To contact dead friend's husband after all these years?

[SerendipitySunshine]

I've just found out, through a mutual friend, that a very close school friend has died very quickly at a relatively young age. I feel so sad for my friend, and her husband, who was also my friend for many years (I knew him independently).
My instinct is to reach out to him, offer help and send condolences.
But, the issue is that my friend ghosted me a few years ago (sorry, that's a terrible word in the circumstances, I realise). I never worked out why, but I think she did the slow fade (she was too busy to meet and then didn't respond to calls or texts at all. When I checked, after a while, I realised I could no longer see her on social media - I guess I was either blocked or she had deactivated her accounts). This was very out of character and we had been very close.
In the years since I tried to puzzle it out and never worked out what I'd done wrong. I did try texting him once to ask if they were both OK but I never heard back. He's never been on social media much.
I wondered if it had been a horrible mix-up, and always thought at some point our paths would cross and we could sort things out. Now, obviously, that can't happen.
Would I be unreasonable to try to contact her widower now? I'd never mention the fall-out. I just wanted to send condolences.

I would send a card rather than a text, because it's less demanding of a response.

It's very very rarely wrong to offer condolences.

I would definitely send a condolence card but no other contact unless he initiates it.

OP can't decide in this case as she wasn't given the courtesy of an explanation. But most people would appreciate the gesture of being given condolences regardless. If she had done something truly unforgivable or massively traumatising, I think she'd have an inkling.

A condolence card is fine as long as it is brief like the kind you’d get from a very distant acquaintance - anything more is creepy

If you can send a card I would do that as it’s no pressure to respond if he doesn’t want to but lets him know you’re thinking of him.

Any communication from op could be upsetting though, it could bring back hurt from the past, trigger memories of conversations about op with his wife and that could be distressing. There was obviously a reason that op was cut out.

If she doesn't send one then there's no potential for upset at all and at this time I would be on the side of not upsetting recently bereaved man for the sake of sending a card.

This for me, they both have clearly indicated that what for whatever reason, they didn’t want your friendship. I wouldn’t pop up again now out of the blue, you’d be doing it for yourself and not for him as he’s already let you know, by not replying, he doesn’t wish to maintain contact with you.

Let sleeping dogs lie, OP.

The only thing I can think of that coincided with the ceasing of contact was that I was pregnant with my first child. They already had children, but maybe my pregnancy was painful for them and there were issues I didn't realise.

I think a card in the post, with condolences and a happy memory of her would be a nice thing to do. Whatever the reason for her disappearing from your life, an acknowledgment of his loss would be fine. A card doesnt require a response and therefore i dont think could be felt as an intrusion.

I agree with this.

Tough one. I completely understand the impulse to send a card but I'm not sure that he'll particularly want to receive it as his wife has chosen to do a fade which will be awkward for him to think about now. I think just leave it.

If he was an old friend of yours and you're not trying to swoop in and bang him, I don't personally see an issue with some sort of "I'm sorry for your loss".
Just because his deceased wife once had an issue with you, doesn't mean you're banned from speaking to him, trust your gut and do what you think is most appropriate.
Just be prepared for him not to respond 🤷🏼‍♀️

Unless she died AGES ago or something..! If this is recent enough to be considered normal.

He's is presumably getting on with his life and wham out of the blue he gets a condolence message about his dead wife.

It's different if you bumped into him and he told you, then of course you would offer your condolences.

It's utterly crass to message him seeing as she's been dead awhile.

It's like you are prying and want to reopen old wounds.

She dumped you as a friend whatever the reason and you should not start poking a stick at the past.

I think a card would be better than a text or call.

definitely leave it - she ghosted you

I'm no good at sympathy. But I like to send a happy memory of the person. Someone made a lovely comment about my Dad after he died. She was a neighbour of his and remarked on a nice habit of his that she'd observed. (He'd been on his own for some years after Mum died) It meant a lot to me and although that was back in 1988, I've never forgotten. I can't remember any of the 'sympathy' condolences at all.

Thanks for your replies. I needed to hear it.

I think, maybe, somehow, I felt that I was being petty not contacting him, and continuing some fall-out that I don't even know what was about.

I'm not sure exactly how long it is since she died, and I don't think I have his current address, so I'll leave it.

Thanks for your responses.

YOu've come to a conclusion so I think that's fine. For the record, having lost someone close to me, I appreciated any genuine condolences I received. Offers of help and intrusiveness by relative strangers I found irritating. So sending a card, including a message remembering her positive qualities, fine. Anything else, no.

The most I'd do is send a condolence card. I wouldn't offer help or send anything that tries to prompt a response. They haven't been in your life.

Get on with your own life leave the past where it is.

I wouldn't. She had her reasons.

I think to make contact now would be about you and your feelings and not about him and his.

On that basis, no.

I'd leave it. No contact at all IMO.

I won't contact either, it could be seem as an unwanted intrusion. You were cut a drift by your friend years ago and her dh never answered your text.
That's all you need to know, they weren't interested, leave it alone, this is not about your feelings.

I think that's a very considered and mature response.

You can honour her in your own way after all without contacting him. Sleeping dogs and all that. Again, sorry for your loss.