To ask parent to pay for a new phone

[stamberg]

DS has ASD and turned 14 a few months ago and he's been in a relationship with a boy (just turned 16) since November last year.

I wasn't very happy with this relationship due to the age gap (DS was 13 at the time) and also because this boy has behaviour problems, he attends a PRU and was a known bully at DS’s school. Because of this I've tried inviting him over for dinner to get to know him as I don't want DS to know I disapprove in case he feels he can't come to me with ant issues. From what I've seen of him I do suspect he may also have ASD, I'm not a professional but he seems to have a few traits.

DS came home this evening, his phone is smashed and won't turn on. At first he refused to tell me what happened and said he dropped it. He then admitted he met his boyfriend after school and he was in a bad mood, they went to a shop and boyfriend was short for something which made his mood much worse and he was ignoring DS, so DS got his phone out and asked him if he should ask me to put some money in his account. His boyfriend didn't say anything but he forcefully knocked his phone out of his hands and it smashed on the concrete.

DS said he shouted at his boyfriend and asked why he did it and he said boyfriend got upset, kept apologising and said he didn't know why he just had the urge to do it and couldn't stop himself. DS said he believes it was an accident and forgives him but he now doesn't have a phone.

I've dropped him home a few times so I know where he lives, but I haven't spoken to his mum although she has been in, I've never had a hello or a thank you for giving him a lift home.

WIBU to ask her to pay for a new phone?

"They aren't in a sexual relationship"

"He came home with a love bite" A LOVE BITE

I truly despair at you @stamberg

Me too. Not all sex is penetrative.

There's horny teenagers, then there's horny males. You get a horny male teenager of 16. And 14 they'll be having fun, believe me.

Only on MN is 16 a grown man 🙄

on a totally unrelated topic why would you give a 13 year old a smart phone? with no insurance?

i don't think its the other boys parents responsibility to pay for the damage to this phone. i think you will have to put your hand in your pocket and pay for it yourself.

i really would be more concerned about this relationship. your son is 13! he's just a child and is clearly in a relationship with an older child who appears to be voilitile

I'll concede not all of them...but let's not pretend that it's not most of them.

It doesn't matter if he did it because he was autistic and overwhelmed, it's still abusive to trash your DS's things...

Completely off topic of yours son's relationship (if you had a daughter whose boyfriend smashed her phone what would you be doing? Same applies here regardless) but please get some contents insurance for your belongings. The annual cost is so much lower for peace of mind than god forbid something happens to your house and you lose everything and can't replace any of it

Have you taken the phone to a repair shop to see if it can be repaired? It may just need a new screen, which is better than a whole new phone.
I doubt you will have any luck getting a new phone from the parents but you could try. I would make it clear to my son what I thought about the situation. Being autistic does not mean you can go around destroying other people's property just because you're upset.

I'd be using this as a reason to keep them apart. I know you want to keep DS on side but short term pain, long term gain and all that.

The phone is the least of your problems imo.

Your vulnerable 14yo has an abusive older boyfriend.

He needs safeguarding.

I have no advice on how to go about this. I suspect banning the relationship may make things worse.

I'd start by telling your son what is normal in a relationship and what is abuse. Ensure he has a safe space to tell you things.

Sorry OP, this sounds like a bad situation. I get you're erring on the side of caution, but autism makes your son vulnerable as hell. If he continues to see this boy, he's going to form a bad concept of what a relationship should really be like. He may also be taken advantage of.

Totally understand that you want the trust + communication to stay open, but I would suggest having a frank talk with your son about your worries, and what a healthy relationship looks like. Also, I'd suggest getting him involved with other people maybe through clubs - sports, Scouts, gaming, D&D? He needs "plan B" people so he can form other friendships and not just have this one, all-consuming relationship.

Btw, I get what meltdowns are because my own son is autistic, but I also EXPLICITLY teach what accountability looks like. My son (14 at the time) was goofing around and accidentally cracked a friend's phone screen. He took it to the nearest repair shop and paid for the screen out of his own money. That is accountability. Even if the other boy couldn't afford to pay the entire repair, a £5 payment per week is accountability, and the adults in his life are failing him by not teaching this. Wishing you good luck.

Yip. Depending on the post.

I have seen same posters posting about 17-18 year old still young and not accountable, depending on the post.

Do the other parents know their son is in a same-sex relationship with a younger boy?

This.
That relationship would have been over as soon as it started if that was my child.
You are his parent, not his mate.
Deal with it and forget the phone.

does it matter? the same sex bit i mean? obviously there is a big issue round age and vulnerability.

its nothing to do with his parents if he is gay, straight or a tree! i would hope that even if they do care, they would be accepting of it.

I just would not want to "out" someone to their parents.

My concern would be that the relationship is abusive. No I wouldn’t go to the other boy’s parents and ask for phone money. I’d write it off and have a serious talk to my child about abusive relationships. He’s already making excuses for the other boy, it was an accident etc. It doesn’t sound like an accident. It sounds like he was coercing your DS for money and became violent.

Was the phone in a case, why did it break? The bf deliberately knocked his phone out of ds's hand? I don't think you can ask them to replace it. What's more worrying is that if your ds is so emotionally immature, lacking in self esteem that he can't see that bf is abusive, and that this relationship is toxic, then he can't grasp immediately that this is not a good relationship, then that is the real problem.

And I doubt you'll get anywhere with this other lads mum. He's in a PRU, I doubt she's all about responsible parenting

Sorry to derail the thread but as the mother of a child who did attend a PRU reading your words hurt like hell. Not because they are true, they are not and in fact I am now responsible enough to be a foster carer of young people with behavioural difficulties. No, it hurt that you think that way, and that other people may think that way. I feel awful, truly awful that you are making judgements about me. I stupidly want to cry and I never cry.

Your 14 year old is in a 'relationship'??

No I wouldn't tell the mother.

I also would not replace the phone. Your son needs to find a way to replace it if he wants to. It's important that you don't just replace it - he doesn't learn anything that way.

This is a safeguarding matter, OP. If I was involved with your family in a professional capacity, I would be required to raise it as such with social services.

At the very least, you need to educate your child about abuse and control in relationships, and I think you may need professional support to do that.

Yes I would speak to the boys parents. He deliberately knocked the phone out of your son’s hands. I’d feel differently if he had been using it and accidentally dropped it. I’d also be speaking to my son about what is acceptable in ‘relationships’ because behaviour like that shouldn’t be tolerated.

The irony of the other kids mother being regarded as not caring as her son is in a PRU (not sure the correlation 🤔) yet op thinking she's ok for caring for a phone instead of her son who's in an abusive sexual relationship