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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Life is crucifying me

31 replies

Lucylou07 · 21/04/2024 09:54

I work six days a week. Husband does too. Four bed semi (three beds but a converted loft) in the south. We have one child with SEN, fairly high needs (think violence, trashing rooms, anxiety, having to dress him, refusal for hair cuts) and will soon be going to a special school, and another child, who bless him, we try not to neglect but he is fairly independent as far as six year olds go.

We don't go out. We do free activities with the kids. We don't buy costly snacks (one child is gluten free so it would cost the earth!). We don't really buy clothes and if we do it's second hand. No flashy cars.

But we just don't have an awful lot of money. This house is probably too expensive for our income but we've only just moved here and our SEN child is so much more settled.

Working six days a week and looking after him is breaking my mental health though. I'm permanently tired and have gained a lot of weight.

I don't even know what my aibu is....
Aibu to be finding this hard?

OP posts:
OhHelloMiss · 21/04/2024 09:58

Yanbu!

You need to look after yourself too. Who looks after your DC whilst you both work?

Sounds v hard

MummyShah369 · 21/04/2024 09:58

Yeah I totally get it having a SEN child financial pressures and not much head space can make things feel very difficult indeed… I would try and get some time for your self care as well and exercise will help your mental state but it’s a vicious cycle… even finding time to do things like a simple walk can be challenging in your situation is your job inactive or do you have a more physically demanding job?

Beezknees · 21/04/2024 10:00

Can you downsize to a smaller property? Do you need 4 bedrooms? I appreciate you said you've only just moved but it seems madness to live somewhere that's too expensive for your income.

Mmhmmn · 21/04/2024 10:03

Beezknees · 21/04/2024 10:00

Can you downsize to a smaller property? Do you need 4 bedrooms? I appreciate you said you've only just moved but it seems madness to live somewhere that's too expensive for your income.

This. Have you looked into how much downsizing could save you over a year, every month etc??

MultiplaLight · 21/04/2024 10:03

Your house is the problem, you admit its too expensive.

OhHelloMiss · 21/04/2024 10:04

How can they just downsize?

Where would more moving costs come from? They are both knackered

Original poster
Lucylou07 · 21/04/2024 10:04

Moving isn't particularly an option. We all (happily) have separate bedrooms, I'm diagnosed autistic also and chances are husband is too. I really need the own space that my bedroom brings.

We alternate. Husband works Saturday mornings and evenings (afternoons off), i work Sunday afternoon and evening. We both work mon-fri. I also work Monday evening.

For some crazy reason I also decided it was a good idea to study so I still have 18 months left of that.

I'm an idiot and I'm breaking

OP posts:
StridTheKiller · 21/04/2024 10:05

Do you claim PIP for your DS?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 21/04/2024 10:07

I would downsize and then cut hours down, you're going to end up burnt out.

Original poster
Lucylou07 · 21/04/2024 10:07

Yes we get DLA for our eldest

OP posts:
Beezknees · 21/04/2024 10:08

Lucylou07 · 21/04/2024 10:04

Moving isn't particularly an option. We all (happily) have separate bedrooms, I'm diagnosed autistic also and chances are husband is too. I really need the own space that my bedroom brings.

We alternate. Husband works Saturday mornings and evenings (afternoons off), i work Sunday afternoon and evening. We both work mon-fri. I also work Monday evening.

For some crazy reason I also decided it was a good idea to study so I still have 18 months left of that.

I'm an idiot and I'm breaking

Gently though, the extra space clearly isn't worth it because you've described yourself as "breaking" and that is not a sustainable way to live.

ElleLeopine · 21/04/2024 10:21

Can you relocate to a cheaper area?

Also, what is the end goal of your studies? Will it enable you to get a better paid job? If not, perhaps you could park it for now, if it's giving you extra stress?

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 21/04/2024 10:28

Could you look at both or one of you reducing your hours and claiming carers and /or uc plus reducing child care costs.

GrazingSheep · 21/04/2024 10:30

What are your childcare arrangements?

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2024 10:31

How much is your income/mortgage? Is that sustainable?

CheeryPye · 21/04/2024 10:35

You have no money for anything because the house is too big and expensive for you. There's only one answer to that problem but you don't want to do that so the alternative is work even more hours and break yourself even more. I think I know which one I'd choose. I very much doubt your SEN child is only more settled because you over stretched yourselves financially with a house you can't really afford. .

GoBonobo · 21/04/2024 10:37

Can you extend your mortgage term so it’s a bit more affordable in the immediate term? I had friends who did this (public sector so no pay rises for years but huge COL rises, and friend developed a medical issue which required her to cut hours). Might just give you the breathing space to finish your course and get DC settled in their new school, then you can review?

Whateveer · 21/04/2024 15:12

Kindly but bluntly you are living beyond your means. The house is too expensive, we couldn't survive in a house that's too expensive.

AE9766 · 21/04/2024 15:21

I really need the own space that my bedroom brings.

That's as maybe, but kindly, you can't afford it.

3WildOnes · 21/04/2024 15:25

How much do you bring in each month and how much is your mortgage?

Okisenough · 21/04/2024 15:48

@Lucylou07 Sending you a hand-hold and of course, you are not unreasonable. Anyone would feel the weight of what you are going through. Having a SEN child is incredibly hard work and emotionally overwhelming. You are all doing the best you can.

I personally would pause the studying until you feel you have more energy and your child has started at their special school. You may find that things like anxiety and violence improve once he is at a school that understands his needs.
I would then check you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to and are accessing all the support available for your eldest including perhaps some respite. Check out if there are any local support groups or charities for families with SEN children, you might be able to access some emotional support and cheap group outings. I also agree it might be worth calling your mortgage providers to extend the term and lower your payments.

Mammajay · 27/04/2024 19:08

Perhaps postpone the studying

Original poster
Lucylou07 · 27/05/2024 04:17

Just popping back on to the thread. I hate it when the op disappears.

I've taken some time for my increased antidepressants to kick in and am starting to feel more myself.

I've postponed my studies (and probably won't go back to them) and have started looking at special schools.

We have had a bit of a crisis with my boy attempting to harm himself in quite a severe way but without a trigger warning I won't give more details (tbf it's also v outing with the rest of this thread)

OP posts:
Monstermunch2 · 27/05/2024 06:30

A had to give my job up ,with the school not coping with my ds..he was asked to leave two special schools and ended up having tutoring at home ,and I had to be available the whole time the tutor was there .
Thank god we hadn't moved to a much needed bigger school ,as we were suddenly managing on one income
As is often the case Al my friends are in similar boats ,and it's very frustrating to see the majority are also managing on one salary due to SEN DC not in full time school

Monstermunch2 · 27/05/2024 06:31

Bigger house .not bigger school