To find this a bit depressing?

[AquaBee]

My cousin was 43, still living at home, very depressed about it and worked but didn't earn enough to buy alone. Very much like a colleague of mine.
Anyway, she met a guy online and now is moving into his place , has a great social life, very happy. All because of a guy. Now I know people may think I am old fashioned, but does anyone else find that a bit depressing?
There was no way she would have been able to buy alone in London or the surrounding areas before him. I know people on MN say otherwise, but not everyone has the potential to be a high earner and in London as a single person you need to easily be on 50K minimum. She also said she no longer feels judged by others when she did before. Yet all she did was meet a man who is a lot more financially stable. Of course I am happy for her but I do wish single people were valued as a person on their own and not someone who is half a person and I also wish life was easier for single people as I do believe the world is very much geared up towards couples.

That doesn’t actually mean she was, though. People feel all sorts of things, usually based on their own insecurities/feelings about themselves. I felt judged when I was a SAHM. I also felt judged when I went back to work full time. In reality, I doubt people gave my circumstances more than a passing thought.

Mine's £900 in Nottm so £1k in London seeme cheap?!

You do sound jealous

I don't think she was judged for being single, but probably judged for being 43 and living at home as that's some serious failure to launch. She's very lucky she's met someone who is prepared to give her a good lifestyle, while the relationship lasts. I bet her parents will be relieved she's finally left home past middle age.

Proving my point about judging there @TotalDramarama24 ..
And no. I am not jealous. 🙄

But you're judging her, even to the extent you've made a 'depressing' thread about it.

Although I think it's fair to say, you're a little keenly interested in middle aged women in general not being able to buy their own flats, given your past posts on the subject.

Are you in the same position your cousin used to be OP? Is that what you find depressing?

So OP, are you single and happy and able to buy a house in London alone? Or do you already have your man and your double income so don’t realise you were the same as her till you got a man?

I give up! I shouldn't post while watching TV!😂I was trying to understand and summarise what the OP was feeling. It's not my cousin, I don't know if she was judged or not but OP's point was that her cousin SAID she felt judged. OP thought this was sad - and seemed to be saying that women were often judged for not quite making the grade unless they got a man.

I do think that some women judge some other women who remain single and who haven't hit the jackpot of high-earning Man to provide validation and lifestyle. Not me - and not all women. (And I'm beginning to wish I'd just left it and concentrated on the telly!)😂

As others have said, people feel (and sometimes are) judged for all sorts of things. She's in a couple and living away from her parents' home, now, but will she next feel judged for not having had children? We all have things about is that someone would judge. Being judged for being single and living with your parents well into adulthood is no worse than many of the other ways you might be judged.

I disagreed that she was judged for being single and not valued as a person in her own right. The judgement was probably about everything else. Someone doesn't have to live at home for the first 25 years of adulthood because they can't afford to buy a house. Rentals or house shares are available.

Not sure why everyone thinks the OP is jealous. The cousin has been living off her parents for 43 years and is now living off a man. She is reliant on keeping the relationship going to keep her new lifestyle. Why would anyone be jealous of that?

Because perhaps the OP is also middle aged, single and unhappy her cousin now isn't?

Who knows, but it's a strangely pessimistic thread, given her cousin's newly found happiness.

Maybe the cousin has given validation to her new partner, who is also now part of a couple, so really we should be doubly happy for her and not feel depressed at all?

Yeah but her "failure to launch" is hugely down to the fact she didn't have a partner to move in with. I mean yes you can still do it being single, but it's MUCH harder and a struggle than say being 25 and moving in with a bf. I mean the fact she's finally done it at 43 proves it-otherwise she'd still be living with her parents if she hadn't met someone most likely.

I think I understand you, OP. You’re saying that she’s putting all her happiness in his hands? So you’re happy for her that she’s happy, but since she never had much of a life before him, and they could easily split, what is she going to be like then? She’ll likely be absolutely distraught. I have a friend like this. Her husband is her whole life and she completely worships him, laughs about his faults saying things like, ‘oh, what are they like!?’ and won’t have a bad word said against him. If they split she would go to pieces, she’s not her own person. It’s not healthy. If that’s what you mean?

YANBU. This is why many women wind up financially stuck. :(

Housing should not be so expensive but I don't know how the government could ever fairly or realistically make one person's income equal to two people's. That's not being geared up for couples, it's a case of having double the money to pay for the same thing (1 bed flat for instance.)

There are downsides to coupledom too.

If she has an excellent social life now she must have something going for her, that's not something someone else can wholly do for you, maybe she always had more potential in some areas than you thought and being happy in one (relationship) has given her confidence and opened the world up a bit for her. Bit mean to say it's all "the guy" and imply she brings nothing.

Guess she's just using her erotic capital.

Unless someone earns megabucks or has had some luck with investing it’s obvious that one income is not as good as two. I wonder how much she managed to save living at home all those years even if on quite a low wage that’s a lot of earning years, unless she was supporting her parents.

Now I'm feeling judged for being a married woman with a husband who helps support me, I don't think my life choices are depressing.

Women judge women all the time, if your friend felt judged before this man and now doesn't thats great for her but she is being judged here for being with him. Its the same issue.

I get what you say OP about society being geared for couples especially when it comes to housing. But it should be considered sometimes how incredibly difficult sharing your home with a partner and family can be. It's a massive trade off and there are so many day to day advantages with living alone. The problem is as always we only have 1 life to live and are stuck with all aspects of our life choices or circumstances.

She could also have house shared with people. Mates or strangers. It didn’t have to be “meet a man and move in.”