Not to visit family member who wants to meet DP before we stay with them?

[naverly]

Their choice I understand that. But the back story is...

I see my half sister a couple of times a year. We didn't grow up in the same house but saw each other every few months. She's 20 years older than me. So she's a lot more like an aunt.

She lives in Dublin. We grew up in Glasgow. I live in Essex.

Sister always says how lovely it would be if me and DP would fly out and visit her in Dublin. I have been a few times on my own.

They have never met DP (we've been together 4 years) because they are never in Essex and somehow when they visit Glasgow and see family at the same time as me, DP isn't able to make it or is overseas with work. I mainly see sister in Glasgow when she visits our dad.

Anyway, she keeps saying how great it would be for us to visit. So I've asked four times when can we come and kept getting brushed off. But she kept making comments like "oh it would be great if you'd come stay" "you're both welcome whenever". And now my dad has told me, the reason she hasn't replied with plans is because she doesn't want DP to go and stay at their house without ever having met him!

AIBU to think fuck it and not bother going at all? I'll still see her in Glasgow anyway and I don't have the money to fork out for a Dublin hotel.

She sounds like a Mumsnetter......

On the one hand yes it’s fair enough not wanting a stranger to stay in your house but then stop saying ‘come and visit me’ ‘come and stay’ ‘you’re welcome anytime’ when that blatantly isn’t the case.

Tbh the next time she said something like that I’d reply ‘yeah but I can’t come any time can I? Because when I’ve tried to arrange to come you actually don’t want us there because you’ve not met Steve, so please stop inviting us until you actually want us to come’

”Bonkers”? I’ve got PTSD after being attacked and raped by a stranger. Now I won’t have strangers in the house if I’m on my own (workmen/meter readers etc) during the day and I definitely would find it extremely anxiety-inducing to have a strange man in my house overnight, even with other people here. That might be ‘bonkers’ to someone who has the privilege of never having gone through what I have. Hopefully a more empathetic person would understand.

OP, I think he needs to make more of an effort to meet her next time she’s over here. I’m sure she’ll be fine once she’s got to know him. Whatever her reasons are, I’m sure it’s not just her being unwelcoming.

@Menomeno would you invite a man you didn't know to stay like the OPs sister does?

Because that's what's bonkers and why OP is annoyed, if I was the BF I wouldn't bother with someone so disingenuous!

Have you invite you sister and her partner/famliy to your place .

Being honest, I probably would. When you’ve got extreme anxiety it’s very easy to get caught up in a moment in wanting to appear ‘normal’. So sometimes you might commit to things that once you’ve taken a step back and aren’t under the spotlight, you may realise that what you’ve agreed to do is outside your limits. I do this all the time!

As much as you desperately want to be able to do that thing, you just can’t.

If both sides made an effort to facilitate a meeting first, it wouldn’t be an issue.

So she meets him and doesn't like him and....you are barred from saying with her as a couple permanently and all the bad feeling that ensues.
Her perogative, but opening a can of worms.

It wouldn't really he as dramatic as 'barring' though, would it? They just wouldn't be invited to stay.

@Menomeno well if you commit to stuff you are giving people the wrong impression, so sorry you need to work on that.

I'd be pissed Iif and think OPs sister was bonkers if she reportedly invited me, then behind my back was saying she didn't want to do it.

It comes across as two faced and frankly very unkind.

Repeadtedly

I wouldn’t do it repeatedly because I’d make the effort to get to know the partner so I wouldn’t feel scared of them.

I suppose it’s like when you reconnect with an old friend online and say “We’ll have to meet up!”. In that moment it seems like a lovely idea, but after a couple of “Yeah, we’ll arrange something”s from them you realise it’s not going to happen.

She doesn’t want your DP there because she hasn’t met him. The obvious solution is she makes the effort to come and meet him and THEN invites you both. It’s going to be awkward if he doesn’t pass the test now she’s been so obvious about it all. Your Dad can solve this by inviting you all to a meal at some point. Put the ball back in his court.

That’s odd to me.

Presumably at some point she’ll meet him at a family get together, so you can go visit her after that. Of course don’t go for now if you don’t want to spring for a hotel

How about one of the times your DP can’t come to Glasgow you go to hers?

but I don’t really see why if she never comes to yours you should be the one always travelling.

People ain’t got time for that.

I do get that severe anxiety must be crippling (if indeed that’s what the aunt has) but if she’s saying one thing to their faces and another to the OP’s dad that is very convoluted and, with kindness, it’s impossible to expect other people to read her mind. A visit will just have to wait till they all meet at some family do.

Thinking about how this could look from the sister's point of view (I don't know the sister, nor have I seen anything like this on MN)

I really value my relationship with my younger sister. She's 20 years younger so it's more of an aunty relationship. We often meet up with our dad in glasgow. Shes also good enough to come and visit me at home in Dublin.

I feel bad for not visiting them in Essex but it's a long way to go and I can't afford a hotel.
Another thing is I've never met her DP. I find this really strange. Apparently he's always busy when we're all meeting up in Glasgow and it seems he's never been interested in visiting in Dublin. As times gone on I've found it a bit odd. Now she wants to visit me and the two of them stay with me. I don't know why the sudden interest. I've made the usual pleasant noises but I'm just really uncomfortable seeing as I don't know him at all, have never spoken to him or a video call, anything. He'll be in my house for several days, as I live on my own I'd find it overwhelming to have two people staying here, especially one I don't really know. (Other than he has always been "too busy" to meet with me and the rest of the family on more neutral ground)

AIBU to suggest they stay in a hotel rather than potentially risk an awkward and uncomfortable holiday for them? I appreciate it's a long way for them to travel

@Menomeno but what you're describing is not happening here, the aunt is being called bonkers for a very valid reason! Repeated invites, then giving another story behind the OPs back! So disingenuous.