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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit pissed off at dp just giving me a card with some money for my birthday???

31 replies

totalmisfit · 31/03/2008 10:12

maybe i am unreasonable. i know it was thoughtful to put some money aside so i could get some clothes etc... but i just miss having something to unwrap.

and it is our money, so putting it in a card was a bit unnecessary. i'm not his daughter.

so i'm being an ungrateful cow arent i?

OP posts:
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 31/03/2008 10:14

I know what you mean - my DH at least asks me what I want for my birthday or Xmas and then goes and gets it/wraps it. However I still miss not having a suprise.

I think DH is worried he'd buy me something I didn't like, and to be honest he probably would. So maybe its best

totalmisfit · 31/03/2008 10:18

yep i think that's it. they dont' want to get it wrong, i suppose...

OP posts:
nametaken · 31/03/2008 10:34

YANBU - he should have asked you what you wanted for your bday.

Eve34 · 31/03/2008 10:43

He could of got you a small something to open at least.

Notyummy · 31/03/2008 10:53

Well, at least he didn't completely forget it, but...

YANBU unreasonable. It really isn't that hard (if you know someone well) to come up with a present they might like. You might not want to buy clothes/jewerlly in case you get the wrong style or size, but what about vouchers and some smellies to open? Something which is for YOU, and wont end up getting used for the kids, which is what may happen to cash. Vouchers for a beauty salon or clothes shop (or Amazon...whatever floats your boat).

It really hacks me off that men feign helplessness at this sort of thing. They just don't try, and its not rocket science.

swerve · 31/03/2008 10:55

it depends on how much was in the card... and judging from your question, it wasn't enough. There should be a formula for working it out: what would be a reasonable amount for him to spend on a present vs effort put in. So if he hunts out that vintage, bargain priced handbag from ebay, it's fair he can get away with spending a fiver. I think effort should be on a +5 to -5 scale, with -5 being money in a card (or recycling something you already have)

it would work out something like this:

R/E=A,
where R=reasonable amount you think he should spend on a present for you
E = effort
A= Actual spend.

For example, if you think 10 pounds is about right (for argument's sake, my maths ain't that strong) and he gets up early, leaving you to sleep in, feeds dcs (all 4 of them), makes you breakfast and makes you a cake with dcs help, and they all end up happy and in chocolatey heaven, that's a +5

10/5=2 (which just about covers the ingredients, if you already have the eggs in the fridge!)

However, if he stops at the garage (or one of those flower sellers at the side of the road) and buys flowers, it works out slightly different... (i'm giving him a -4 for effort, because its marginally better than cash in a card. maybe):

10/-4=40.

did I forget any factors?

So do the maths....

chinchi · 31/03/2008 10:58

Id rather have the money and buy what I wanted than end up with a naff pressie! Surely we all know men arent the best when it comes to stuff like this?!

However, if the money in the card was not enought to treat yourself well, then send him to the stocks

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 31/03/2008 11:02

DH totally forgot my birthday last year. Completely and utterly oblivious to the fact.
We had been married 14 years - together for 18. Even now if I ask him what date my birthday is, he always says the day after the actual date.
Useless twunt.

Notyummy · 31/03/2008 11:04

But when it is your money in the first place, what is the point of 'giving' it to someone? 'Here dw, I am giving you permission to spend this?' Absolute bollocks. The only reason we think men 'aren't the best at this' is because they tell us that because they can't be bothered, and we let them get away with it. I expect someone who loves me to make a bit of an effort to think about what I might like, and I will do the same for them.

MadamePlatypus · 31/03/2008 11:07

I would definitely want thoughtfully acquired and wrapped presents. Money would be just about OK if DH gave me a day to go shopping by myself without DCs. I am not the world's biggest shopper though. Hmm, except for books. A day in a bookshop with lots of money. Am coming round to the idea.

Libra1975 · 31/03/2008 11:12

I just don't think there is any excuse for this at all, either forgetting or just being too lazy (and this is what it is) to buy you a present on your birthday. If he is worried that he is going to get you the wrong thing then he could try and buy you a book/DVD/CD/smelly stuff to unwrap and then say why don't we go shopping for your present together. (I know some people will say oh I don't want to drag a bored male around the shops, but this is how they get out of it, how often have you been bored whist doing the washing up/cooking/cleaning but still got on with it as it needed doing!)

It's the little things that partners do for each other that makes the relationship special.

Unless you both mutually agree to ignore a certain day (neither me nor DH do valentines day) I think it is nice to make an effort.

Notyummy · 31/03/2008 11:13

Hear, hear Libra.

branflake81 · 31/03/2008 11:41

Well, it's more than I've ever got from my OH I have to say....

Notyummy · 31/03/2008 11:44

sack 'im branflake

totalmisfit · 31/03/2008 11:49

notyummy - couldn't agree more

swerve - i like your formula - v scientific, tempted to show it to him when he gets home.

libra - exactly, love is what we show to each other in the little thoughtful details. i'm just fed up. i'd gotten used to getting a crap bunch of flowers and a cheap bottle of plonk for each and every valentines/xmas/birthday, and this year jsut getting a card plus cash, coupled with the fact that i was already feeling shit about getting older etc, and he knew it...

i just hoped he'd put a little thought into it you know. shopping for my own birthday presents after the event, well it's jsut a bit so-so really. yes, i'm glad i'll get maybe a haircut and a nice top or a pair of shoes that i really want, but i also want to feel loved and cared about. i want to feel that he cares enough about me to go 'ooh, i know what misfit would love' and sneak out and get me something.

OP posts:
DontCallMeBaby · 31/03/2008 12:00

Don't show him the formula - 10/-40 isn't 40, it's -2.5. He's a man, he will notice, pick holes, and fail to take on board the wider message.

TheHedgeWitch · 31/03/2008 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

totalmisfit · 31/03/2008 12:38

dcmb - i never was any good at maths

OP posts:
swerve · 31/03/2008 12:50

umm... yes, i admit it, i'm useless at maths. damn! i hoped i'd get away with it! (that attitude didn't help me with maths o level though) but you get the idea. maybe someone less mathematically challenged can get it right.

Flibbertyjibbet · 31/03/2008 13:04

YAB (a bit) U

I don't get cards or pressies on birthday, valentines, xmas etc... but I don't mind really cos

'It's the little things that partners do for each other that makes the relationship special.'

He took the kids out all day yesterday cos I felt a bit under the weather. He is sooo handy round the house diy'ing, he does the shopping on his way home from work if I've picked the kids up, hoovers, supports me in starting my own business even though we were completely skint the first 9 months.

My ex used to make a huge fuss on birthday and valentines then treat me like shit the rest of the year, so I know which side my birthday cake is buttered on these days.

scottishmummy · 31/03/2008 13:08

is he a gem?does he make you smile?present schmesent he is canny,money means you chose

BEAUTlFUL · 31/03/2008 13:13

I wouldn't feel particularly thrilled if I just got a card with money inside. Sorry that's all you got.

I had a friend whose charming DH once chucked her a carrier bag half-full of unwrapped presents for her birthday. They split up soon afterwards.

Are you sure that's all he's doing, though? Maybe he's got something planned for tonight? Like a nice dinner, surprise party, threesome or similar?

BEAUTlFUL · 31/03/2008 13:14

(I am kidding about the threesome, btw.)

scottishmummy · 31/03/2008 13:16

i dont understand judging a partner by amount spent/gifts received. shallow a good hearted man is better than a tosser with a mastercard who probably got the sales asst to wrap it

Quattrocento · 31/03/2008 13:19

It is a MUST to have something to unwrap. Even if it is a silly something.

I wouldn't mind a cheque (as long as it was suitably hefty) providing it came with something that smacked of some effort being made.

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