Is anyone else’s family just very awkward?

[Dannydyerwashotinthenineties]

Love them all obviously, but my family is just very awkward. If we all go for a meal or out somewhere, there are times when everyone just sits there and doesn’t talk for ages. I just find it very awkward. I’m not an extrovert, but I do talk, they are very quiet at times and not any real effort to make much conversation. When I’m with friends/others, I’m the fairly quiet one, but with my family, I really need to take the lead, there’s no initiative or energy really and I feel myself just adapting to the environment
Our dd is 5 and v outgoing and tries to talk to everyone and get them involved, but there’s not that much response there either. Dh is average sociability but I can see he always finds it awkward.
Is this normal? I find it hard work to always be the one initiating conversation, my parents alone or just with us are ok or my sister just with me is okish, it seems to be when we’re all in a group together. It saps my energy and is draining really and makes me feel sad it’s like this

Lots of reasons people are like this, don't know what to say, worried to be boring, don't know how to start talking, find group talking hard etc. I feel the same sometimes as you and it's hard, though sometimes Im the one who is quiet. And that's cos I'm not sure anyone wants to hear to say what I'd say and I can't think of anything anyway cos I'm caught up in my thoughts.

My family is usually quite chatty and i think when we are not we can feel like we've failed in some way, like we're not the family we should or want to be.

I think there are good cues and tools to help with this. Questions that go around to everyone, you can do it formally or less so. Also games! Word games and other types! Coild be fun? (Excuse can be the kids).

@JeysusH They only really socialised mainly with family, my dad talks a lot, but even he can just sit there when in a group and doesn’t talk
My mum is lovely but shy and I’ve never actually known her to have proper friends, I never saw that as a kid, but even though I was shy and still can be socially awkward and like to be alone quite a bit, I’ve always had friends and now I have Dd, I actively force myself to socialise with mum’s and include her in that and to live a very full life

Ah @Dannydyerwashotinthenineties so your grandparents were chatty?

I think socialising is a learnt skill. My teen children (and their friends) love dinner at ours because it's chatty and relaxed, and fun.

Did your parents ever entertain? Do you entertain? If not, that's a great way for your DD to learn and enjoy social interactions.

Companiable silence is great, but that's more for sitting around reading and relaxing than a family dinner situation.

@Dannydyerwashotinthenineties I don't think they are, they managed to socialise fine when I wasn't there, my parents were the sort who knew everyone in the local area. Hosted parties, were on committees etc etc

I think someone ends up being the default person in charge of many family things...somehow it ended up falling to me. They were genuinely flummoxed if I didn't have an interesting set of topics at hand.

I have also historically been the person who gets seated next to the non-talking people at big events because I'm (allegedly) good at setting them at ease.

Thanks for making me think of a second point that cheers me up about having no social life now 😂

That's good @Dannydyerwashotinthenineties. Then she'll learn!

I don't think at this stage you can force your parents out of habits of a lifetime, but you seem to be making positive steps to show your DD that there is another way.

I do think small-talk and chat are skills that help oil the wheels of life. It's good to make connections and that's one of the ways we do it.

You're doing a good thing to force yourself out of your comfort zone for your DD.

@JeysusH Yes, Dd is v v sociable, loves to talk (never stops) v friendly, loves to have fun. I think that’s why she finds it a bit sad/strange that no one is really responding to her as she’s so used to people who are different to my family. I remember when younger being at friends houses and being in awe of the warmth and gregariousness in their homes

@EmmaEmerald Yes I often feel like the default person in charge too, no one else makes decisions or just stands there and shrugs. Just feel a bit sad about it as can sometimes have a laugh but often it’s not that relaxed, it’s a shame really

@coastalhawk You’re right, there are so many reasons. Maybe it’s me too, perhaps I just need to relax and not be so bothered by silences. I look at my mum and everyone else and she’s just quite calm, looking into space, whereas I’m thinking ‘Why is no one talking?’ I’m just not used to it with friends and so on

I do think MN (and I've been around these parts for 18 years), does attract less sociable types. It didn't always. I think in the early days of forums etc, more sociable types were attracted because it was a way to socialise when you were in, brilliant!

Now, I do think forums have become a way for people who don't want to go out ever, to be able to stay in and still feel connected. So it becomes a self-selecting group by default.

So don't necessarily listen to MN when you want answers on interacting with the world.

Because a lot of them don't!

Yes!!! So weird to read this as I've never seen it in real life but we are the same. There's a strange dynamic. I can't even explain it. Individually we are all quite sociable people. My brother and I have lots of friends, socialise a lot but we are so weird around each over.. we like each other but just are socially awkward with each other. My mother is more chatty but also can be socially awkward. It's strange and really draining.

Even with my mother, I'm not totally myself yet I see her everyday. It's very tiring. But it's a cycle I find hard to break. We were always like this. I don't remember it as a child, was more as I hit teens and beyond

@coastalhawk is right, games are fun! If you're round a table in a mixed family group and it gets a bit quiet, play the alphabet game, word association, word disassociation, Chinese whispers. These are all fun, people love to laugh and it generally sparks conversations, togetherness, just feelings that a good time has been had and everyone felt involved. That's important I think.

It doesn't have to be mad and up and rah.

Just people that like each other making connections.

It's so different in my house as I have three boisterous, funny boys so there's always joking, slagging, wrestling. My Ds's will wrestle me and take me to the ground out of no where! So nice to be in a house where we have so much fun together (I mean they are still teens who don't want to spend time with us) but when they do it's a great laugh with us all just taking the piss out of each other. I think that's what my family lacked. We are afraid of offending each other

Do you not feel easy in each other's company?

You must have shared history to laugh over?

@JeysusH yes that's it we are not easy with each other. I don't know where it came from because I remember my brother and I playing together as kids. I think when he got older he went very quiet. My mother had a boyfriend, came when I was 12ish but my brother was 17 and although they didn't not get in or anything. It changed the dynamic a lot. I used to go on holidays with them and their daughter as we were younger so got to know them better but my brother used to stay home. I don't know..that's all I can pinpoint as the change.

They have since broken up.

We don't wrestle, but as a family we do compete physically. My dad even went through a phase of bringing a blood pressure monitor round so we could see who could be the calmest...

(He won, he does a lot of yoga).

It was much more fun than it sounds!!

I don't know what's "normal" but that doesn't sound it to me! Especially when there's a 5yo about - how can they not respond to a 5yo?!

My family are always chatting, discussing topics (sometimes arguing!) but rarely silent, especially on social occasions and get together. It must just be their disposition? And you are the black sheep who is not like the rest of them 😁

that's so funny! Nothing like a bit of healthy competition. I envy families who have great laughs together. Dh family have their problems, don't get my wrong but we can always have a good laugh together and similar dynamic to our family.

@Dannydyerwashotinthenineties Yes, it's horrible when no one else will make a decision as well.

I have asked family members what they thought about events that I found particularly boring or uncomfortable.... They didn't find them uncomfortable. Not all of them will be telling the truth maybe? But some certainly were.

That's an interesting thing I guess, could dissect the "why" for hours...but when I was in the peak days of family events, I was often exhausted because I worked ridiculously long hours ....and I just thought "why am I here if nobody is even talking?!"

I think perhaps some people feel they have ticked it off a "to do" list ....or they enjoy the change of scene going out. This was particularly true of my dad after he retired. He was bored out of his brain. Also, I think "companionable silence" applies to him and mum together but for some reason, I was expected to be the entertainment.

But for me, when it was just an obligation to be shoehorned in, the fact that I was expected to provide conversation for an event that I didn't organise and didn't want to go to, really pissed me off!

@teenboymom So weird isn’t it? Like we’re strangers almost, but obviously not. I’d love it to be more free and easy and relaxed
My Dh having observed as a bit of an outsider said it’s awkward sometimes and it seems like everyone is afraid of upsetting everyone else or something

Ah OK, have you tried speaking to him about that? He was obviously a few years older and at an age where he was striking out for independence, but having a 17 YO son, I can imagine he felt left out and replaced (not your fault obviously). But there may be feelings there that need talking about.

Try it.

I'm from a big, wonderful, complex but talkative family. We do talk things through. It works, it does work.

DH is from a very different family and has learnt about the power of saying what you fucking mean and need to say from me and my family.

It's hard sometimes to clear the past. I have an absolute belief that communication is everything and sometimes you need to start the conversation.

@JeysusH "Now, I do think forums have become a way for people who don't want to go out ever, to be able to stay in and still feel connected."

that might be true. For me it's the only chat I get, hence being here so much.

so...thank goodness for MN.

OP I hope you can find a way to improve things. I'd love the game ideas though my parents would have hated it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have the opposite problem. I'm an introvert with a chatty family who like to talk about themselves. I dread family events.

@EmmaEmerald do you want to go out?

Sorry if that's an intrusive question.

@Arnia I think that’s the part that’s bothering me the most. The other day at lunch, Dd was sat away from me and she looked v uncomfortable, I’ve not actually seen her like that before. She tried so many times to include everyone in the group into activities or talking. At one point, she even said ‘Is anyone else bored’ 🙈 They’re just very low energy/passive/chilled, not sure what it is really
My sister and I have talked about it sort of over text and she’s said that mum and dad have never been v sociable, but she can also sit there saying nothing and the kids too-although are most teenagers like that?

Why do you dread your family though? If they only want to talk about themselves that sounds a little tedious but maybe they're socially awkward too, which is why they only talk about themselves because they don't know what else to talk about?