Am I asking too much in early stages of relationship?

[Matissevangogh]

Dating a new guy - it’s only been a couple of months. He has been single for a while and has built himself a very rich and full life of hobbies and friends to occupy himself otherwise, I suppose. He’s very extroverted and really throws himself into whatever he gives his time and attention to - he has multiple sporting hobbies, he dedicates a lot of time and attention to his job, and has a huge network of friends and acquaintances that he regularly meets for coffees, dinners, drinks etc. He’s currently learning a language and is also on a training course to volunteer for a charity. If a colleague at work is upset or needs help, he’ll take hours out of his day to assist or support. He also has issues sleeping, so needs more sleep than I do. He also usually goes to bed fairly early (but also wakes up much earlier than I do - I’m a night owl whilst he’s a lark).

Here’s my issue - his life is so rich and full that I don’t really feel like my needs regarding attention, texts/calls and time spent together are not being met. From the minute he wakes up, he’s go go go. He doesn’t check his phone at work very much, and if he does it will only be for a couple of minutes, so his texts during the day are fleeting and short. I am fairly understanding about this. However, after work (he leaves at 6/7pm), he’ll usually be off doing some activity or meeting some friend and again, I don’t really get any satisfactory responses to my texts (in fact I feel like he doesn’t read them properly and just skims through them half the time). When we speak on the phone, it’s usually as he’s walking to/from one destination to another (eg from work to an activity; from a hobby to home); or if he is at home, I can tell I’m on speakerphone whilst he cooks/brushes his teeth/showers. I just never feel like he has time for me to give me the kind of depth of attention and time that I want to feel secure in the relationship. I continuously question how interested he is in me as a result.

When we see each other in person, he does dedicate his full time and attention to me, and I don’t question whether he’s interested in me. I feel like his main priority. However, our opportunities for seeing each other in person are also limited. He asked very early on that we avoid meeting on weeknights because our sleeping habits are so misaligned that I would deprive him of sleep and he’d be exhausted for the rest of the week. This is not untrue, but I can cope with the lack of sleep - he can’t. So I feel like I have been relegated to just seeing him on weekends, but this feels unsustainable, as if either one of us has to miss a weekend due to other plans, we go weeks without seeing each other.

Is this a compatibility issue, or am I being unreasonable in my requests for time and attention, in the sense of expecting somebody to give up or deprioritise other activities and things to make a significant amount of time for me?

he is happy and content with his life as it is, he is happy he has a girlfriend he sees most weekends - it's only been a couple of months.

you appear to want / need a lot more attention re texts / phone calls / dating thru the week

you admit he gives you 100% attention when he is with you.

you need to decide if you can cope with the level of attention you get when you are not with him.

if you can't, and I don't think you can, as you expect more response to your texts and are not happy with his sleep needs / requirements then move on and find someone who has more availability.

I think expecting someone to give up something important to them is almost always unreasonable. However wanting sufficient time (which will be different for different people) isn't unreasonable.

You just aren't compatible. You need someone with more time available for you. He needs someone with a similar sleeping pattern to him.

Also just to clarify - I have never asked him to make time for me or give up things for me, and haven’t yet complained to him about feeling like we have different expectations around how much time we spend together and how much we communicate when we’re not together.

If he invites me to spend time with him, I willingly give up my own pre-arranged plans to make the time to accompany him - and I don’t feel like he does the same in return, which I guess is why I’m left questioning his interest.

I have offered to accompany him to his various sporting matches or partake in other activities/hobbies that he participates in as a way of spending time with him, even though they’re not really my thing. But I don’t feel like he offers to do the same for me. I love going to galleries and museums - which he also claims to love, and was one of the things we initially bonded over - but he never really offers to do these things with me, or seemingly has an excuse to hand if I invite him along to an exhibition I want to go to.

I’d much prefer to bond by conversation than an activity - I’d much rather have a quiet evening in cooking a nice meal, chatting over a glass of wine.. but he sees this downtime as an opportunity to sleep or watch a film (in which we don’t talk).

Try adding more activities in your life to gain a different perspective.

If not, don't resent him for not being someone you want him to be.

You're not being unreasonable. He sounds content with a single lifestyle and you'd like more. There are men out there who can give you that!

I think you’re being unreasonable about the texting and phone calls. It’s OK not to be in contact every day and there’s certainly no need to be in contact multiple times a day.

Not seeing you on weekday evenings could be an issue in the future, though. It’s early days, but you don’t want to be 6 months or a year into a relationship and sometimes go for weeks without seeing each other because he doesn’t want to give anything up to spend time with you.

I’d give it another couple of months and see whether he starts prioritising you more.

I don’t resent him - I admire that he’s got so much going on! I am just trying to work out where and how I fit in to his life, and whether I should be making more of an effort to reduce my expectations around his time/make peace with the limited interactions we have outside of seeing each other once a week.

I don't think you should be ditching your pre-arranged plans for him. I get you want to make the most of his limited free time but that sets an unhealthy dynamic.

As others have said, it seems you just aren't compatible and that doesn't reflect badly on either of you. It's unlikely his lifestyle will change in future (if anything sounds like it will get busier?) so I would say try and have a conversation with him about whether he's looking for the same level of commitment as you and whether he genuinely belives he does/could make time for that. If not, best to end things now.

I dated someone like this. He only had time to chat on the phone Mon thru Thurs after 10pm cause he was out doing his hobbies/socializing etc. We only saw each other Saturday evening til Sunday noon, cause he had his hobby/spirt he wanted to do.

we never spent down time together, on a rare occasion he’d watch a movie but I could tell he’d rather be out and about on the go.

I always felt like he was just fitting me in on Saturdays cause he wanted a “date “ with him for dinner/evening activities. And I had a full busy life as well but I was willing to sacrifice things to be with him but he wasn’t willing to do the same.

Neither of us were wrong , we were just not compatible.

I’d stop prioritising him so much - don’t go to his games. By all means keep inviting him to things, but if he doesn’t go, this means he will see you less. And there’s your answer. If you’re only seeing each other once a fortnight two months from now I’d just say you don’t seem to have time for a girlfriend, I think we’d better call it a day.

I voted YABU because it’s only been a couple of months and you seem to want different things.

You aren’t unreasonable in what you want, but you would be unreasonable to think he will change.

YABU about the texts, messages, and phone calls.

As demonstrated when he is with you, he is clearly person who focuses on the person (or activity) he is giving his attention to. I'd consider that to be a real plus point.

I'd also consider it a plus point to have lots of interest and friends.

It sounds like you aren't compatible.

I have to agree with @commonsense12 . He isn't the person you want him to be. That's on you. You need to date someone you who is the person you want them to be.

'If he invites me to spend time with him, I willingly give up my own pre-arranged plans to make the time to accompany him.'

Why on earth would you do this? What if it doesn't work out with him? Will the friends you ditched for a new guy still be around?

He sounds like he has a great life and you are an added bonus not the be all and end all - exactly how I am now approaching dating now I'm older.

I’d just like to be clear that I’m not trying to change him or expect him to change. None of my messages have asked for advice on asking him to change. All of my messages so far have been around trying to understand if my own mindset, expectations and behaviour are unreasonable, and if so, better understanding how and why, and changing my frame of mind so that I can reduce my own expectations and slot into his lifestyle more easily and peacefully.

@Theorangejuice - I guess I give up my plans because if I don’t, I’ll spend even less time with him than we already spend together. This time is not made up for in phone calls or other forms of communication, so I just won’t see him or speak to him otherwise.

I suppose the problem is that if I took that same approach to dating, and prioritised my own plans at times when he was available, we’d barely see each other at all.

Are you ' dating ' or in a relationship ? Is it exclusive ?

as you have used both terms in your posts, and it's only been a couple of months.

I think you are needing / wanting / expecting too much - texts / phone calls
and as it is still very early days you should not be cancelling plans just to see him.

How often have you actually met ? as you say it's been a couple of months.

and, how old are you both ?

All of my messages so far have been around trying to understand if my own mindset, expectations and behaviour are unreasonable

But neither of you are being unreasonable in your expectations, you are just different from one another.

and if so, better understanding how and why, and changing my frame of mind so that I can reduce my own expectations and slot into his lifestyle more easily and peacefully.

Don't change what you want, or pretend that your needs / wants are different from what they are to 'fit into his lifestyle' as that is a one way road to resentment.
A good relationship happens when you are compatible and have similar mindsets, similar hopes and dreams. There will always be some compromises in any relationship, but if things aren't right this early on, then it is probably because you aren't right for each other.

It sounds like the two of you are probably incompatible. Your needs are different. You want more attention and just more of him generally than he can give because he keeps himself so busy and it’s impacting on how you feel. Friend zone …?

And agree with @NewName24 , don’t twist yourself to fit into his life (I doubt you could anyway) but you shouldn’t try because you need to be yourself in life. Don’t change who you are to fit in with other people, particularly love interests or crushes.

You are totally overthinking this and trying to work out a solution when there really isn't a problem. You're not suited for each other, and that's not a problem, it's just a fact. His lifestyle simply doesn't mesh with yours, so don't bother trying to change him or fix something that doesn't need fixing. Time to move on.

If he invites me to spend time with him, I willingly give up my own pre-arranged plans to make the time to accompany him - and I don’t feel like he does the same in return, which I guess is why I’m left questioning his interest.

Don't. When I started dating, I made a rule for myself that I wouldn't give up existing friends or activities for a date, and I've not regretted that rule at all. I might give it up for special one-offs, like going to a particular concert (buy I'd fo that just for myself anyway.) But otherwise not. Those people and activities have all been still there when the men haven't lasted, but if you give up everything for a new relationship which effectively goes no where, then you lose everything. (And people who give up everything else when there's a new relationship are annoying.)

He's not doing the same in return. I like someone with varied interests, but if he has so few free timeslots for you, it's probably not going to go anywhere. If he was really keen, he'd probably shuffle some of the other things round. If someone doesn't see you as worth spending time with enough that they won't make time, they're not worth you spending time with them. And because he's not moving things round for you is why you shouldn't be cancelling things for him.

Sounds like a bloody nightmare. Doesn't seem like he is comfortable in his own head.

1. Don't change your plans to suit his. That's a mistake.
2. He doesn't have the headspace for a relationship.
3. I couldn't see a future with someone who is so busy with everyone and everything.

What is your end goal for a serious relationship? Are you looking for someone to settle down with and have children? Are you older or planning to be childfree and perhaps looking for someone who would make a great travel partner?

whatever it is, imagine he is exactly as he is now. Always on the go. A quiet night in on a Tuesday making dinner together not something he wants to prioritize. Will you be happy pursuing your life goals with him still off engaging in his busy life?

it’s really not about if he is making enough time for you now. You are getting a good picture of how he really wants to live his life. If it doesn’t fit into your life plan, don’t try to force it. People do mellow and adjust a bit as they enter serious relationships, but it’s not that dramatic.

I think you want different things from a relationship. This is the best it's going to be, this is when he is showing you his best self. If that's not enough then move on and find someone with a different outlook on life. I don't think he is going to make you happy.

My boyfriend is kind of like that. Plus we both have kids. It was frustrating at first, and like you I would prioritize him and cancel on my friends for him. I also switched my custody weekend to align with his, but then I wasn't aligned with my girlfriend and doing weekend girls trips became much more difficult! so you can imagine how frustrating it was when he'd make other plans on the weekend.

What I did is that I asked him if he would like to see me on the weekends, otherwise I will make my own plans like I did before we met. When he said he did, I said then if one of us has other commitments on a weekend (like a sporting event for him, or something extra with his kids or a trip with my girlfriends that I don't want to miss), we'll tell each other in advance so the other one can make other plans.

We have also put dates on the calendar for the next few months for weekend plans and trips we want to take together. These are a priority over everything else and give me something to look forward to and a time where we can focus on each other. The difference is that my boyfriend will usually say yes if I plan something in advance for a day where he doesn't have other commitments. Even if it's not his thing, he'll go for me.

We still try to see each other during the week, even if it's just for a takeaway and to watch tv. We live very close to each other so that makes things easier. Can you for example schedule a lunch every week? Or a morning run or going to the gym... I think guys are used to bonding over activities than just talking so that might make things easier for him.