Is anyone else’s family just very awkward?

[Dannydyerwashotinthenineties]

Love them all obviously, but my family is just very awkward. If we all go for a meal or out somewhere, there are times when everyone just sits there and doesn’t talk for ages. I just find it very awkward. I’m not an extrovert, but I do talk, they are very quiet at times and not any real effort to make much conversation. When I’m with friends/others, I’m the fairly quiet one, but with my family, I really need to take the lead, there’s no initiative or energy really and I feel myself just adapting to the environment
Our dd is 5 and v outgoing and tries to talk to everyone and get them involved, but there’s not that much response there either. Dh is average sociability but I can see he always finds it awkward.
Is this normal? I find it hard work to always be the one initiating conversation, my parents alone or just with us are ok or my sister just with me is okish, it seems to be when we’re all in a group together. It saps my energy and is draining really and makes me feel sad it’s like this

But… it dies mean they’re not interested in her..

my young adult son is (I think) on the spectrum and he will happily be silent - it’s because he’s not interested in other people at all.

There are endless threads about my loneliness, I won't hijack this one!

but yes, sorry OP, this thread has, weirdly, reminded me of a blessing I had forgotten about. I hope you can find a way to improve these gatherings for you and your DD. Editing to say - we were much better at home than out in a pub or restaurant. Does the "being out" make them uncomfortable in some way?

@JeysusH I honestly don't think I could ask him. We are so weird around each other. I wouldn't even know what to say! I'd clam up...yeah it must have been hard. But maybe not like he was always quiet around family.
And he was always out with his friends at that time. It's a weird one..but honestly don't think I could bring it up! I can't even talk normal around him like my voice is different haha sounds so fucked up when I say it! Even my kids say it to me, they ask why I talk differently with family!

@Dannydyerwashotinthenineties that's it exactly, afraid of upsetting each other. I don't know where it stems from.

Maybe try some games that everyone can get involved with. Just low key, the alphabet game is great for that, I've used it on reluctant teen and child guests many times, just go round the table and everyone has to think of an animal starting with the letter A, next person B etc.

No-one ever refuses!

@teenboymom Yes, exactly, the voice etc, I think as Dd gets older, she’ll notice it and that’s quite sad

@WinterDeWinter Ive wondered if there is some autism within the family

@EmmaEmerald Yes, better at home, with tv to occupy or noise around and home comforts. Just sitting at a table directly opposite each other is really awkward

I’m sorry you’re lonely 😞

Ahh, this frustrates me because I can see that you really do need to speak to your brother about that time in your lives.

Do you never see him alone?

You're making me sad because you and your brother have a block that you could overcome with words. You just need to start the conversation. It won't be easy, because it's years of not talking about it, and probably him feeling rejected, you at 12 going along with the new family dynamic and then wondering where your previous closeness with your brother had gone.

He probably shut down a bit and left home, you went through puberty and got on with your life.

And now your left with someone you love dearly, amd have a deep connection with, and neither of you are sure how to get back to where you were.

You just need to say some words. To start a conversation.

I often feel very affected by the environment though and find myself going into my shell more. I become less animated/happy/confident…it’s strange. I even feel awkward in a way (but still do it) playing with my Dd at the playground etc as they just stand there watching, not playing/joining in, laughing etc, I feel sad for Dd, I don’t think she understands why they wouldn’t want to get involved

I’m very chatty in general but not so at wider family gatherings. I think it’s coming from us all being very different and having different views and personalities so there are not many issues we all can talk about. It’s easier when we are “in small groups” e.g if I’m talking just with my mum or just with my sister.
I would never be a friend with my relatives if they were my colleagues or neighbours.

@pizzaHeart Yes I think I feel like that too, but it makes me really sad

I just avoid family meals. Husband and his family behave like acquaintances rather than family. Find it so awkward. Husband is undiagnosed ND and think his family are all the same. It has taken me 25 years for the penny to drop 🙄
Just cannot be bothered now. I don’t even have a meal with husband because I cannot be arsed with the picky behaviour about the food,the heat of the plate etc

When my lovely Mum was alive my children loved going to Grandmas because she was relaxed and we just had fun .Yes she had the odd fag in her conservatory but myself and the children all found her home a happy place.

That sounds like you just don't like your husband.

There's a lot of ND in my family, but being ND doesn't make someone antisocial or difficult. It just makes them ND. My DD has ASD but bloody loves a round-table family meal, she may engage with the world differently but she still wants to engage.

My friend has a daughter with ASD who is non-verbal but she loves to come to my house, and I make food she likes and we play games she enjoys.

As EM Forster said, 'Only connect'.

Nothing wrong with a fag in the conservatory!

Yes, my family is the same. My parents and siblings are all very intelligent but quite introverted and isolated people who don't socialise apart from family and a very small number of close friends. I have to keep the conversation going whenever we are together and find it heavy going because I am also quite introverted and usually also do all the organising, cooking etc as well. I only learned to make conversation by leaving home and then going into a profession where a high key of human interaction is required.

My family do talk but only on a small range of specific topics of keen interest to them.

I can talk to my mum just fine on our own but once the others are around I feel stifled somehow.

I really envy people with extroverted families who have a laugh together even though I'd probably find it overwhelming.

I wonder where it comes from.

My family are very relaxed with each other, but also don't shy away from difficult conversations. That doesn't necessarily mean we find difficult conversations easy, and I've forced them many times to facilitate ease and understanding.

I'm the middle of five and get on with all my siblings 'best' The middle is an interesting place to be, I love all my family members. I see no-one is perfect but everyone tries.

And we're all OK.

Interestingly, we're all very successful in our own way. We've all succeeded as individuals and part of the whole.

We function as a family and we laugh. A lot.

You have a good point. I suppose many of us have had to unlearn/relearn better ways of behaving than we grew up with. I have taught myself how to have social manners like asking questions about other people'lives and being interested in the answers as well as talking about myself too. I start conversations, ask questions and find it dull that my family members are not really interested in what others have to say or curious about their lives. When they speak they have a tendency to self-aggrandise and when they do listen they tend to be judgy, which I find incredibly tiring and it makes me not want to bother. I guess not all introverts are socially awkward and you can also be chatty but lack social skills too?

That's an interesting one.

I guess not all introverts are socially awkward and you can also be chatty but lack social skills too.

I think that's true. I'm probably a lot older than others on this thread.

I have met people like this.

My family never talk about themselves. We talk about other shit. We laugh a lot. A lot. We just laugh all the time when we're together. Because shit is funny. Life is funny. We were in Napoli last week at a restaurant and we buggered up our order. We got so much food, it was hysterical.

And then, when I went to pay I was laughing so much and speaking my shit Italian that the owner sent a litre of lemmonchello and mellonchello over.

And that made us laugh more.

We didn't drink it, it was ridiculous.

Me, DH and our DCs, just laughed. As did the owner. We all laughed. It was a funny situation.

In my family we are all introverts and at family gatherings it's often difficult to find conversation. We are just not chatty people. As children we were very much seen and not heard and deterred from talking unless spoken to. I now always have to give a lot of thought beforehand to what we are going to talk about and meeting for coffee for an hour is quite long enough.

This resonates a lot with me too and I think if your family aren't like this it can be hard to understand (as I have seen in comments). I'm from an intelligent but introverted family. Although individually all have friends and the ability to be more extrovert. I've had to learn and adapt as I've got older particularly in a work environment. But together it's always awkward. I do look forward to seeing family but we don't see each other often - usual family occasions like Xmas mostly.

It's not normal.ime in real life, but probably is on mumsnet We're the opposite if anything, almost all talking at once. But I suppose it depends on how often you all see each other.

My aunt sent M&D Christmas and birthday cards. Then for 3-4 years- it was her DH that wrote them. 2020 and 2021 we didn’t get anything. We blamed Covid. Then nothing since

Then we googled aunt’s full name (unusual middle name) and we discovered that she died two years previously. Nobody contacted us or the couple of other relatives who still alive and in contact with.

I would say really common. When I’m out I see loads of families who look awkward/like they don’t want to be there. I’ve got odd parents so like to look out for others in the same boat. Suppose you see what you need to in order to confirm your thoughts are correct!

We used to take a pack of cards to amuse the kids whilst waiting for food but it's a good social ice breaker, even if the people are your own family.