To leave if DH won’t get help

[MissisK]

DH has had a problem with alcohol for years (functioning alcoholic). A bottle of wine and bottle of beer every day. I’m sure it’s the cause of his mood swings.

He’s promised to give up and get help on multiple occasions. Tonight he’s drinking again. I don’t know how long I can go on with it.

I have 2 teenagers who I’m sure know he drinks a lot.

At what point do you/did you leave? Do I stay and hope he gets help? He gets so depressed when I say I’ll have to leave if he doesn’t get help and I’m overwhelmed with guilt about leaving him.

He has to decide himself to get better.
Don't tell him you're going just leave and if he gets better you can take it from there. If you stay this is your life. Are your friends and family aware?

Well obviously he knows he's an alcoholic.

I think it's important that your teen children know exactly the score. You don't want them to think this is normal drinking do you.

I think your dh should talk to them and be completely honest about his alcoholism, for their sake.

As for staying with him - is his drinking impacting on his work, sex, health, your social lives?
What does he want to happen if he gets alcoholic related dementia?

His mum knows (his dad was also a drinker). No one else knows the extent really. Which probably doesn’t help as he has no reason to give up and no one to answer to other than me and I just feel like a nag.

It definitely affects home life. We’re walking on eggshells. He gets sulky and grumpy and the mood swings are awful. It doesn’t affect work as far as I can see. He does hide alcohol cans in the shed and car and thinks I don’t know.

I didn’t have kids with him but we were married.

I left when it became clear over a number of years that even if he told me he’d stopped, and did seem to stop, even for a long while, I would NEVER be able to fully trust that he wouldn’t drink again. No matter how long it was or how much he promised, he’d always be one drink away from the gutter.

He died of alcoholism aged 39.

The thing with alcoholics is that you can’t really influence them. You can reason, plead, cajole, nag and issue ultimatums but ultimately alcohol will always be more important.

I was married to a just about functional alcoholic for 12 years and spent most of those years bargaining with him in various ways to cut down, to stop etc.

Its actually really freeing to accept that you can’t control it but nor do you have to live with it.

The brutal truth is most alcoholics don’t stop. Those that do manage to do so because they have had a huge epiphany, reached some sort of bottom and decided the choice is life or alcohol. Your partner clearly is nowhere near that point and won’t get there because you are asking him to. It doesn’t work like that.

You need to accept that you can’t control it and then ask yourself if you are prepared to accept it. If the answer is no you have to leave . That may or may not trigger him to reassess his life. But you can’t count on this. Do it for yourself. Your life will improve without the weight of having to constantly worry about it. Whether he chooses to sort himself out or not is down to him.

It's time to go OP. You and your kids shouldn't have to live your lives walking on eggshells and watching your every move around him. It will also teach them some bad habits about relationships.
If you leave, the best case scenario is that it spurs your husband on to get help when there's no facade that all is well anymore. I warn you this is very unlikely.
Al-anon may be a good place to find some support. I understand your husband is ill, but he is an addict and love and support from you alone won't be able to fix him

That’s so sad. 39 is so young. I’m sorry you went through that LividAA.

My DH has health issues and so really at risk. I know it’s an illness and I’m trying to be sympathetic but it’s affecting my mental health. I can’t believe he’s drinking again tonight. And he’s acting like it’s not a big deal. While I’m worried out of my mind.

@MissisK

I know it’s an illness and I’m trying to be sympathetic but it’s affecting my mental health

The fact that it’s an illness doesn’t mean you and your children have to commit to having your lives dragged under by it.

Ultimately you have to put yourself and your children first. You don’t owe him martyrdom.

Unfortunately it's a vicious cycle and no doubt the drinking is making his mental health issues worse.
The problem is, as an addict he will prioritise his need for a drink over you, your mental health, your relationship and even your kids every time.

No one else knows the extent really

I suspect that they do. Your children will know.

SIL's late husband was an alcoholic. She buried her head in the sand and was in denial for years. She thought we didn't know, but we did.

His drinking escalated and she stayed with him. We watched him drag her down with him. He had seizures, developed cirrhosis of the liver, developed alcoholic encephalopathy and behaved so erratically that he was eventually put into residential care where he lived for several years until he died. His death certificate says that he died fom alcoholism.

You didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
If you stay nothing will change.

It depends how much you love him.
Not all alcoholics are a lost cause.

This is what makes me stay. I live in hope that he’ll get help and things will be better.

If I were you I'd stop worrying about his alcholism and whether it is a disease or not. That isn't really the point.

The point is you and your 2 children are walking on eggshells, worrying about his moods. Your home life is horrible and it doesn't really matter whether it is caused by the alcohol or his personality.

I think if I were you I'd decide whether I wanted to live like this or not. If my children should live like this or not. Don't give ultimatums. Don't link your marriage to his drinking or not drinking. Decide what you want for yourself.

I think you know what you need to do.

Sorry OP, but you said this has been going on for years. What is realistically going to change now after all this time? He's had years to seek help and he hasn't.

I'm sorry but that is not good advice. no person is a lost cause but the OP doesn't owe her husband a life where she and her children are at the mercy of his mood swings, him being grumpy and angry. No matter what the cause of it all.

And there is a strong argument that if she loved him enough she'd leave him in the hope that it would bring him to his senses - this is no life for him either. so saying "it depends how much you love him" is just plain wrong.

This is terrible advice, sorry

Many years ago, I worked in an alcohol and drug detox unit. My experience was that the dependent person had to want to stop their habit AND get treatment for it.

Currently, your husband is not able or willing to change his behaviour in respect of his alcohol addiction. Without that, I doubt that he will be able to change.
Have you talked to your children about your husband's behaviour? Is it affecting their mental state and/or educational capacity?
What do you think would happen if you told him that you would consider leaving him, and taking the children with you if he didn't seek medical help?

He probably won’t agree to get treatment until he hits rock bottom. Put your children first, and yourself. Do you have any family support?

Get yourself to AlAnon and over to the alcohol support board. I lost DH to cirrhosis last year. He was a functioning alcoholic for many years then lockdown hit. Please put yourself first.

Living with an alcoholic puts children at risk of addiction themselves. Think about that.

Then add in the moods, the walking on eggshells and the sheer amount of money this must be costing - is that what you want for the rest of your life?

I had one of these. For me the last straw was finding empty bottles of rum in the bedroom when he had promised no more secret drinking. Little secret: rock bottom isn't about the alcoholic, it's about you and the moment you know in your heart you can't live with it any more.

I put up with it for almost 7 years. Far too long. My children were deeply affected. In the end it all came crashing down, the police were involved, he moved out and died 8 months later, still drinking. That was almost 6 years ago.

Life without him was unimaginably better. Start planning your exit - you can't save him, only yourself and your teens.

There's a long running support thread on the Alcohol board that you might find useful - I'm on it, and so are lots of women in exactly the same boat as you. Several have left. You will find a safe place there.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=24&reply=134611898

OP can’t love the alcoholism out of him, or be put in the position where he might stop if only she love him more (I.e. sacrifice more of her life in the altar of his addiction)
His choice to drink or not will be made by him, on his own timescale, and insinuating she has some role in that as a way to get her to give up even more of her life to someone else’s alcoholism is quite frankly, brazen.

My advice to OP is to start salvaging her own life. She can’t salvage his, he doesn’t want that. If he’s so special he’ll understand and thank her for protecting his kids from it once he’s stopped.
It’s all well and good to talk about his rock bottom (assuming it even exists), but I would encourage OP to think about her own rock bottom and what would have to happen before she would know it was time to be out of there.

If you said to him that he has to come with you to the GP, that he has to attend meetings and he has to give you his bank cards so he can’t buy booze, would he do it? I would give him a deadline for those things to happen and mean it. Or I’d leave

I totally agree with this and I've seen people turn it around for themselves. But they have to want to do it for themselves and be ready to accept support.

It's not your job to fix this for your dh, you couldn't even if you tried. It has to come from him and op if it's affecting you all to the point he's having mood swings and you're all walking on egg shells round him, then maybe you support him but with distance in a way that isn't affecting your children and in a way that's manageable for your mental health. Just because you love him, and just because he's got an addiction doesn't mean you have to stay and it doesn't mean your kids need to grow up thinking this is normal. It sounds like your dh is continuing the cycle that his dad was caught up in too. Its important you're honest with your children as they are more likely to suffer from addiction, growing up with a parent who suffers from addiction. If they know about and understand it, then they can probably have a clearer relationship with their dad and better protect themselves. Op if they don't understand he's an alcoholic, then when he's angry or unfair they might think that's their fault.

If it were me, I'd be telling dh that unless he's willing to get help then he needs to move out because it's impacting the kids. I'd tell him that you'll give him all the support in the world but you can't continue living in the same house and walking on egg shells while he does nothing to change the problem. I'd tell him you'd like both of you to get some support and guidance on how to talk to your children about it so they understand what's happening and can protect themselves from alcoholism in the future. I'd also get support for yourself independently op, there's services out there that affect families of those affected by alcoholism.

I also think it would help you identify what is potentially domestic abuse and what is a result of the alcohol because sometimes abuse is put down to alcohol when actually it's intentional.

What do you think would happen if you told him that you would consider leaving him, and taking the children with you if he didn't seek medical help?

This is what I said to him a few weeks ago. He started drinking more not less. Then on Sunday he promised to get help. He said he was too stressed not to drink on Monday, didn’t drink last night (that I’m aware of) and is drinking tonight. So even losing his family isn’t enough of an incentive.

i told him it’s not even about him stopping but getting help and trying. He said he doesn’t feel comfortable about talking to his Dr. I get its a hard conversation. But isn’t it worth it?