Colleague informing my manager of a medical issue

[Sparklybutold]

I work frontline with members of the public, around 95% of it wfh. I have always suffered with a myriad of neurological and musculoskeletal problems throughout my life. Recently I have been referred to neurology, with MS being one of many diagnoses. I informed my manager during supervision as I have been open about my health issues since I started. My job suits my needs and limitations well. I am very proactive in ensuring I access all the support I can. During a conversation with a colleague I told her about this referral. She didn't ask many questions, just 'that she was familiar with MS as she had family/friends diagnosed'. I told her that I had already informed our manager. This colleague informed me today by email that she has let my manager know as she is 'duty bound' to ensure my safety. This has really angered me.

I've already told our manager - I told her this. So she has effectively told them again?

She didn't actually enquire about my own symptoms, supposedly going on her own understanding of MS. The tone of the email feels extremely infantilising and judgemental.

Confidentiality is central to our work. In instances that requires us to break this confidentiality, we let the person know. She told me after.

I have supervision on Friday with my manager. How do I broach this?

[WarshipRocinante]

Well, you told her. So you broke your own confidentiality. And she hasn’t gossiped; she reported it upwards because it clearly weighed on her and she worried about your ability to do the job/the impact of the job on you.

If you don’t want people talking about you or reporting concerns then don’t tell them this stuff. I actually think it’s quite bad form to unload onto a co-worker about your health issues, because they haven’t agreed to be a sounding board for that sort of pain. It’s one thing if they are a close friend as well as colleague. But discussing conditions which are actually quite bad, and get worse with time… it’s not fair to do that and expect someone to just hold it in their head and be OK with it. Especially if she has watched someone close to her go through the degeneration of MS.

[Sparklybutold]

@WarshipRocinante

Well, you told her. So you broke your own confidentiality. And she hasn’t gossiped; she reported it upwards because it clearly weighed on her and she worried about your ability to do the job/the impact of the job on you.

If you don’t want people talking about you or reporting concerns then don’t tell them this stuff. I actually think it’s quite bad form to unload onto a co-worker about your health issues, because they haven’t agreed to be a sounding board for that sort of pain. It’s one thing if they are a close friend as well as colleague. But discussing conditions which are actually quite bad, and get worse with time… it’s not fair to do that and expect someone to just hold it in their head and be OK with it. Especially if she has watched someone close to her go through the degeneration of MS.

Edited

Yes I told her. I also told her I've already told our manager. So why tell her again? I didn't just dump it on her either. It was part of a discussion we were having owing to both of us having chronic health conditions. I have spent a lot more time listening to her issues and difficulties. I would not then be going to my manager about this. She is a grown adult who is capable of making up her own mind whether she is able to do her job. But she then goes on to inform my boss? Why?

Personally, I'm finding it difficult to move past the fact this is just a shitty thing to do.

[IfIwasrude]

She had no reason to disbelieve you when you told her that the information had already been passed up. To imply that you couldn't be trusted to discharge that responsibility yourself is disablist and disrespectful. From the social disability perspective, she is contributing to your disability by treating you this way. It also seems likely that she is using your disability to make herself seem superior which is just awful. I completely understand why you would feel that way. However I'm not sure what good it would do to raise it with your supervisor at this point. It adds fuel to the fire. If there is a similar incident again, that would be a different matter. At most, I might say, "X has let me know that she felt duty bound to inform you of my diagnosis that we have already discussed. I had previously told her that you were aware as that is of course my responsibility but I'm sure you were able to reassure her." And just leave it at that.

[Understatedcarriage]

I would feel really annoyed at your colleague in this situation too. It seems really patronising and interfering.

[Sparklybutold]

@IfIwasrude

She had no reason to disbelieve you when you told her that the information had already been passed up. To imply that you couldn't be trusted to discharge that responsibility yourself is disablist and disrespectful. From the social disability perspective, she is contributing to your disability by treating you this way. It also seems likely that she is using your disability to make herself seem superior which is just awful. I completely understand why you would feel that way. However I'm not sure what good it would do to raise it with your supervisor at this point. It adds fuel to the fire. If there is a similar incident again, that would be a different matter. At most, I might say, "X has let me know that she felt duty bound to inform you of my diagnosis that we have already discussed. I had previously told her that you were aware as that is of course my responsibility but I'm sure you were able to reassure her." And just leave it at that.

Edited

This is exactly where I'm at now. In the line of work we do - she should have known better. I need to be a lot more careful from now on. It does hurt as I know she has discussed things with me that I would never think of then disclosing to our manager as I was 'duty bound'.

[ThisIsMyRubbishUsername]

Tell her nothing going forwards. Some people like to stir. She probably didn’t believe you told your manager and because she knows someone else with it she clearly sees herself an expert. She has unlikely done it with good intentions. She’s not to be trusted.

[Sparklybutold]

@ThisIsMyRubbishUsername

Tell her nothing going forwards. Some people like to stir. She probably didn’t believe you told your manager and because she knows someone else with it she clearly sees herself an expert. She has unlikely done it with good intentions. She’s not to be trusted.

Sigh. I've just reread her email. It's awful. I'm just disappointed. It absolutely does feel that she doesn't believe I told my manager.

I will go through the email and document my concerns with the way it's been handled. My manager did reply to her email thanking her and that she would discuss it with me on Friday during our supervision.

[saraclara]

@Sparklybutold

Sigh. I've just reread her email. It's awful. I'm just disappointed. It absolutely does feel that she doesn't believe I told my manager.

I will go through the email and document my concerns with the way it's been handled. My manager did reply to her email thanking her and that she would discuss it with me on Friday during our supervision.

Yes, I'd find that really annoying. Especially with the manager's reply. He should have said 'yes, I'm aware and sparkly and I have already had this conversation...'

[Sparklybutold]

@saraclara

From what I can deduce from the email exchange. Colleague sent separate email outlining her 'duty bound' concerns. I haven't seen this email. I know I can ask to see this to ensure its contents are accurate and representative of our discussion. If need be, I will ask for this. Manager then replied we will discuss Friday separate to me.

[FrothyCothy]

Are you in a regulated profession OP? Was she being overzealous for that reason? Either way, crappy behaviour by colleague particularly not to discuss her intentions first.

[Sparklybutold]

@FrothyCothy

Are you in a regulated profession OP? Was she being overzealous for that reason? Either way, crappy behaviour by colleague particularly not to discuss her intentions first.

No, not in a regulated profession.

At the very least I expected her to inform me first. It just reeks of disablism and mistrust.

[EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness]

It sounds to me like her 'concerns' are around the people with MS she is familiar with and what MS is like for them. I would want to point out to your supervisor that even if you have MS, symptoms and progressions vary a lot between patients and that this woman has no idea what it will be like for you and what this will mean for you over time work-wise.

[Sparklybutold]

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness

It sounds to me like her 'concerns' are around the people with MS she is familiar with and what MS is like for them. I would want to point out to your supervisor that even if you have MS, symptoms and progressions vary a lot between patients and that this woman has no idea what it will be like for you and what this will mean for you over time work-wise.

This is exactly my impression too.

[PoppyCherryDog]

@Understatedcarriage

I would feel really annoyed at your colleague in this situation too. It seems really patronising and interfering.

This. Give she knew your manager knew it’s so weird and makes you wonder what her motivation was for telling your manager something your manager already knew!?!

[ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst]

I would email back saying 'thank you for your email as already stated manager is aware. ' then draw a line. She's not someone who you can trust unfortunately.

[HoppingPavlova]

I would respond to her and cc your manager. Something along the lines of ‘given I had advised you that I had informed my manage of this medical condition, can you clarify what aspect that you felt duty bound with and what you were hoping to achieve overall with this communication’.

[Soontobe60]

She had no reason to disbelieve you when you told her that the information had already been passed up. To imply that you couldn't be trusted to discharge that responsibility yourself is disablist and disrespectful. From the social disability perspective, she is contributing to your disability by treating you this way

Utter nonsense. She also had no reason to believe the OP and was likely following protocol. Safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility. If I was told something by a colleague that could fall under the umbrella of safeguarding then I would have to speak to their line manager too. She didn’t need the OPs permission to do this, that’s not how safeguarding works. It’s neither ‘disabling’ nor ‘disrespectful’. Neither is it ‘contributing to her disability’.

[Soontobe60]

My manager did reply to her email thanking her and that she would discuss it with me on Friday during our supervision
How do you know this?

[GRex]

Well you know now not to share private information with her in future. As your manager already knew, there's no harm done except to your ex friendship. I wouldn't think it's in anyone's interests for you to expend energy turning this into a fight by demanding the original email nor by responding to her. Rise gracefully above and focus on your health. If she asks if you saw the email, you can say it didn't appear to require a response and leave it at that.

[Mistredd]

@Sparklybutold

Sigh. I've just reread her email. It's awful. I'm just disappointed. It absolutely does feel that she doesn't believe I told my manager.

I will go through the email and document my concerns with the way it's been handled. My manager did reply to her email thanking her and that she would discuss it with me on Friday during our supervision.

Your manager’s response is inappropriate to my mind and gives credence to the idea she hadn’t told them. If I had been your manage I would have rung you to find out why I got this email and then replied “thanks xxx. I am already aware of this and xxx ensures she always puts patient safety first”

[HelplessSoul]

Grievance on her sorry ass OP.

Thats the only solution.

And going forward, tell her nothing about anything unless related to work.

[TesticularHeft]

Honestly, if your manager is worth their salt, she has only made herself look bad.

The only concern is if your manager would look to manage you out due to health issues but you'll know what they're like and if this is a possibility.

If it were me, I would stress that you may not have MS and if you do, you will work with professionals to ensure you're still competent and able for as long as possible. Her experience will not be your experience. Go forearmed with ways this may affect you.

I wouldn't talk too much about her other than you now realise you shouldn't talk to her about it and are disappointed she didn't believe that you had notified the manager. Anything else will look like gossip, oneupmanship or trying to drag her down. Your manager should know.

[Forhecksake]

I like Hopping Pavlova's response.

[BlueMum16]

@Sparklybutold

Sigh. I've just reread her email. It's awful. I'm just disappointed. It absolutely does feel that she doesn't believe I told my manager.

I will go through the email and document my concerns with the way it's been handled. My manager did reply to her email thanking her and that she would discuss it with me on Friday during our supervision.

Personally I would email the colleague and say something like 'i'm disappointed that you felt the need to breach trust over this matter that does not concern you. As previously stated supervisor is aware' and then distance self and on converse around edges when needed to be polite in work environment.

I would have to call her out on her behaviour.

[BarbarasRhabarberBar]

I don't think you should email her. It would be seen as goady or threatening. It could be an appropriate question for your manager.