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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it normal to have one kid each?

77 replies

Pinkwithwhite · 18/04/2024 22:36

So DH and I have DD and a DS. Our house is totally split team girls, team boys.
Is this normal?
If we have a disagreement my DD is straight to my defence and my DS to his dad.
I have girls night outs with friends and my daughter loves the idea of this.
My DH plays football and pub 2x week so again with the lads.

Maybe I'm overthinking it, is it normal?

YANBU- Its normal, they will grow out of it

YABU- it's not healthy/ normal you need to do something about it.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 19/04/2024 07:39

I think you both need to spend some one on one time with the other kid.

ErrolTheDragon · 19/04/2024 07:50

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 19/04/2024 07:39

I think you both need to spend some one on one time with the other kid.

Yes, and obviously also time together as a family, and each parent with both kids.

jobsjkfo · 19/04/2024 07:55

Don't you want a relationship with your son?

DelurkingAJ · 19/04/2024 08:00

DS1 talks about families he knows where this happens (he’s 11) and his comment was that the girls involved often wanted to do stuff that the boys got to do but felt they couldn’t. I’m sure that’s not always the case but equally I’m sure those girls parents are unaware. He also commented that the Dads in question don’t do anything for the family at the weekend (DH is big on describing chores that way). I’d be horrified if my male friends didn’t try to take their daughters to everything they did. I used to go down the pun with my DDad lots.

RedMark · 19/04/2024 09:51

This would've upset me as a child if I'd grown up in your house...I played football all the time, played for a team. Think it's a bit daft to have "one child each". I have two boys and I see us a a family unit, not split in two groups.

Workawayxx · 19/04/2024 09:55

It's not uncommon but I think it could benefit your family and your DC to work on strengthening the relationships between mum and son and dad and daughter. Also emphasising that boys and girls can both do all sorts of things. I've always let DS (now 12) know there's no "boy box" and "girls box" of choices, colours, hobbies etc.

I'm really close with my DS and we do things we both enjoy - cinema, shopping, certain shows on Netflix (admittedly some of them aren't my first choice!), cooking and food (both love sushi and making brownies). As he has got older and is more into sports we're reaching a bit more for common ground but I think it's important to keep looking for it.

Funfuninthesunsun · 19/04/2024 09:56

This sounds like my in laws. They've done this for years and now the children are teens it's really awful to see how little of a relationship they have with the other parent. They have nothing in common because that's how it's been engineered.

Mine are younger but we go with whatever combo of parent/child is needed for an activity and DH and I take it in turns to go to to classes, parties etc.

IfIwasrude · 19/04/2024 09:59

My son is very close to me and my daughter is very close to her dad. We both make an effort to support the children's relationships with n both of us.

BoohooWoohoo · 19/04/2024 10:04

I think that it’s not unusual for the males in the house to go to a football match while the women go for lunch and shopping. Sounds very 1950s but hopefully you both make an effort with the “other” child eg dad cooking with the dd, mum playing computer game with the ds (I’m using examples that many girls/boys may enjoy)

The arguments thing isn’t normal. The kids have occasionally stuck up for each other when told off but they’ve not really been in the same room during an argument.

Snoken · 19/04/2024 10:05

I don't think this is normal at all and if feels incredibly dated and sexist.

IncompleteSenten · 19/04/2024 10:09

It's not normal (or appropriate) for your children to become involved in your arguments or insert themselves to a point where they think they get a say and to pick sides, that's for sure.

WhiteLeopard · 19/04/2024 10:11

Definitely not like this in our household. I have got much more knowledgeable about football than I ever thought I'd be and DH has a lovely close relationship with DD.

BoohooWoohoo · 19/04/2024 10:18

PP made a good point. Don’t stop asking the “other” child to do stuff. Them rejecting an idea is better than being sexist and assuming that ds wouldn’t like X or dd wouldn’t like Y. It sounds like both parents need to work on their relationship with the “other” child and bond with them in a way that’s different to the other parent. Think about what would have happened if you had 2 the amended, wouldn’t your h tagged along to lunch and you learned about the players on their favourite footie team?

Bushmillsbabe · 19/04/2024 10:18

I think it can be quite normal for 1 child to feel a bit closer to 1 parents and 1 yo the other. But efforts need to be made to ensure that the children feel close to both parents, so they are fine if 1 parent goes away for work/with friends, and also as different parents bring different strengths. My girls tend to gravitate more towards their Dad for fun things and me when worried/upset (lucky me 😂) but although they have a preference, will quite happily talk to either of us.
I think its important that you have some 1 to 1 time with your son, and your daughter with her Dad,to rebuild those bonds.
The 'siding during arguments' was the most worrying bit for me - they should not be witnessing any significant disagreements where things get heated.

OpalCitrine3 · 19/04/2024 10:24

Not normal in our house. I spend equal time with both my kids. We don't do much sport or shopping because we aren't really into that, although occasionally we will make a day out of going shopping with my sisters and have a nice lunch but DS comes too. We like hiking, videogames and arts/crafts as ways of spending time together mainly. I take them out individually too for 1 on 1 time, DH and I will take one child each but we switch up who takes who so we all get turns together.

I think it would be lovely for you and DH to spend more time with your "opposite" DC.

mondaytosunday · 19/04/2024 10:25

Yea sure. Though my husband died when kids were very young so I haven't experienced this but I've seen it in other families. And my daughter is more similar to me in a lot of ways and we enjoy the same things. Of course there are plenty of examples of the other way - girls more like their dads, but in general I see mums going away for a weekend with their daughters, and men going away with their sons. The females do things like go off to Paris (I took mine to Bath), dads take their sons camping or to see an away footie game. Sounds so stereotypical but it has been the case in every family I know.

KreedKafer · 19/04/2024 10:28

My house was never like this... and I was born in the 70s.

From the wording of your post, it just sounds as if your children have learnt this behaviour from you and your DH. If you socialise in single sex groups and talk in terms of 'girls nights' and 'lads nights' and so on, your children are going to pick up on that.

PheobeBebe · 19/04/2024 10:32

I wasn't sure which way to vote. I know what you are saying isn't uncommon, and if you are a happy household and it works for you all then crack on. But no it is not our normal and I'm thankful it's not. My daughter is a bit more mumsie and prefers when I take her to her sports etc but my husband definitely does his fair share and makes an effort to have their own relationship. My son is very split, he loves a day out with me (it's top of his Xmas list each year!) but also asks my husband to do things with him. We also spend a lot of time as a family of 4. Even the kids spend time together doing stuff without us parents. But with a daughter who plays rugby and a son who hates most sport, especially football, I don't think we suit typical gender norms.

Frogamore · 19/04/2024 10:33

I think this sounds awful. I think it’s important for children to have strong relationships with their Mum and Dad (if possible). I love spending time with my DS and with my DD, they both have a close relationship with DH. He coaches both of their sports teams. DH and DD are going on tour soon and I’m taking DS out for the day. We tend to split things equally between us. I think it’s strange to have such a divided house, sounds very old fashioned.

TTPD · 19/04/2024 10:36

Why are your children getting involved in your disagreements?

Iwantmyoldnameback · 19/04/2024 10:38

All sounds very old fashioned and dare I say it working class.

Betteroverhere · 19/04/2024 10:40

We do. It certainly isn’t my choice but my DS doesn’t really want to interact with me when DH is around so that naturally leaves me with the baby - who is a girl but obviously a baby. I hate it.

crumblingschools · 19/04/2024 10:44

@Betteroverhere can DH take baby so you have one to one time with DS?

Betteroverhere · 19/04/2024 10:45

In theory, but DS would refuse. He’s fine when DH isn’t around but then I obviously have the baby too.

jobsjkfo · 19/04/2024 10:45

@Betteroverhere it's just a phase I promise, this stage is so hard with a baby. When they're older be sure you do activities 1:1 with him, partake in his hobbies with him even if DH enjoys them more, if you want middle ground with your child and to build a relationship you need to build rapport. I see so many parents split dad does football, mum does dance, then they wonder why they're not as close to the other.

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