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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Putting my little boy "under the knife" - Am I vain? or Am I protecting him from bullying?

65 replies

Cucci · 01/04/2008 10:20

DS1 was born with a sebaceous nevus on his head which basically looks like a bald patch right on the crown and is the size of a 2 pound coin. There will never be any hair there and his hair has grown around it instead of over it. (It looks like alopecia)

He is 3 in June and every now and again he asks "whats that mummy?". Anyone who meets him for the first time is always compelled to ask me what it is. I suppose its starting to become an issue of sorts.

I went to see a Consultant who has said that it could be reduced by 80% with a small Op, but this would involve General anaesthetic. The downside is that the Operation is better the younger he is because the elasticity of the skin makes the Op more successful. So he will have this Op before he is 5.

The only reason for getting this done is vanity - there is no medial reason but I am worried that he will be picked on because of it and kids can be so cruel. If I leave it and just think that its part of him he could them blame me for not sorting it out when he's older.

I know its my decision but I would welcome any thoughts - thank you.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 01/04/2008 13:26

I understand your dilemma
I think the thing with issues like this is where do you stop? I mean do we accept our children as they are or do we automatically want to make them as good looking as possible? (we can say it is because of bullying if we like...)
I think everyone will draw the line somewhere different - it is entirely your choice and your family's
could you wait until he is slightly older and then ask him his opinion? when nearly 5 IMO he could be closer to making an informed decision himself

I think I would probably feel the same way as you, not surprisingly...
but like it or not this kind of thing does send a message to our children that we want them to look the same as everyone else and that our judgement of them partly depends on their looks

FluffyMummy123 · 01/04/2008 13:27

Message withdrawn

VictorianSqualor · 01/04/2008 13:30

DD had an op on a scar that was left on her breast near her nipple from a pneumothorax when she was born.
It was my decision and I don't regret it in the slightest, she may not care now but one day she would've cared.

FluffyMummy123 · 01/04/2008 13:31

Message withdrawn

VictorianSqualor · 01/04/2008 13:34

I agree with cod, don't overthink it, I'd get it done, at that age they recover really quickly and it may make a difference to him.

You'd feel terrible if he came home crying one day because of it, just be aware that watching them go under is horrible, but quick.

FluffyMummy123 · 01/04/2008 13:35

Message withdrawn

sarah293 · 01/04/2008 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

preggerspoppet · 01/04/2008 13:40

have only read the op.

I would say go and get some more preofessional advice, from other people, the advice might vary quite alot, the more advice you get the better equipt you weill be to make this big decision.

I would like to say I wouldn't do it.... but I think I would probably be finding out about it like you have.

ds2 has a big harry-potter scar for a birth mark, we have grown to love it, it is part of him.

FrannyandZooey · 01/04/2008 13:41

but....
children can be bullied for all kinds of things
do we try to eradicate all of them?
do we let other people's possible opinions of us convince us to make a decision like this, or do we try to teach our children to accept other people's differences and to be proud of who they are?

I think you should make the decision you feel is best, whatever that is, but I think it IS partly an ethical decision
you need to be happy about it

FluffyMummy123 · 01/04/2008 13:42

Message withdrawn

preggerspoppet · 01/04/2008 13:42

(other people=other doctors)

lennygrrr · 01/04/2008 13:43

we try to eradicate the things we can. there are enough things that they can be bullied for that are outside of their control

i would get my daughters ears pinned if they stuck out. if their teeth were wonky they would get braces. i don't see much difference with this.

sarah293 · 01/04/2008 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheikYerbouti · 01/04/2008 13:44

I'd do iot, fwiw.

I do know who you feel; DS2 has a congenital hand abnormality (he has a small hand and 2 odd shaped fingers that form a pincer, his arm is also marginally shorter then the "normal" arm) We have been offered a toe-to-finger transplant, where they basically make new fingers from his toies. However, DP and I are not keen. We feel it will make his hand look even odder and he has good function in his hand. There are also risks of the body rejecting the new fingers. This would then leave him without fingers and toes.

I agree with a previous post about how in teenage years he won;t want to look any fifferent to how his mates. It's hardly as if you are giving him breast implants or a nose job. Go for it!

preggerspoppet · 01/04/2008 13:47

trouble is, you can't fix everything for them, my (gorgeously handsome) ds1 is desperate for blue eyes like his brother, he can't see that he has the most amazing big brown eyes, there will be other things he won't be happy with too in the future. he will get used to it! I understand that this is a bit different, but I agree with fanny's last post.

lennygrrr · 01/04/2008 13:48

i think that is the point, preggers, that you can't fix everything, so you do the things you can...

needahand · 01/04/2008 13:51

When I was a kid I had a big birth mark on my arm (like a mole but the size of a 50p coin). I was teased/bullied about it all the time so I didn't want to go to the swimming pool or wear short sleeves and I spent my childhood trying to cover it up.

When I was a teen a doctor advised my parents to have it removed as apparently these birth marks can become cancerous. They did. Now I have a long (8cm) scar but it has really faded and you can hardly notice it. I was hardly ever asked what I had after the ops. Might have happened once or twice and I used to make up stories for the fun of it just to see the person's face and then admit the truth. It took one of my best friends 5 years to notice I had a scar.

After that I never felt body conscious again, and I cannot thank my parents enough for making that decision. Of course because I was older (16) they did seek my opinion but your DS might be a bit too young.

Good luck with your decision at the end of the day, you can only do what you think is best. And strictly speaking it is not just vanity if you think your DS will be teased/bullied about him, it is about self esteem and enjoying one's childhood.

Sorry I went on a bit

SheikYerbouti · 01/04/2008 13:52

But my DS2 is goi9ng to be a target for bullies/horrid comments from others. Children can be incredibly cruel to one another

I would do anything to give him a normal hand. It breaks my heart to think that some unthinking bastards in the future will make hurtful comments about it. He is 19 months old now, and has already endured it (well, I have - he's oblivious to it, of course) from unthinking arseholes

FluffyMummy123 · 01/04/2008 13:52

Message withdrawn

SheikYerbouti · 01/04/2008 13:54

Just sniggered at the unfortunate juxtaposition of my post about my DS2's hand and the next post being from a poster called "needahand"

FluffyMummy123 · 01/04/2008 13:56

Message withdrawn

preggerspoppet · 01/04/2008 13:56

what about a few hair extentions? expensive maybe but better than surgery?

redadmiral · 01/04/2008 14:00

I had slight bone deformity that is quite easy to keep hidden, and when I was having treatment for another bone problem the consultant asked me (aged about 9) and my parents if I wanted it rectified under GA. I was pretty sick of hospitals and said 'no'.

It's something I live with and is part of me - has never been a major problem, although it sometimes affects what clothes I can wear, and sometimes people do notice.

If I could go back to being asked the question at 9 I think I would have said yes, just for a slightly easier life. However as a parent, I can understand not wanting to risk a GA on your child.

redadmiral · 01/04/2008 14:03

PS. Think my DD has the same thing, though I'm avoiding the issue at the mo as it's too early to tell. Not sure what I'll do, TBH.

C2ndbaby · 01/04/2008 14:06

Hi Cucci, I was born with this on my head and had it removed when I was about 12. I don't want to scare you but my Skin specialist said that if I don't have it removed I could die from cancer before I'm 21.

I should add and this could be tmi but my started almost bubling when my periods started every month.

I would really suggest having it removed I now have a long scar moving from the one side of my head to the other side and on the scar itself the hair does not grow my hair do cover it though.

Good luck in any way, whatever you decide. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to ask.

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