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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - city break with kids

57 replies

citybreakaway · 20/04/2024 09:01

We took the kids away for a city break over Easter. DH is still mad at me over a few things. I don't think IABU here but would be good to know if others agree with DH and I am wrong.

  • Kids had breakfast at airbnb in the morning around 8am. At 9am we were out in the city. I went into a coffee shop to grab coffee for me and DH. Came out of the shop to DH (who was on the phone) and he was upset that I didn't buy DC a doughnut or sausage roll in the shop. Said it was terrible that I bought coffee and nothing for DC. He then tried to take DC into shop to buy them something and DC said no because they didn't want anything!
  • I planned an itinerary for the few days based on what everyone wanted to do. I asked them in advance what they would like to see/do, booked and paid for things and worked out the best way to fit everything in. Kids and DH picked (some expensive and some free) attractions that they wanted to see and I made sure we got to see/do everything. There was one attraction I really wanted to see. We got there, everyone was amazed.

There was a 30 minute 'show' there that I wanted to see. DH went on the phone (again) and DC started playing up, I went down to youngest DC (age 4) level and said 'please be good. This is the one thing I wanted to see here, we are also doing the things you want to do, please don't ruin this for me'. DH hates me for this, keeps bringing it up and saying I am selfish and make everything about me.

  • Older DC (age 10) farted in a small Tesco Express and I told him that was rude and he should not have let one off inside a small shop where people were buying food.
  • Getting dinner one night, I accidentally put the wrong card into a machine and the reader said 'declined'. Over my shoulder, 10 year old read out 'DECLINED' really loudly for everyone in the shop to hear. I told DS that he should not have done this.
  • Younger DS wanted to get some felt tip pens in a shop. I said no as he didn't need them in this foreign city where he had nothing to colour in anyway. DH bought them for him.

So weeks later, DH is still angry at me for all of the above, calling me selfish all the time and saying I make everything about me.
DC have no issue with me. I always talk everything through with them and make sure that when they go to bed at night they are happy, know I am not cross at them for any reason - they aren't upset or scarred by these things.

Please tell me, am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 20/04/2024 10:05

Your husband is an arse and is literally waiting for things to happen which he can use to punish you. All of what you describe is totally normal family holiday friction and the idea that weeks later he is still punishing you with these things is absurdly childish and punitive.

I would honestly plan to leave when you are in a position to do so. He is vindictive, spiteful and lazy and it doesn’t get better with blokes like him.

EverybodyLTB · 20/04/2024 10:05

Your husband sounds like a miserable pig. I would lay money on him being unpleasant in loads or other ways aside from this city break. My EXH was awful on holidays, and one of the precursors to divorce was me stopping going away with him. I started taking the kids on holidays and city breaks myself and, lo and behold, realised it was a husband issue.

Longma · 20/04/2024 17:34

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 20/04/2024 09:34

Kids and city breaks is a no from me. But your DH sounds like an arse.

City breaks can be great for children. Dd always enjoyed them. Not all children like the beach 🤷

Original poster
citybreakaway · 21/04/2024 08:32

Thanks for the feedback. DC are loved and they know this. I do want them to be mannerly though and not spoilt.

For the record, 10yo has asd and is socially and emotionally behind. He doesn't pick up on social norms unless they are explained to him.

With 4 yo and not letting him have the felt tips, DC are very fortunate and get a lot but I don't let them have every single thing they want. It's not about the cost but about teaching them to be grateful for the things they do get. I did buy DS a lot of other things he wanted across the trip.

OP posts:
Didimum · 21/04/2024 08:53

This isn’t really about the city break, the Tesco or whatever the ‘transgressions’ were. Your DH is clearly spoiling for a fight of whatever kind he can find. He sounds miserable - with you, the marriage, with himself, who knows. But happy people don’t behave like this.

Didimum · 21/04/2024 08:55

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 10:04

your 4 year old asks for pens and the reasons you say no is:

  1. they don’t need in a foreign country. Why not because in a foreign country?
  2. nothing to colour in. a 1 euro pad of plain paper?

Buying your 4yr old anything they might ask for when you go shopping, irrespective of price, is terrible parenting.

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 08:56

citybreakaway · 21/04/2024 08:32

Thanks for the feedback. DC are loved and they know this. I do want them to be mannerly though and not spoilt.

For the record, 10yo has asd and is socially and emotionally behind. He doesn't pick up on social norms unless they are explained to him.

With 4 yo and not letting him have the felt tips, DC are very fortunate and get a lot but I don't let them have every single thing they want. It's not about the cost but about teaching them to be grateful for the things they do get. I did buy DS a lot of other things he wanted across the trip.

For the record, 10yo has asd and is socially and emotionally behind. He doesn't pick up on social norms unless they are explained to him.

So why did you raise this as an issue in your OP?

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 08:57

Didimum · 21/04/2024 08:55

Buying your 4yr old anything they might ask for when you go shopping, irrespective of price, is terrible parenting.

Show quote history

but it wasn’t cost that was the reason behind saying no!

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 21/04/2024 08:59

I have taught my children to fart near the perfume counters of department stores. It's the perfect crime.

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 08:59

Didimum · 21/04/2024 08:53

This isn’t really about the city break, the Tesco or whatever the ‘transgressions’ were. Your DH is clearly spoiling for a fight of whatever kind he can find. He sounds miserable - with you, the marriage, with himself, who knows. But happy people don’t behave like this.

exactly

The marriage sounds rotten. Weeks later he’s angry and stewing

Mairzydotes · 21/04/2024 09:01

It's your holiday too, so there is no problem you wanting to do something that you will enjoy, even if others won't.

It sounds like your dh is the problem in these scenarios. He seems to undetmine you. A couple of the things your dc did , I wouldn't have made such an issue of, perhaps just reminded them of manners in public.

beAsensible1 · 21/04/2024 09:03

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 08:57

but it wasn’t cost that was the reason behind saying no!

Show quote history

But he didn’t need more pens and DH didn’t get him anything to write in anyway

he just bought them to go against OP clearly

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 09:06

beAsensible1 · 21/04/2024 09:03

But he didn’t need more pens and DH didn’t get him anything to write in anyway

he just bought them to go against OP clearly

Show quote history

oh he’s a sinister twat no doubt about that

Didimum · 21/04/2024 09:15

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 08:57

but it wasn’t cost that was the reason behind saying no!

Show quote history

I didn’t say the cost was her reason. My statement was my opinion on buying 4yr olds whatever they ask for in shops, regardless of cost.

May I ask why you think the pens are a crucial part of OP’s issue?

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 09:19

Didimum · 21/04/2024 09:15

I didn’t say the cost was her reason. My statement was my opinion on buying 4yr olds whatever they ask for in shops, regardless of cost.

May I ask why you think the pens are a crucial part of OP’s issue?

Show quote history

from a 4 year old’s perspective… what does “being in a foreign country” have to do with his request for pens?

i would have said if i had not wanted to buy them (although a nice thing for 4 year old to do when get back to accommodation after long day walking) “no, you’ve got loads back at home”

my point was odd to refer to “being in a foreign country” as a reason for no.

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 09:21

the entire holiday sounds shite imo

Due to the DH (and perhaps a little uptight OP?)

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 09:21

mind you i’d be uptight married to someone like this

and depressed
and angry
and sad

Garlicked · 21/04/2024 09:23

All these posts about what not to buy for a kid on holiday and how often to educate their manners are so far beyond the point, they're on holiday in a different country!

OP, you've done absolutely nothing wrong and your husband is a weird, miserable, controlling git. I very much hope this post marks the beginning of the end of your marriage, before he manages to completely fuck you up and starts on the children.

GauntJudy · 21/04/2024 09:28

He is reaching for things to whinge about. I wonder why? Does he want a big raging argument so he can let off some steam? Tell him to take up jogging or something.

Didimum · 21/04/2024 09:40

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 09:19

from a 4 year old’s perspective… what does “being in a foreign country” have to do with his request for pens?

i would have said if i had not wanted to buy them (although a nice thing for 4 year old to do when get back to accommodation after long day walking) “no, you’ve got loads back at home”

my point was odd to refer to “being in a foreign country” as a reason for no.

Show quote history

OP didn’t say she said used that reasoning to her 4yr old – she simply told us that’s why she didn’t want to buy the pens. It’s perfectly valid to not want to buy tat you don’t need when you’re on a short city break. It’s perfectly valid to teach your children that they don’t get everything they might ask for in a supermarket. It’s perfectly valid to expect her DH not to undermine her parenting to their 4yr old.

Top tip for comprehending the overarching issue in OP’s post: move past your minute focus on the pens.

Original poster
citybreakaway · 21/04/2024 09:51

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 08:56

For the record, 10yo has asd and is socially and emotionally behind. He doesn't pick up on social norms unless they are explained to him.

So why did you raise this as an issue in your OP?

Show quote history

You seem to have completely taken my posts up wrong. You've said in earlier posts that it doesn't sound like I love or even like my DC based on 4 small examples of 30 second exchanges between me and DC across a period of 4 days.

Now you're misinterpreting further posts and taking them out of context and I don't even know how to answer this but will still try because it bothers me that you think I don't love my DC. Dh thinks I'm horrible for explaining social norms to 10yo. You think I don't like or love 10yo because I explain social norms to him. I was asking in my OP if what I did was really that horrible because DH keeps telling me it is. In my later post I then explained the reason that DS needs help with social norms because you think I don't love him.

OP posts:
skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 09:52

i will bow out

sounds like a thoroughly unenjoyable break

followed by a horrible few weeks of an angry DH

and a fundamentally unhappy marriage

Didimum · 21/04/2024 09:57

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 09:52

i will bow out

sounds like a thoroughly unenjoyable break

followed by a horrible few weeks of an angry DH

and a fundamentally unhappy marriage

And now compounded by a bizarrely pedantic poster who seemingly gains pleasure from gaslighting her. Good work.

Dweetfidilove · 21/04/2024 09:59

Your husband sounds a vindictive ass, who probably doesn’t like you very much. I can’t imagine holding onto such pettiness for weeks after a trip.

If you still like and want to be with him, maybe holiday without him.
He sounds utterly unpleasant ☹️.

Hoppinggreen · 21/04/2024 10:09

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 09:54

You don’t sound like you like let alone love your family very much Op. in particular your 10 year old son

Absolutely ridiculous
Kids can be very annoying and Op did nothing wrong at all

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