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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I do not want my partners racist xenophobic uncle around our son.

26 replies

Mumof1xo · 18/04/2024 08:15

Sorry this is a long one… When I was heavily pregnant me and my partner went to visit his very unwell Dad. I was in a separate room for a few minutes with his grandma and uncle(his aunties husband to be exact) I have only briefly met his uncle once previously to this and it was just a quick hello nice to meet you situation not much of a conversation going on. So he was asking how pregnancy was going and what we’ll do for money etc when the baby is born as I was on maternity leave. He then goes on to be very xenophobic saying how I have a right to claim some sort of benefits because I have worked etc unlike all the people who come over here from other countries. I was mortified, angry shocked and upset as he spoke disgustingly about people who have migrated to this country. Meanwhile he had no idea that I am 4th generation immigrant and that my grandfather came here from Poland after the war married an English woman, worked hard and created a family and a better life for himself. I don’t think he even knew what my last name was as maybe he would’ve known not to speak so disrespectfully as my last name is quite obviously polish. I was livid but with my father in law very unwell in the next room and my partner and his family being very distraught I bit my tongue and quickly changed the subject without “acknowledging” what he has said because I knew what I would’ve wanted to say wouldn’t not of came out politely. He then started talking about how he wonders who the baby will look more like which was fine until he then decides to start talking about babies of colour and how they are ugly and resemble certain animals. the poison that poured out of his mouth I couldn’t quite believe my blood boiled as I filled with rage! I am actually too disgusted to repeat most of what was said on here! I was in absolute disbelief! His 89 year old Nan sat there the whole time looking extremely uncomfortable I could tell she was not happy with what was going on. But Still being mindful that a dying man was in the next room and this was a sensitive time. I stood up and walked outside to get some air his Nan poked her head around the door and said I’m sorry he talks so much rubbish! I said no need to apologise on his behalf. I then didn’t come in contact with him again. Since then his dad has passed and I’ve given birth to our beautiful son two days before his funeral. We have took our son to go visit his auntie and Nan and his uncle was already there I just couldn’t stop thinking about what kind of man he is and wanted to take my son and leave he didn’t get to hold him and I didn’t speak to him either. Fast forward my son is 9 weeks old and we’ve been asked to visit them again I’ve told my partner about his uncle and he had agreed with what I’ve said that it was wrong what was said. But I’ve said I do not want to go there with him there and he said I don’t have to and he will take our son I told him no! Our son will not be around this awful man! Right now he may not understand but he will when he’s older I do not want him around this type of person! My partner now says we can still go but he will speak to his auntie about it on the ride over! I still do not want us going! Our son can see his auntie and grandma but not him! I don’t know what to do! Because I don’t want his auntie and Nan missing out but I do not want him around that horrible man! Please help.

OP posts:
Dareisayiseethesunshine · 18/04/2024 08:19

At 9 weeks old your dc will be oblivious to the uncle's opinions.. Make the visit a one off. Everyone is happy. You aren't stressing about causing a family rift when you should be enjoying the early weeks of motherhood... Everyone in the room knows he is a knob....

PollySolo · 18/04/2024 08:23

For heaven’s sake, just challenge his racism and anti-immigrant rhetoric when and if he comes out with it again. This is classic Mn — to say nothing at the time while inwardly seething, and then go postal and refuse to let the person hold your baby as a ‘punishment’.

Mumof1xo · 18/04/2024 08:47

I understand he’s 9 weeks and fully aware he won’t understand anything right now, but as he gets older he will and I do not want this kind of thing around him as it’s not ok. As for not challenging him before it was because of the situation I was in we were visiting my partners dad who was extremely unwell everyone in the house was absolutely distraught I didn’t then want to then argue with him while it was already such a sensitive time and quite frankly I was absolutely gobsmacked that a man I don’t even know was so openly comfortable to just come out with such poison, so I took myself away from the situation as for anything else he ever says in my presence I will definitely not hesitate to challenge him.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 18/04/2024 08:55

I’ve said I do not want to go there with him there and he said I don’t have to and he will take our son I told him no!
First of all you cannot stop a father taking his own child to visit anyone. He is not just your child.

I can understand why you didn't say anything before but now you can, even if it's a calm "I refuse to listen to your racist views" as you leave the room.

Andthereyougo · 18/04/2024 08:57

Have a few stock sentences to say to him. Best to state your position now while ds is too young to understand.
Cut him off, interrupt bluntly with “ we’re not racists, we don’t listen to rubbish like that” “ stop right there, we do not want to hear that, nor do we want our son around speech like that” Adapt to what you are comfortable with but be firm and blunt. Adopt a don’t mess with me face.
And if he persists you walk away and agree to meet Nan and aunt in a coffee shop/pub/park without the uncle.

Desecratedcoconut · 18/04/2024 08:57

Fourth generation immigrant...is that a thing? Surely practically everyone has an immigrant in the family if you go back four generations?

Anyway, beside the point, it doesn't sound like you have to spend much time together and around his views and opinions. Your little one is small and I don't think I'd be putting the burden on my dh to be fixing this while his Dad is dying.

Later, when things are settled, you can make some tactical decisions.

Mumof1xo · 18/04/2024 08:59

my partner agreed with me not wanting him to see his uncle as the rest of his family don’t seem to be to fond of him either. The sole reason he wants to take him is to see his auntie and grandmother which I have no issue with whatsoever they are both lovely. But it’s a sticky situation as his uncle will be there also. I just don’t know how to go around it.

OP posts:
Desecratedcoconut · 18/04/2024 09:01

Is the uncle his Dad or Mother's brother?

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 18/04/2024 09:03

The title should be you don’t want the racist uncle around you - the baby won’t give a shit. So just tell the uncle he’s a racist twat and he probably won’t want to see you again anyway, job done.

phoenixrosehere · 18/04/2024 09:04

PollySolo · 18/04/2024 08:23

For heaven’s sake, just challenge his racism and anti-immigrant rhetoric when and if he comes out with it again. This is classic Mn — to say nothing at the time while inwardly seething, and then go postal and refuse to let the person hold your baby as a ‘punishment’.

Considering what was going on at the time (her DH’s father dying in the other room!), it would not have helped and who isn’t to say he wouldn’t have become more aggressive?

wibblywobblywoo · 18/04/2024 09:12

As a "fourth generation immigrant" 🤔how is your surname still "very obviously Polish" ?

Wasabiaddiction · 18/04/2024 09:12

4th Generation .... is that really a thing?

So one of your 16 ancestor's in that generation is not British born? Surely that applies to the majority of the population?

windowframer · 18/04/2024 09:13

You're being ridiculous. Your son is not going to catch racism germs from the uncle, and as he grows up he's going to "be around" all kinds of people. Short of keeping him in a hermatically sealed oxygen tank in a bunker surrounded by armed guards, there's nowt you can do about that, and nor should you.

You'll do your best to impart your values to him and he'll learn from how you live by them. He could however at some stage decide he agrees with something said by your uncle, by someone at his school or by someone that he sees on television, which you disagree with or find offensive. Ultimately its his brain that has to process his experience and make sense of it, not yours.

Dorriethelittlewitch · 18/04/2024 09:14

You go and you call out his behaviour. I have an uncle like that, who forgets his father was an immigrant (apart from when having an EU passport suits him). He's effectively given up around me though since a deep dive through the family photo collection explained why his eldest sibling had type 3c hair and why we all have variations on olive skin.

Punishing two "lovely" women because of one obnoxious man is not the solution. I agree holding your tongue was appropriate the first time given someone was dying but it doesnt mean you have to in future.

Mumof1xo · 18/04/2024 09:16

Just for some perspective my partners father passed in mid January. Which is why I’ve raised this now as we’ve been consistently asked to visit and my partner has had a bit of time of to come to terms with everything. he agrees his uncle is a knob but isn’t really giving me much choice as to how we go about this, he’s suggested we speak to his auntie which I agree with but on the car ride over to there house where his uncle will be doesn’t give us much time to come up with some sort of resolution to this whole thing and then I have to sit in a room with this man in his house which makes me extremely uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Desecratedcoconut · 18/04/2024 09:16

Wasabiaddiction · 18/04/2024 09:12

4th Generation .... is that really a thing?

So one of your 16 ancestor's in that generation is not British born? Surely that applies to the majority of the population?

It's tenuous. I mean, is that my grandparent's parents or my grandparent's grandparents?

Limer · 18/04/2024 09:21

You and your DH need to practice the line, "Nobody wants to hear your racism, Uncle Knobhead." Then change the subject.

And as his nephew, your DH should be taking the lead on this.

nutbrownhare15 · 18/04/2024 09:25

I don't know why posters are being so snippy about OP's family history. There clearly is a history of immigration in her family and she says she has a Polish sounding name. It's not difficult to understand how that would come about, son passes on surname to son, who passes on to son, who passes on to daughter. It doesn't matter if lots of others have someone in their family tree somewhere who is an immigrant. This is clearly a particularly sensitive issue for OP given the role of WW2 in her family's migration story and I don't think it's fair to minimise it.

JockTamsonsBairns · 18/04/2024 09:31

Realistically, how much time are you likely to spend with your partner's uncle as your son grows older?

I would just go on this occasion, and take the opportunity to challenge his abhorrent views directly. If doing so causes conflict, no need to ever see him again.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 18/04/2024 09:32

I also agree that you shouldn't punish the two women for the actions of the man. Also his nonsense was expressed at a particularly difficult and memorable time when you (rightly) didn't think it appropriate to push back. That's not the case this time. Just say 'it's 2024 Uncle Racist, we don't express those opinions in polite company any more' and move on.

If he persists, then you think again.

With my own, incredibly racist stepfather, I found one very firm conversation where I said 'DS's best friends at school are black and Asian. You do know that, right? And if he ever comes home saying 'grandad isn't kind about my friends' or that he's uncomfortable with your views, we just won't send him to see you again. So it's up to you to watch your mouth.' He knew I meant it so he cut it out.

Mumof1xo · 18/04/2024 09:58

Thankyou for everyone’s responses.
i haven’t had much contact with the uncle in the whole almost 5 years of being with my partner But now since my son was born the question as to when we will visit comes around a lot. Which means now that it will be an often thing which is quite difficult as I still want our son to be able to see other family members. I think my best course of action is to speak with auntie before we go and if anymore comments come up I will challenge it and then go from there and might mean we no longer see him and arrange to see other family members at a different location who knows. As for all these unnecessary comments on my family history which is find quite weird . My grand father was polish and moved here after/during the war don’t know to be exact he didn’t speak about Poland much as it was quite obviously a traumatic time for him. he gave his children his last name and they gave his name to my dad and his siblings etc and after he died it’s been carried on in our family to keep his memory alive and without him none of us would be here he went through a lot to get to this country . which is why my name is polish and so is our sons.

OP posts:
gannett · 18/04/2024 10:01

wibblywobblywoo · 18/04/2024 09:12

As a "fourth generation immigrant" 🤔how is your surname still "very obviously Polish" ?

Yes obviously the OP acknowledging her own heritage is the biggest issue in her post. Why does this bother you more than her partner's uncle's vile racism?

OP, YANBU. Racism is a red line for me. I will not be around it and you're absolutely right not to want to bring your child up around it. I think it's 100% worth creating a family rift for, because anti-racist moral values are far more important to me than some abstract notion of "family". Racist family members can go jump.

I would have called it out to his face, and frankly he wouldn't have known what had hit him, but then I'm confrontational on this subject. Then I would have cut him out of my life. I have absolutely zero tolerance for prejudice.

Toastjusttoast · 18/04/2024 10:40

For me it would be more of a concern when your son is old enough to understand.

I can understand you refusing to see him though op. I have a relative just like this. Part of the fun for him is seeing people react. People like this don’t change their opinions they just hold their tongue when it benefits them. Don’t bother!

Mumof1xo · 18/04/2024 10:46

Usually I would’ve called him out on his comments immediately, as I have done with other people in the past im confrontational on this subject also there is no place for that kind of behaviour! But considering the circumstances I was under I couldn’t have took the chance considering I was heavily pregnant and father in law was on the verge of passing away in the next room which was already a sensitive time. he may have got aggressive as people like that don’t usually like being called out or challenged.

OP posts:
LolaJ87 · 18/04/2024 10:47

Could you bring the grandmother and aunt around to your place instead of visiting? I wouldn't go, nor would I want my child around someone like that.

I get posters saying the baby can't understand right now but it's easier to just keep him away from building a relationship with someone like that than to what, suddenly stop visiting when the child is 3?

It is totally fine to set a boundary here. Your partner can explain to his family why, since the grandmother witnessed it I doubt it'll be a surprise.

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