To think DH shouting at me over the fence is ridiculous

[Halfcupfull]

Hi,

DH and I have agreed to get our 2 metre back fence replaced. It is 20 years old, and falling to bits. There is a what we believe to be shared fence, inbetween us and our neighbour. This is also 20 years old, and is rotten in need of a replacement; it is 4 foot high with gaps. It needs replaced regardless which DH has agreed with. We are willing to pay all costs and replace it ourselves. We want it the same height as the back to match, and I also value privacy in the back garden.
The issue is DH is very awkward about running it by the neighbours. He has shouted at me this morning saying "it's not you that has to talk to them," and saying he wants to offer wood from our old shed to soften the blow. We're the ones offering to replace the fence in the first place, I disagree with this and told him it is over the top. He then said if they have an issue, we can negotiate, I told dh I want it the same height as the back if going to pay for it, and negotiate what. He then said he wouldn't be asking today, and told me "you ask them then!" He jas said he won't ask them on his day off work and stormed off. He is now outside hammering at the back fence fixing a post. The issue is we are supposed to get an estimate next week for the work, and need the permission before that.
For context DH works in a high up job, and is used to talking to a lot of people. I'm a SAHM with uncontrolled epilepsy that I'm currently taking strong medication for, which i'm suffering from some unpleasant side effects. My confidence isn't great, if I can get epilepsy under control I plan on going back to work and building my confidence. DH has exclaimed he is anxious too.

AIBU to think DH should have a word, and stop burying his head in the sand? I realise it can be awkward, but we're not asking them for any money. One of my parents passed away 6 months ago, and some money they left me will pay for it entirely.

I just feel like DH is making this whole thing more difficult than it needs to be.

AIBU? If I am, I will take any feedback on board.

I'm sorry but if this is something you want, you go to speak to them. Its doesn't matter what your jobs are.

Yes he’s being difficult, why’s he shouting at you? I’d be delighted if my neighbour date this for! Why’s it so hard just to speak to them? Why can’t you if he won’t. Seems a lot of fuss over nothing if I’m honest

Write a note and put it through their door with your number if you dont want to speak face to face. I'd be annoyed if my partner kept asking me to do something that he wants and could do himself.

You can’t be expected to go and have a civil conversation with a neighbour because you have epilepsy?

I think you’re being unreasonable, sorry.

It's not ok to shout at you but if he often has to do things like this for you I can see his frustration ,the shouting might not have just been about the fence.

Sorry OP but I think you both are making this harder than it needs to be to be.

It needs doing and, even considering your descriptions of you both, it seems like the kind of thing either of you could/should do.

Sorry I should have mentioned that I suffer from social anxiety as well.

Sorry to add but I also wouldn't take kindly to being told what to say. If he's the one that talks to them then he's the one who has to navigate any negotiations.

You can just send him round with instructions that it is your way or not at all. That's not very fair on anyone except you.

I bet he's sick of you making him do things because of your lack of confidence. You're very confident telling him what to say. You should go say it to the neighbours yourself. Being a SAHM is no excuse and you're hiding behind the epilepsy. You can talk to a neighbour about a fence. It'll help build your confidence. What you absolutely cannot do is tell him what to do when and how to say it, like he's your mouthpiece. Either he's a high-powered guy and can be trusted to deal with it, in which case, let him do it his way. Or he can't be trusted and you should do it. You don't get to be the boss and then hide behind him because you're too scared to talk to a neighbour yourself.

Still op, your husband was not put on this earth to do everything for you and speak for you.

It's too much for one person to do without getting frustrated!

You can have a conversation over the phone or write a note if you wont speak.

Sorry I should have mentioned that I suffer from social anxiety as well.

Then leave it to him. You can't be the expert on how to handle neighbours while also being incapable of handling neighbours.

Pop round there. What's the worst thing that could happen? Even if they refuse you can just put your fence inside the boundary. They will probably be thrilled.

Well maybe he does too?

I do a little bit, but sometimes I still have to do things that make me a little uncomfortable, because that’s just adult life.

YANBU to feel someone should just go and talk to them but YABU for insisting he has to do it. Could you just pop a note through the door at a time you know they're out and say you knocked but no one answered, you want to discuss replacing the fence with them - can they phone you or pop round to discuss. Then everyone is pre warned. You could even put yhe details of your proposal in the note.

So the best thing to do, so that you can get back out to work in the future and to build your confidence, will be to plan out exactly what you’d like to say, practice it in front of a mirror or to your DH and then give it a go. What the worst that can happen? Predict and preempt what might go wrong and then go for it. Or, send a letter or note through their letterbox as others have said.

Edited to add: it’s not reasonable for him to shout at you, but I have to say that if someone keeps going on and on at me for something like this I can reach a point when I can get unreasonable too. So it’s not good or right but it’s possibly understandable. He should apologise for losing his temper.

Just go and have a word with them yourself OP. I think it won't be as bad as you expect.

Thank you for your feedback. I will try my best do it myself today. Appreciate all you lovely mumsnetters. I will go and give my head a wobble.

And this is a very low bar for social anxiety - not being able to talk to the neighbours. Does this mean he has to do a lot for you, ordering in restaurants, dealing with tradespeople etc? If he's the frontman for everything then you giving him grief about this is probably the last straw hence why he shouted. And then you get to take the moral highground because he's shouted at you.

Sorry x-posted. Glad you're going to do it. Hope it goes well and gives you a confidence boost!

This. Either go yourself or let him do it his way.

Well done. It will probably be nowhere near as bad as you think and you can be proud of yourself either way. (I hate talking on the phone - a lot! - but sometimes I just have to do it and whilst I never enjoy it, it’s rarely as bad as I fear. I do plan out exactly what I’m going to say to start with though.)

You've got this OP.

The best way to beat social anxiety is to face it head on with little things and step by step build up to the big things. Think how much easier it will be to get back into the workforce if you have got the anxiety a bit more under control. This is a good first step as its something you really want/need to happen and so the adrenalin might help carry you through

I also think YABU because your thread title made me imagine you and DH on other sides of a tall fence yelling at each other 😂

I would also be delighted if a neighbour offered to pay to replace a shared fence so don’t worry about asking.

You can do this OP.
Just say we're arranging for quotes to replace the fence. We are hoping for the same all around at a similar height to the back fence.

I think it's usually 6ft rather than 2 meters in a rear garden.

You'll be fine.