete chill, no long walks like we'd normally do, or sight seeing, just watched films, played games, cooked some nice food, had lovely wine etc. I'm so glad we did as she passed away very suddenly a month later.

It's nice that you are going to plan a holiday for next year, but I wanted to say that you shouldn't feel guilty. You are entitled to a life as well and it sounds like you do a lot already for them.What age are they as if you are only in your 30s I'm wondering what age they are ?

They are 74 and 76. I’m very late 30s- 40 in a few months eeek!!

Would your dad travel? At that age my grandfather wouldn’t travel but my grandmother still wanted to - but then of course it meant she didn’t have someone to go with.

Maybe organise a weekend away with them? You don’t need to take them on all your trips (I wouldn’t either, it’s a different experience), but if you get on and they fancy a trip…?

Or of course, they both fancy a holiday but are conscious in their old age it would be helpful to have you there…?

I have had a holiday with my
elderly parent for 10 years for a week or a few short breaks. It is tailored entirely to their needs.
Quality time together

Then I go on other more active holidays with my friends & partner

I also travel one too

I would suggest, if you have the time & money, then go on holiday together. Your parents will not be here forever. Take lots of photos

Would a short break at a Warners resort be suitable for them? There are some beautiful historic hotels, with vast gorgeous gardens lots of activities and usually towns and cities to visit nearby. It wouldn't be your cup of tea probably, but the facilities are excellent for guests with health issues.
My pils go to different ones, and my mils dietary requirements are always catered for.

@Needsomesun24 since you holiday regularly and also get along with your parents, I’m your place I would book one holiday a year that I would quite like but that meets parents needs and take them.

That way they are happy, you are happy and you will never feel bad for not taking them

I am going to try to say this with kindness but you are an adult and it seems to me that your parents still expect your life to revolve around them.

Don't you want your own life too?

It sounds odd that you spend every weekend with them and now that your father also expect your mother to be part of your holiday plans.

Do you have your own friends? hobbies? do you want a relationship? because none of that is going to happen if you spend all your free time with your parents.

I think you are also being groomed to be your parents full time carers as they are ageing too...

I used to take my frail parents to a coastal town once a year for 3 or 4 nights. it certainly wasn’t a holiday for me but it was the highlight of their year.

Do a long weekend with them and view it as being in place of one of the weekends you spend with them anyway? And then enjoy your actual holidays?

A weekend self catering sounds best as you’ll have long stretches of inactivity if your mum isn’t too mobile. You can get a Tesco etc delivery to the cottage just as you arrive, for ease.
You can still have cafe visits for the social aspect.
And wander off on your own for a few hours.

This.

Also suggest some age-friendly holidays that they could do on their own. My octogenarian DPILs do cruises, coach trips, Warners-type hotel breaks: there's an entire industry based on providing holidays for older people who may need assistance with luggage, less challenging food etc.

Bear in mind that your DM's health may make overseas travel insurance difficult unless you go with a firm which includes it in the package.

Yes post above is what I was trying to say. Something for them which doesn’t take away from you.