Not to visit family member who wants to meet DP before we stay with them?

[naverly]

Their choice I understand that. But the back story is...

I see my half sister a couple of times a year. We didn't grow up in the same house but saw each other every few months. She's 20 years older than me. So she's a lot more like an aunt.

She lives in Dublin. We grew up in Glasgow. I live in Essex.

Sister always says how lovely it would be if me and DP would fly out and visit her in Dublin. I have been a few times on my own.

They have never met DP (we've been together 4 years) because they are never in Essex and somehow when they visit Glasgow and see family at the same time as me, DP isn't able to make it or is overseas with work. I mainly see sister in Glasgow when she visits our dad.

Anyway, she keeps saying how great it would be for us to visit. So I've asked four times when can we come and kept getting brushed off. But she kept making comments like "oh it would be great if you'd come stay" "you're both welcome whenever". And now my dad has told me, the reason she hasn't replied with plans is because she doesn't want DP to go and stay at their house without ever having met him!

AIBU to think fuck it and not bother going at all? I'll still see her in Glasgow anyway and I don't have the money to fork out for a Dublin hotel.

This is tough but I understand where she’s coming from. Yes you and your dp have been together for 4 years and he’s met your family but he is still a stranger to her.
It’s her choice who stays in her home and she’s not comfortable having him there until she meets him firsts so either you go to Dublin together and he stays in a hotel for a night or you wait until you can all meet in Glasgow and arrange that meet up first- at a time that suits you all.

Whether she's being unreasonable or not (hard to say without knowing her), I think you're perfectly reasonable to think 'fuck it' and not plan a trip to Dublin.
You've been brushed off four times - don't ask again; just let things lie.

It’s her choice who stays in her home and she’s not comfortable having him there until she meets him firsts so either you go to Dublin together and he stays in a hotel for a night

It would be incredibly weird and spectacularly rude to expect the DP to stay in a hotel for a night until he passes some sort of test!

If she doesn't want him in her home then just don't bother going, OP.

I can see her point of view, so I'd just let it go. It's a shame you and she haven't talked more openly about it.

I wouldn't really like an overnight visit from a stranger, because home is home.

YANBU - presumably the purpose of you both making the effort to visit her in Dublin is that she can get to know him?!

Her house, her rules etc etc but I wouldn’t bother mentioning it again.

YANBU it's rude, I wouldn't bother visiting.

Especially as she keeps being so disingenuous by saying it would be lovely etc.

maybe she had an incident with an unknown man staying at her house when younger?

I think the best way forward would be a couple of Skype calls with the three of you.

Why keep inviting them though?

It’s been 4 years. It’s quite odd you and your dp haven’t made any effort to visit, especially when she was nearby.

I would always expect to book a hotel, not to bring someone new to someone’s home. She really shouldn’t even need to declare that.

Ok I know Mumsnet is a bit odd sometimes but this is bonkers to me. I live abroad and we've had loads of people we didn't know staying. How else would we get to know them?
Friends of friends, the kids friends, the kids friends parents. Youngsters and older people from HelpX and WorkAway.
However DH and I both come from big families so when we got married (after 3 years) to keep the numbers down we only invited people we'd both met. So your sister would not have been invited!

YANBU. It’s weird and rude. And she should just have told you rather than making the lovely visit noises.

Yeah, she’s bonkers. How to make someone feel welcome 😆

Fair enough if she feels like that, it wouldn't be how I'd feel and I don't think it's common, but still, it's up to her.

But why not just say that, rather than repeatedly saying "it would be great if you'd both come over to visit" and then just not following up.

If she feels like that she shouldn’t be inviting you which is absolutely fair enough

fuck her off why keep inviting someone when you’ve no intention of letting them stay

Very weird, but her choice.

Why don't you give her a specific date to come and stay with you instead?

It is weird. What is exactly is she worried about, when he has been your partner for 4 years? Would she come and stay with you?

I wouldn't want someone I'd never met staying in my home either 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd possibly make an exception for my children because we're close, I know them well and know exactly the sort of person they'd each partner up with but any other family member and particularly one I wasn't close to? No.

Fair enough but would you keep inviting them & then not committing?? That's the weird part to.me, if she doesn't want him to stay fair enough but stop inviting them!

Invite her to come and stay with you in Essex first so she can meet your DP!

Could you book a city break in a hotel for the two of you and meet up with her for lunch one of the days? Dublin is lovely, so two birds- one stone?

OP can't afford a hotel, it's in the OP.

It sounds like she was saying “it would be lovely if” because she thought it polite rather than as a genuine offer. If so that was a bit silly given you visit her/are not a random acquaintance and there was every chance the offer would be taken up.

I would just not go tbh or do as pp suggested and get her to visit you instead.

No, I wouldn't. Fair point.

Sounds more like a 'we must do lunch' rather than a genuine invitation then.

@Noyesnoyes oops. I wasn't sufficiently caffeinated this morning... 😁