To want to be forgiven after an apology

[FourJays]

I recently accepected an award at a ceremony. It was a big deal so i invited my sis, some friends and DH.
I was unable to order a cab home so I got a life with a friend who was going back to get DH, sis and another mate after they had dropped off everyone who had to sort out their babysitters. Instead of waiting they went to a club. I had told them that it was my night and that I'd be upset if they did but they did anyway. DH phoned to tell me - I said I was upset and hung up on him.

I texted sis and told her I was cross with her and we haven't spoken since - she has a bit of a history of going off with DH / other blokes and leaving me to it and knows it would upset me.
She emailed to say that from her point of view I abandoned her and that she is sick of taking the blame and that I called her a husband stealer.
My hubbie is barely speaking to me too as he says I'm being stubborn and that she is about to cut me out of her life. So I have apologised to her for blaming her.
She won't reply to my texts, calls or emails.

Any advice on how I can sort this mess out? Other than turn back time and not send a drunken text telling her off?
She is my sis and I don't want her to cut me off.

Well I think I agree with everyone here. You are not in the wrong. What on earth does her hubby think to all this?? The best thing would have been for your hubby to suggest that you went out with your sister to celebrate and he went home to the kids and I would say that to him. OK his mate was there but then his mate could always have gone back with your hubby for a couple of drinks to relieve the babysitter. Sounds like your hubby knows your sister too well and wouldn't trust the two of you out together?? It's great they get along but seems to be at your expense. Even if you have arguments where he thinks you are being unreasonable he should still stick up for you. Do not send flowers and do not apologise anymore for what has happened. Hopefully int time it will blow over but if it doesn't I suggest that in future you only invite one or the other and only get together as a foursome when her husband is also around. Try and avoid any situations where your hubby and sister are out together - even if you don't suspect anything is going on that's not the point - he is your husband and she is your sister - if anyone spends time with either of them it's you. If they don't understand that then I would reconsider the possibility something is going on. It's THEIR actions that have us all raising our eyebrows not yours.

If you husband and sister are so close why doesn't he bloody well call her and tell her where her fault lies and maybe do a bit mor eto get this resolved.

I would be mightily pissed off, why is he calling you up asking if you've heard from her yet as if her forgiveness of you is all important?
Ok he has apologised but why is he sticking up for her over you?

And it was a bit of a freudian slip by you sister saying that she wasn't a husband stealer, when that's not what you said.
Some women want everyone else's husbands/boyfriends to want them in order to feel good about themselves.

I agree your dh was out of order and should have either gone home to relieve the babysitter leaving you to celebrate or come home to share a midnight glass of wine with you. but can I very gently (honestly don;t want to cause offence, just, perhaps, help you see other angles and ways forward) ask if you might have fed into a certain dynamic that seems to set the two of them against you. yes it might be past history and entirely their fault that led to this but saying stuff like "it's my night" and "you two will go out when hell freezes over" might make them feel either justified (albeit wrongly) in doing stuff like this, or like rebelling against you. Perhaps you need to play a bit cleverer, rise above their childishness (instead of making them feel more childish). Get them both on side. Rather than assuming and giving them the message that they'll have fun without you, try to make each one of them, individually, special and fun to you. it sounds a bit like that thing they say about kids - if you label them a certain way it becomes true.

Please please don't think I don;t sympathise, nor that I think your sis and dh haven't behaved badly, I just wonder if, given the way they behave, you might be able to handle them better - and maybe even break this recurrent pattern. to think about it in concrete terms, what would have happened if you'd breezed off with your friend who was giving you a lift, big smile on your face, kissed both dh and sis goodbye and just said "see you later".

and i would definitely not send flowers or even mention this evening again.

should have put a there. all meant very kindly.