Threw my son's stick away, cue meltdown

[Nana99]

Son has suspected ADHD, and impulse control issues. Starting work with professionals very soon. He found a stick on the way home from school. Started acting up and refused to hold my hand crossing the road (he's 5). I refused to cross without him holding my hand as I know what he's like. Literally just said 'we aren't crossing until you hold my hand'. He got angry and thrashed his arms about accidentally hitting a random person with the stick. I was embarrassed and apologised profusely, took his stick and threw it away, then told him off and took his hand, marching him across the road. Cue huge meltdown. I could've handled it better but I'm exhausted by his behaviour. He's continuing his meltdown at home.

Can ANYONE advise the best way to handle similar situations? I probably escalated things by chucking the stick. It's so hard in the run up to support being put in place. I just feel shit all the time.

[ru53]

This isn’t very helpful and I have no expertise but I would have done the same as you OP. You set clear boundaries and losing the stick was a natural consequence to hitting someone with the stick (albeit accidentally). Interested to see what others suggest though!

[DrJoanAllenby]

You handled it perfectly.

[Nana99]

It was horrible. He screamed the whole way home. Had to grab him multiple times by his arm or his coat to stop him running off or into the road. Other parents all staring at me. He's such a lovely kid but his meltdowns are unmanageable sometimes.

[KreedKafer]

Honestly, it sounds like you did exactly the right thing.

I know it probably doesn't feel like it when you're listening to your son having a massive tantrum, but I think you did everything right.

[Humptydum]

Aw, you poor thing. It’s so hard. I think as long as you explained why you took the stick away then it’s ok.

[Nana99]

I'm a lone parent and the relief those first three comments have given me are so validating. Thank you.

[TheBirdintheCave]

Ah sticks. My three year old picks one up on the way home every day so I have a huge pile of them in the front garden 🙄 They get culled once a week.

Re crossing the road. If son refuses to hold my hand because he's holding a stick then I hold his wrist instead, which he accepts.

If he'd hit someone with the stick, I would likely have thrown it away too.

My husband has ADHD and I am autistic so son is under close watch by us for any ND tendencies. I personally think he likely has ADHD too but only time will tell.

It sounds like you're doing the best you can under the circumstances! Best of luck in the future.

[IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord]

I understand why you did it, so this is no judgement, but perhaps going forward, take the stick away and tell him he can get it back when he walks home nicely.

[Didimum]

I probably would have used the stick as leverage. Taken it away from him and said 'when you cross the road holding my hand, then you can have the stick back'.

Commiserations, OP. It's tough. And after school they are just so irritable.

[Undethetree]

My son is similar, I would (and have!) done exactly the same. Not sure if that helps or not!

He's older now tho, has calmed down a lot and is much more pleasant to be around. He told me once that he appreciates the fact I am always firm, I means what i say and have lines he knows he can't cross (even tho in the moment he acts out). It's hard!

[SinnerBoy]

I think I'd have done exactly the same as you. My daughter could be a right little so and so and I've dragged her home from school screaming, or put her in a fireman's lift. At that age, you have to be in control of them out by the roads, tantrum or not.

Don't beat yourself up!

[Achillo]

Is he due to be assessed for autism?
Throwing away the stick would definitely escalate things to a meltdown.
In a place (near a road) where both of your safety is the main priority I wouldn't do something that would escalate things there and then. I would focus on getting us both to where we need to go without any more risk.
To the people saying your actions were ideal in throwing it away, I think it really depends on the needs of your child.
If he is autistic or has ADHD you will learn with time what approaches work best with him to calm his nervous system down which lessens the number of meltdowns. Every child is different in what works but is allll about the nervous system. Neurodivergent kids (and all of us to a certain extent) co-regulate which means if the person they are with is calm, they are much likely to be able to remain calm. These things take a lot of time to learn though as you need to get to know what works. There are great books about it these days such as 'Beyond Behaviours' by Mona Delahook. Often the straightforward 'show him whose boss' type of discipline doesn't produce the results you want with nd kids.

[Nana99]

@IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord

I understand why you did it, so this is no judgement, but perhaps going forward, take the stick away and tell him he can get it back when he walks home nicely.

I've done this before and he just ends up kicking and punching me until I give it back. I can't wait until I have some help. The school have recognised he's probably SEN and are v supportive. Can't come soon enough.

[Nana99]

@Achillo

Is he due to be assessed for autism?
Throwing away the stick would definitely escalate things to a meltdown.
In a place (near a road) where both of your safety is the main priority I wouldn't do something that would escalate things there and then. I would focus on getting us both to where we need to go without any more risk.
To the people saying your actions were ideal in throwing it away, I think it really depends on the needs of your child.
If he is autistic or has ADHD you will learn with time what approaches work best with him to calm his nervous system down which lessens the number of meltdowns. Every child is different in what works but is allll about the nervous system. Neurodivergent kids (and all of us to a certain extent) co-regulate which means if the person they are with is calm, they are much likely to be able to remain calm. These things take a lot of time to learn though as you need to get to know what works. There are great books about it these days such as 'Beyond Behaviours' by Mona Delahook. Often the straightforward 'show him whose boss' type of discipline doesn't produce the results you want with nd kids.

It never works. Nor does staying calm. That's why I'm so lost. He just works himself up.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

You did the right thing. If he hits someone with the stick, he loses the stick, 100% of the time. He can tantrum all day, but he has to hold your hand crossing the road, because he is 5.

You are in the peak Stick phase, but it won't last forever, and it is less damaging to your washing machine than Stone phase was...

[FlamingoYellow]

@Didimum

I probably would have used the stick as leverage. Taken it away from him and said 'when you cross the road holding my hand, then you can have the stick back'.

Commiserations, OP. It's tough. And after school they are just so irritable.

This is what I would do too. Although what you did was absolutely fine, sometimes it's easier all round with ND kids if you use a gentler approach to get the message across, then there's a chance you might avoid the massive tantrum. I only know this after many years of being the mum who would have just thrown away the stick.

Its really hard sometimes, you can never get it 100% perfect.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

Also I disagree with the post suggesting that he should have been allowed to keep the stick if he has possible ASD/ADHD. No way. If you hit someone with a weapon you don't get to keep the weapon and that really needs to be consistent.

[Beingboredisgoodforyou]

@TheYearOfSmallThings

You did the right thing. If he hits someone with the stick, he loses the stick, 100% of the time. He can tantrum all day, but he has to hold your hand crossing the road, because he is 5.

You are in the peak Stick phase, but it won't last forever, and it is less damaging to your washing machine than Stone phase was...

Peak stick 😂
He may have diagnosable issues but alternatively it may just be a stick/stone/leaf/old crisp packet/used drinking straw phase.

[Nana99]

To add. He's never hit anyone other than me intentionally. Sure there's some psychology behind this...

[AutumnFroglets]

I would have done exactly the same as you OP. You were very clear on what he needed to do, and you carried through when he wouldn't do it. I would have thrown the stick away too, nobody gets a "weapon" back.

Keep up with your clear boundaries, all five year olds like testing them (as do 6yr, 7yr, 8yr, 9yr .... you get the drift).

[Fookintired]

Another poster here who does exactly the same as you OP.
It feels horrible at the time and I tend to feel like a complete cow and like everyone is watching. I've had people tut at me but that was a supermarket so more of an audience I suppose.
I've had DS try to steal a gift card by hiding it in his coat then having a full on meltdown because I've put it back.
We have had the stick scenario. This extends to anything long like a spade on the beach, play pirate swords. It always ends up in over excitement and hitting someone by accident.
He ran into an old lady only yesterday at the seaside. I apologized profusely, he could have knocked her over.
Sometimes it's like they have one setting, high or full pelt.
It can be very tiring.

[pandarific]

@Nana99 if you search for my thread about raising lovely ND kids, there is lots and lots of useful advice there.

i think this is the fizzy bottle effect. He’s been trying his best to put up with all the demands at school and he’s knackered and you’re safe, so - whoosh.

Have school given him movement breaks? Those have really helped my DS. He also has a spinny stool thing.

my advice to try pickup next time would be - bringing him a drink / snack for the walk home, a little figurine or toy to fiddle with on the way home, and try to break this particular cycle. He’s got into a habit of kicking off / letting off steam at this time, you can reset it once you figure out what works. Also, maybe driving home for a few days would disrupt that association and then you can walk again?

[pandarific]

Oh yes, and if stick / anything else used as a weapon or destructively, it is removed. It can be reinstated once they can show they can play nicely with it. I’d have a discussion tomorrow AM in a calm moment re stick use / abuse and make expectations clear.

[Noseyoldcow]

I'll get shot down for this but......just because he may be ADHD doesn't mean he shouldn't be disciplined in any way at all. His stick was confiscated because he misbehaved and hit someone with it. So I'm saying you did right. And you also did right grabbing him so that walking by the road or crossing the road was safe.
I'm old, and there seems to be an awful lot of autism/adhd and the like about these days. Was it about when I was young? Dunno, but if I'd shown off like kids are allowed to do these days, I would have got a good clump round the ear. He should think himself lucky he lives in a more enlightened age and only got his stick confiscated and his hand/coat held rather tightly!

[DrJoanAllenby]

'To add. He's never hit anyone other than me intentionally. Sure there's some psychology behind this...'

I would imagine that's because he feels safe with you and whilst he can't control his temper he subconsciously aims it at you because he knows you won't hurt him. Hitting and lashing out at anyone else might cause that person to hurt him back.