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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit depressing?

45 replies

AquaBee · 20/04/2024 21:41

My cousin was 43, still living at home, very depressed about it and worked but didn't earn enough to buy alone. Very much like a colleague of mine.
Anyway, she met a guy online and now is moving into his place , has a great social life, very happy. All because of a guy. Now I know people may think I am old fashioned, but does anyone else find that a bit depressing?
There was no way she would have been able to buy alone in London or the surrounding areas before him. I know people on MN say otherwise, but not everyone has the potential to be a high earner and in London as a single person you need to easily be on 50K minimum. She also said she no longer feels judged by others when she did before. Yet all she did was meet a man who is a lot more financially stable. Of course I am happy for her but I do wish single people were valued as a person on their own and not someone who is half a person and I also wish life was easier for single people as I do believe the world is very much geared up towards couples.

OP posts:
Youdontevengohere · 20/04/2024 21:45

It sounds like she’s happy, so I’m not sure why it’s depressing?

Original poster
AquaBee · 20/04/2024 21:48

I just find it sad that she is now not judged because she has a man and lives with him. That she is now only happy and settled because of him. Maybe I didn't explain it well enough in my first post.

OP posts:
MumChp · 20/04/2024 21:50

That's life.
Nothing else. Sorry.
London is for the few.

Couples often get more positive attention than singles. In all aspects of life. Not fair but very often how it works.

Youdontevengohere · 20/04/2024 21:53

Apologies, I didn’t see in your original post that she was being judged for being single. Who was judging her?
I think it’s fairly normal for people to be happier in a relationship than out of one. Obviously it’s not the case for everyone, but in general people crave the closeness and intimacy of a romantic relationship and prefer it to being single. I don’t think it’s sad necessarily, just human nature.

MumChp · 20/04/2024 21:53

AquaBee · 20/04/2024 21:48

I just find it sad that she is now not judged because she has a man and lives with him. That she is now only happy and settled because of him. Maybe I didn't explain it well enough in my first post.

@AquaBee

Ahhh she could have chosen a way which did could settle her for a happy life without a husband.

But if you settle for buying a London home yes it will for most just be an unhappy dream.

TeapotTitties · 20/04/2024 22:04

Why didn't she rent rather than live at home, like most people do?

Original poster
AquaBee · 20/04/2024 22:04

Where we live it is possible to get a flat for 190K so not an impossible dream but it is without doubt, a lot easier to buy as a couple.
The world certainly is geared up for couples. Now family and friends all feel she is complete and she doesn't feel self conscious anymore. I just wish there was a way she could have felt positively about herself, alone. As I said, great she is happy but feels depressing to me that it's because of one man.

OP posts:
Original poster
AquaBee · 20/04/2024 22:06

Because even rents are ridiculous prices around here. Easily 1K a month with added bills. Not easy when you are single and on a low wage.
I know many adults, even couples who are living with parents as it's so expensive.

OP posts:
LoopyLooooo · 20/04/2024 22:07

I hope the guy is sensible enough to protect his assets.

Youdontevengohere · 20/04/2024 22:09

AquaBee · 20/04/2024 22:04

Where we live it is possible to get a flat for 190K so not an impossible dream but it is without doubt, a lot easier to buy as a couple.
The world certainly is geared up for couples. Now family and friends all feel she is complete and she doesn't feel self conscious anymore. I just wish there was a way she could have felt positively about herself, alone. As I said, great she is happy but feels depressing to me that it's because of one man.

Isn’t it normal though to be happier once you find someone you love to spend your life with? I was perfectly happy when I was single and lived alone, but I was definitely happier when I met my now DH because it’s nice to spend your life with someone you love.

TeapotTitties · 20/04/2024 22:09

AquaBee · 20/04/2024 22:06

Because even rents are ridiculous prices around here. Easily 1K a month with added bills. Not easy when you are single and on a low wage.
I know many adults, even couples who are living with parents as it's so expensive.

I live in London, and there are plenty of commutable surrounding areas where one bed flats are around £900 per month.

If she was that depressed, did she not think about increasing her earning power while she lived with her parents, or moving out of London?

Or even a flat share?

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 20/04/2024 22:12

Youdontevengohere · 20/04/2024 22:09

Isn’t it normal though to be happier once you find someone you love to spend your life with? I was perfectly happy when I was single and lived alone, but I was definitely happier when I met my now DH because it’s nice to spend your life with someone you love.

Show quote history

Yes completely normal.

It sounds like she's fallen in love and life has taken a turn for the better.

I'm not sure why the OP is trying to put such a downer on it?

Original poster
AquaBee · 20/04/2024 22:17

Not trying to put a downer on it. it just seems a bit precarious to me.

OP posts:
Youdontevengohere · 20/04/2024 22:19

All relationships are precarious really. So you might as well enjoy the good times while you can.
Are you in a relationship OP?

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 20/04/2024 22:24

AquaBee · 20/04/2024 22:17

Not trying to put a downer on it. it just seems a bit precarious to me.

How's your relationship going OP?

Tel12 · 20/04/2024 22:25

Most people get most of their happiness from their closest relationship. Probably most of their misery too but that's life.

Bex5490 · 20/04/2024 22:27

Be happy for her!

Some people are happier in relationships. Some are happier single but your friend sounds like she’s happier with someone.

I know plenty of successful single people living in London who live fulfilling lives with their own flats etc. Just because that’s not what your friend wanted doesn’t mean life is sad…

BlessedKali · 20/04/2024 22:28

Building a relationship/marriage/family/home has been the most important thing in a humans life for generations and generations. It's great we have the freedom to opt out of that if we don't want to of course, but we are not going to be ableto delete the urge, or the satisfaction it brings.

I'm wondering why you feel moved enough by this to post on Mumsnet?

HappyEater · 20/04/2024 22:28

You sound a bit jealous, tbh. Are you in the same position she was? And now she’s happy and you’re still there?

Can’t understand why you wouldn’t be happy for your cousin otherwise.

As PP said, it’s normal to feel happier once you meet someone who makes you happy

whoneedssixteen · 20/04/2024 22:30

I get exactly what you're saying OP. Have we really not moved on?? A woman on her own is nothing until she has a man? Only then has she "succeeded" and she gets the grown up life and acceptance. It is depressing.

MumChp · 20/04/2024 22:30

AquaBee · 20/04/2024 22:04

Where we live it is possible to get a flat for 190K so not an impossible dream but it is without doubt, a lot easier to buy as a couple.
The world certainly is geared up for couples. Now family and friends all feel she is complete and she doesn't feel self conscious anymore. I just wish there was a way she could have felt positively about herself, alone. As I said, great she is happy but feels depressing to me that it's because of one man.

@AquaBee

But she is happy? I would let it go.

I know quite a lot of singles being very happy - they choose (like me in my marriage) a life fit for them.

Youdontevengohere · 20/04/2024 22:31

whoneedssixteen · 20/04/2024 22:30

I get exactly what you're saying OP. Have we really not moved on?? A woman on her own is nothing until she has a man? Only then has she "succeeded" and she gets the grown up life and acceptance. It is depressing.

But who is saying that she was worth nothing before finding a man? All the OP has said is that she’s happier now she has a partner.

TeapotTitties · 20/04/2024 22:33

whoneedssixteen · 20/04/2024 22:30

I get exactly what you're saying OP. Have we really not moved on?? A woman on her own is nothing until she has a man? Only then has she "succeeded" and she gets the grown up life and acceptance. It is depressing.

It would be depressing if it was true.

However, for a great many people it isn't.

Of course some will judge but that doesn't make their opinion mainstream.

And of course some people (like the OP) will judge for the silliest of reasons.

whoneedssixteen · 20/04/2024 22:34

She was saying she felt judged.

TeapotTitties · 20/04/2024 22:38

whoneedssixteen · 20/04/2024 22:34

She was saying she felt judged.

People are judged for literally everything.

Looks
Clothes
Shoes
Income
Weight
Occupation

The list is absolutely endless but that doesn't mean the majority of people judged the OP's cousin.

I think the OP is just trying to put a depressing spin on her cousin's new found happiness, which in itself is quite depressing.