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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids sticking up for their dad after separation

30 replies

Pinacoladaqueen · 20/04/2024 21:15

First week of living on my own post divorce and it’s miserable. DD sticking up for dad and she told him I was speaking about him to my mum which caused another huge argument. I’ve now banned ex from coming inside the house.

Honestly feel like walking away from all my kids! They won’t listen to me messing about my life is horrible 😩

Please tell me it gets better?

OP posts:
Ssr · 20/04/2024 21:17

As mothers we do everything for our kids so it’s a shame but don’t worry bits just a phase. You got this it will get better xx

WittiestUsernameEver · 20/04/2024 21:17

How old are the kids?

WittiestUsernameEver · 20/04/2024 21:18

What was the situation where she heard you talking shit about her dad? She didn't "stick up for him" out of the blue
Someone must have been criticising him in front of her/earshot.

Ponderingwindow · 20/04/2024 21:19

Your children should not hear you speaking about their father negatively. Aside from extraordinary circumstances, they need to be allowed to keep a positive connection with both parents.

it’s hard, but you have to keep your relationship drama away from your children as much as possible. They don’t need to hear about your arguments, the legalities, your new friendships, and definitely about any dating. They have their own issues to deal with right now.

FoxRedPuppy · 20/04/2024 21:22

My dc have never heard me say a single negative thing about their dad. Not directly or in a conversation with anyone else.

You need to make sure they don’t. Whatever happened between you and him, is just that, and they don’t need to know about it. Ever.

Tohaveandtohold · 20/04/2024 21:26

You need to keep your relationship issues separate really. Stop talking about him, your relationship issues, etc in front of them.
He’s still their dad and if he’a a good one, they’ll stick up for him.

mamajong · 21/04/2024 08:05

They shouldn't be in a position of sticking up for him.tbh, neither of you should be trash talking the other to, in front of, or in earshot of your DC.

Speak to your Mum, your friends etc by all means and have a good old rant if you need to...but NEVER in earshot of DC, its not fair to put them in that position

clearmoon · 21/04/2024 08:06

Make sure your kids are never in a position where "sticking up for their dad" is a thing

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/04/2024 08:08

You cannot let your kids hear you say bad things about their dad. He's your ex, but he's their dad and they love him. It's important that they don't feel they have to pick sides.

HappyEater · 21/04/2024 08:09

They haven’t divorced their dad. They shouldn’t have to listen to you trash talk him to other people.

Come on, this is pretty basic.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/04/2024 08:11

Your children shouldn't feel they have to stick up for either of you, because neither of you should be criticising the other where the kids can hear you. My stbxh does this, says nasty things about me to his parents when my DD is there. It hurts her really badly. Its really poor parenting to put your kids in the middle like this.

HelloDenise · 21/04/2024 08:12

What do you say to kids about the reason for splitting? My friend told her son that "Daddy still loves you, but he doesn't love Mummy anymore" when he moved in with another woman. To be fair he married OW and it worked out but my friend is still angry about it.

It's a balance I guess. I suppose kids will work out for themselves if Daddy is a cheating abusive philandering gaslighter.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/04/2024 08:18

HelloDenise · 21/04/2024 08:12

What do you say to kids about the reason for splitting? My friend told her son that "Daddy still loves you, but he doesn't love Mummy anymore" when he moved in with another woman. To be fair he married OW and it worked out but my friend is still angry about it.

It's a balance I guess. I suppose kids will work out for themselves if Daddy is a cheating abusive philandering gaslighter.

Edited

Its all very generic. Mum and Dad have a lot of things they dont agree on and we don't get on anymore and end up fighting so we can't live together anymore type explanation. My ex is abusive. I certainly wasn't going to tell them that. If its been a while its sad for your friend that she can't let go, anger often hurts the one who holds it more than the person who caused it.

NWQM · 21/04/2024 08:21

I know it's hard to follow the advice here to never say anything negative when you are hurting to, trying to explain the major change & especially if it was over heard...

Try and bear in mind if you can that your children are processing. They want to love and be loved by their parents. They want their life not to change.

All teenagers start to question the actions of adults in their life and most as come point find things they dislike. Many of the things they dislike they have to reluctantly and eventually agree the adult is right, wasn't a jerk etc. This isn't emerging naturally with your kids. They have been thrust in to looking at the adult relationship because it has broken down.

Try and find the strength and space to talk through your issues separately and bear with theirs.

If you can be factual only if they know about the reasons for the breakup. If they don't decide what they should know as a vacuum of information can be difficult.
They don't need nor probalay should know everything. It's an adult fall out.

Try and remind them they are loved.

Try and label your emotions. If it is too hard to talk about something because you are heightened say so.

Seek out support them to have someone to talk to talk to as it is understandable that right now this can't always be you

ItSucksSo · 21/04/2024 08:21

Your children should not hear you speaking about their father negatively

Absolutely this.

My DF was dreadful to DM after she left him, she never said a bad word about him to, or in front of, us. We didn’t find out until many years later when we were adults.
He is their other parent. Stop putting your kids in a position where they have to stick up for their other parent, who they love as equally as they love you.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/04/2024 08:22

Honestly feel like walking away from all my kids! They won’t listen to me messing about my life is horrible 😩
Can't get past you blaming your kids when you caused the argument by bad mouthing their Dad where they could hear. My ex is an arsehole but they're not going to hear that from me.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 21/04/2024 08:24

Your kids shouldn't have to stick up for their dad. They're obviously going to feel defensive of him, he's their dad!

Any moaning of your ex needs to be done well away from the kids.

Changingplace · 21/04/2024 08:25

Don’t put your daughter in a situation where she’s hearing you slag off her dad, that’s not fair on her whatsoever- keep conversations about your divorce private!

Of course she’s going to stick up for him in that scenario, you need to be more conscious of what she hears it’s not ok to put her in this position.

LateAF · 21/04/2024 08:26

Why are you putting your daughter in the middle? Shame on you for putting her in a position where she felt like she needed to defend her father.

fieldsofbutterflies · 21/04/2024 08:29

I know it's hard, but as everyone has said, you can't badmouth your ex around your children - it's not fair.

He's their dad at the end of the day, and they love him and don't want to hear you being unkind - even if what you're saying is true, it's not for your children to hear.

Conversations about your ex need to be done when there's no chance of them overhearing - so by text in the evenings at home, rather than by phone.

Sometimeswinning · 21/04/2024 08:33

I think your point should be more about ex arguing with you in your home ( I’m assuming this) Your’re now going to get a load of posters saying the same thing over because they love a pile on.

The age is important. A 5 year old innocently telling her dad compared to a 14 year old. You have every right to vent to your mum about him and he just had to roll his eyes and not come in guns blazing.

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 21/04/2024 08:44

I think you're having a hard time here OP. We are only human and you have been venting to your mum and your child overheard, so what. You've done the right thing in not allowing him into your home, keep those boundaries and just try not to vent with kids in ear shot again.

To all the posters saying you should never ever say anything bad about their fathers, I don't agree. My kids saw how awful my ex was to me, they saw him screaming at me and them, so when they asked why he left, I said he wasn't very nice to me and them and I wouldn't put up with anyone treating me or them like that. He still shouts at them and I make sure they know it isn't acceptable still. They love him but they know his behaviour is unacceptable.

ChefsKisser · 21/04/2024 08:46

Yeah don’t slag off the dad in front of them that’s awful.

Isthisreasonable · 21/04/2024 08:47

Don't vent about him to other people when they are in earshot. Don't initiate a conversation about their dad's failings with your dc but be honest but factual with them if they ask you questions. They deserve to have at least one parent they can rely on for factual information. If their dad is fabricating events/rewriting history they will come to realise it.

UghFletcher · 21/04/2024 09:02

My parents got divorced when I was late 30s, had to tell my mum not to shit talk about my dad in front of my siblings and the grandkids. They were the ones that divorced. He is still our dad / their grandad and our relationship is different to theirs.

Never put the kids in the position of hearing you put their parent down. It's poor form from you.