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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask parent to pay for a new phone

74 replies

stamberg · 18/04/2024 19:35

DS has ASD and turned 14 a few months ago and he's been in a relationship with a boy (just turned 16) since November last year.

I wasn't very happy with this relationship due to the age gap (DS was 13 at the time) and also because this boy has behaviour problems, he attends a PRU and was a known bully at DS’s school. Because of this I've tried inviting him over for dinner to get to know him as I don't want DS to know I disapprove in case he feels he can't come to me with ant issues. From what I've seen of him I do suspect he may also have ASD, I'm not a professional but he seems to have a few traits.

DS came home this evening, his phone is smashed and won't turn on. At first he refused to tell me what happened and said he dropped it. He then admitted he met his boyfriend after school and he was in a bad mood, they went to a shop and boyfriend was short for something which made his mood much worse and he was ignoring DS, so DS got his phone out and asked him if he should ask me to put some money in his account. His boyfriend didn't say anything but he forcefully knocked his phone out of his hands and it smashed on the concrete.

DS said he shouted at his boyfriend and asked why he did it and he said boyfriend got upset, kept apologising and said he didn't know why he just had the urge to do it and couldn't stop himself. DS said he believes it was an accident and forgives him but he now doesn't have a phone.

I've dropped him home a few times so I know where he lives, but I haven't spoken to his mum although she has been in, I've never had a hello or a thank you for giving him a lift home.

WIBU to ask her to pay for a new phone?

OP posts:
redalex261 · 18/04/2024 21:01

I wouldn’t be chasing parent for phone money (would accept if offered) but I would want to speak to her about her son’s behaviour. It’s not acceptable, he sounds like an abusive bully. All the flags are there - her is a bit older, known for bullying, your child offered him money and he lashed out. His possible ASD is of no interest, does not justify shitty behaviour.

You can’t forbid your son from seeing him (will make him more attractive) but try to gradually divert him if you can. Make sure your child knows his own worth and understands he deserves to be treated well. Hopefully he will come to realise this guy is no prize.

PassingStranger · 18/04/2024 21:03

It wasn't an accident, it was a choice to do it, what next?

ISeriouslyDoubtIt · 18/04/2024 21:23

Would you be so accepting of this abusive relationship if it was your 14 year old daughter and a 16 year old boy? It is possible to stop the relationship, he's a 14 year old kid who isn't able to make the decisions that are best for him in the long run. How do you know that your son hasn't been coerced by the bf to carry on the relationship, bf apologising, saying he couldn't help it etc could be as a result of your son saying he didn't want to carry on. Maybe your son is looking for a get out and his mum forbidding the relationship could give him that opportunity.

justasking111 · 18/04/2024 21:31

So you have a fourteen year old and a 16 year old boyfriend

Are they sexually active?

Tiamaria86 · 18/04/2024 21:42

Erm I have a 13 year old daughter and if she had a 16 year old boyfriend who was behaving like this i would be very very worried and not about a phone.

Mum2jenny · 18/04/2024 21:46

You can get a phone in a supermarket for under £100 so that’s the simplest option

PTAProblems · 18/04/2024 21:49

Why doesn't your son have a full protective case on his phone?
I'd chalk this up to experience, I'd speak to him about the BFs behaviour, I wouldn't be so welcoming of BF until phone is repaired or replaced by him. If it was an uncontrollable outburst he should do everything he can to make it right - I have an ASD son so understand these outbursts and we are working on techniques with him, he is always horrified afterwards. Speak to your son, what would he do if next time the outburst was aimed at him?
Also 14 is too young to have a boyfriend or girlfriend in my opinion.

OneFrenchEgg · 18/04/2024 21:53

Dacadactyl · 18/04/2024 20:49

And I doubt you'll get anywhere with this other lads mum. He's in a PRU, I doubt she's all about responsible parenting.

What a sweeping statement. I've worked with families in education for many years and there is no justification for making any unpleasant judgements about all parents of young people accessing education in a PRU.

chocmatcha · 18/04/2024 21:53

PTAProblems · 18/04/2024 21:49

Why doesn't your son have a full protective case on his phone?
I'd chalk this up to experience, I'd speak to him about the BFs behaviour, I wouldn't be so welcoming of BF until phone is repaired or replaced by him. If it was an uncontrollable outburst he should do everything he can to make it right - I have an ASD son so understand these outbursts and we are working on techniques with him, he is always horrified afterwards. Speak to your son, what would he do if next time the outburst was aimed at him?
Also 14 is too young to have a boyfriend or girlfriend in my opinion.

Victim blaming...nice

ButtonMoonLoon · 18/04/2024 21:53

An almost three year age gap and love bites???

I can’t believe you’re more worried about a damaged phone than the complete inappropriateness of this relationship.

KomodoOhno · 18/04/2024 22:21

101Nutella · 18/04/2024 19:42

I would speak to her. What have u got to lose? She says no? Same position as now. But he needs a talking too at least.

also I’d worry bf is abusive and this is it ramping up, older and physically taking a mood out on your DS.
its not a good look.

This. Today it was the phone God forbid its your ds next time bf is frustrated or upset.

Noseybookworm · 18/04/2024 22:53

stamberg · 18/04/2024 21:00

When DS first told me about the relationship, I wasn't happy but I just thought DS meant a close friend, until the start of the easter holidays when he came home with a love bite. I spoke to DS and did think about stopping him from seeing his boyfriend but I knew he'd see him anyway.

Boyfriend does seem very immature despite his age. I am worried about the relationship but I don't want to push DS away, he is upset about his phone but forgives his boyfriend so I can't stop them seeing each other as they will meet in secret and id rather know where DS is.

You are probably right that banning your son from seeing his boyfriend won't work. But I would definitely be having conversations with your son about what a healthy respectful relationship looks like and not allowing anyone to treat you badly. This boy's loss of control over something trivial is concerning and it is right that your son knows that you are concerned and why. Encourage him to know his own worth and keep communicating with you and that you are always there to support him. I wouldn't speak to the boy's mother, I think it's probably very unlikely that she'll pay for a replacement phone.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 18/04/2024 23:00

If you get your kid an expensive phone you also get them a good quality protective case and screen protector. Accidents happen and teenagers cannot be relied upon to care for things so at least protect them. Mention it to the parents but you cannot ask them for a new phone.

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 18/04/2024 23:22

I don't want DS to know I disapprove in case he feels he can't come to me with ant issues

...errr and how is that working for you both then?

Your 14 year old is coming home with love bites, a smashed phone, a BF who ignores and then shouts at him, is asking his BF if he wants money to try and win him round, and then is coming home and lying to you.

I think you need to stop trying to be a "cool mum", and be a mother to a vulnerable child fgs

justasking111 · 19/04/2024 00:42

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 18/04/2024 23:00

If you get your kid an expensive phone you also get them a good quality protective case and screen protector. Accidents happen and teenagers cannot be relied upon to care for things so at least protect them. Mention it to the parents but you cannot ask them for a new phone.

I've a drawer full of gorilla glass because of three sons and one klutz of a husband.

justasking111 · 19/04/2024 00:43

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 18/04/2024 23:22

I don't want DS to know I disapprove in case he feels he can't come to me with ant issues

...errr and how is that working for you both then?

Your 14 year old is coming home with love bites, a smashed phone, a BF who ignores and then shouts at him, is asking his BF if he wants money to try and win him round, and then is coming home and lying to you.

I think you need to stop trying to be a "cool mum", and be a mother to a vulnerable child fgs

@stamberg this is the bald truth.

R41nb0wR0se · 19/04/2024 00:56

OP, I'd seriously consider contacting the Early Help service at your local council and asking for some support in safeguarding your son. Navigating issues like this is really tricky, and they will have experience and access to resources to support you to do it successfully.

As others have said, education about healthy relationships, boundaries, consent, safe sex, the age of consent etc are all critical, as is supporting him to develop other friendships and interests. They may possibly be able to refer into an LGBTQ+ youth group locally, which could be good for him.

KomodoOhno · 19/04/2024 03:55

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 18/04/2024 23:22

I don't want DS to know I disapprove in case he feels he can't come to me with ant issues

...errr and how is that working for you both then?

Your 14 year old is coming home with love bites, a smashed phone, a BF who ignores and then shouts at him, is asking his BF if he wants money to try and win him round, and then is coming home and lying to you.

I think you need to stop trying to be a "cool mum", and be a mother to a vulnerable child fgs

Exactly. He is 14. Fine to have that attitude when he's 18 and above but he is 14 and it is 100% your job to protect him.

Original poster
stamberg · 19/04/2024 11:15

The age gap isn't 3 years, it's actually just under 2. DS is 15 at the end of this year and his boyfriend has only just turned 16. There's 2 school years in between them.

I don't think this is an abusive relationship, DS used to throw things when he was overwhelmed. He's now learnt to take himself out of that situation but if his boyfriend is also autistic it is quite likely he was feeling overwhelmed, if he'd had a bad day at school and then not having enough money to buy what he wanted was probably the thing that tipped it over the edge.

I don't want to label it as an abusive relationship because that will push DS away and if it actually is abusive then DS won't want to talk to me about it.

They aren't in a sexual relationship.

OP posts:
queenofcruises · 19/04/2024 11:54

chocmatcha · 18/04/2024 20:34

Why is your concern here his phone ??

This was my first response... a 13 year old child is in a relationship with a 16 year old? This would be my main worry not a phone

Original poster
stamberg · 19/04/2024 12:21

They were 13 and 15. His boyfriend only turned 16 a few weeks ago. There's under 2 years in between them.

OP posts:
Tontostitis · 19/04/2024 12:30

Love bites is a sexual relationship, also indicates a controlling one.

OhHelloMiss · 19/04/2024 12:58

No house insurance... no phone insurance

Yet he has a smartphone?

Can it not be repaired? Get a quote and give it to the boyfriend and show him what his bad temper looks like on paper!

How are they communicating now? Teens usually text etc, the BF must be feeling it with a friend who now can't communicate as much

ISeriouslyDoubtIt · 19/04/2024 13:03

I think you're being a very poor parent by minimising what has happened. You actually have no idea about whether the bf is autistic or has ADHD, all you know is that he was a bully and is at a PRU, even if he does have those conditions there's no excuse for that kind of behaviour.
Yet you seem perfectly happy for your vulnerable young son to be in a relationship with such a person. Ignoring it won't mean your son will talk honestly to you, it just means that you're showing approval of him being in a relationship which involves violence.
It's perfectly possible to still have a great loving relationship with your child whilst setting strong boundaries and having discussions, even arguments, about behaviour. You seem to think that never saying anything negative is the only way to keep lines of communication open. It isn't. Your posts smack of a parent who wants to be their child's friend not their parent and is too afraid to say no.

Labourarepartoftheproblem · 19/04/2024 13:04

No you can't.

Phones are highly breakable items, and children notoriously clumsy and/or unpredictable. You should have had insurance for the phone. Your son will have to go without. The other boys actions were unacceptable though so I'd have a word with the parents on that basis but don't expect an offer of replacement.

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