AIBU to think my MIL is being unreasonable

[butterflywingss]

Long one...

Me and DH have a 2 bed apartment and whenever his family have come over I have always tried to make it comfortable. Me and DH will usually take the kids and sleep together in our room giving a spare room to his nephew and sister.

However, SIL refuses to share a bed with her DM so then it results to DM sleeping on the sofa. My DH doesn't like anyone sleeping on the sofa as this has caused it to break and an uncomfortable argument took place. My MIL may have also acted a tad dramatic as well. I told my DH to apologise to his mum and to not make people feel awkward in our home which he has a number of times. I have now brought a blow up mattress for when they come. However, his family now doesn't show up as often or his mum will intentionally bring up sleeping arrangements and avoid staying longer than 1 day.

I find it really selfish and borderline rude given we have found a solution to help. My MIL rarely comes as it is to visit our kids and then the one opportunity that comes she intentionally asked her DD to book a ticket so they would only stay 1 night. I haven't mentioned DH because I know that would upset him and I have told SIL that this mention of arrangements needs to stop because it's starting to sound like an excuse. My SIL also as a result talks shit about my DH her DB and it pisses off because actually as a mother you should be making all efforts for your children even if it makes you uncomfortable that's my opinion. I'm sick Of Mil and SIL continuously bringing it up and making it an issue.

Id just be happy they weren’t staying!

Why can’t they stay in a nearby hotel or air bnb?

My mum says the same thing to me but I genuinely enjoy their company and plus my DH respects my family all the time so it feels right for me to do the same 🤷🏻‍♀️

You don't have room for guests. I don't see what the issue is.

I'd avoid staying with you as well, it sounds incredibly cramped. I'd book into a hotel if I was either your SIL or MIL.

My SIL mentioned that once but in my culture that's considered disrespectful also when done with not the best intentions. However, honestly F they mentioned it now I wouldn't say anything but I imagine it would upset my DH. Plus they're not always in a good financial position and a number of times we have sent money to help them which is fine as it's his mother.

I wouldn’t want to sleep on an airbed or sofa for more than one night. You just don’t have room to accommodate them and it must be really uncomfortable for everyone.

Does your MIL never visit without her DD and GS? Do you ever go to stay with her?

To be honest, it sounds as though there isn't enough room for all of you in the flat. I'd probably restrict my visits if I were MIL and being asked to sleep on a blow up mattress too. Why can't she have the second bedroom and your DSIL and DN share the blow up and sofa?

Your DH started this by being precious about the sofa. Maybe she felt insulted that he implied she was too heavy? Surely the average 2 or 3 seater sofa can accommodate an adult occasionally sleeping on it?

I'm not sure its MIL being unreasonable. Not that anyone else is either. But the solution isn't really comfortable for her so she's not visiting so much, which is understandable.

I totally understand that but it was never an issue before until this argument. We have all come from humble beginnings and not the first time doing cramped sleepovers which its not. However, what bothers me is using feeling uncomfortable not physically as an excuse to rarely see your own son & grandchildren. If they want to book for a hotel I won't stop them but they won't because it costs money. It's an awkward situation

Jesus…
Drop. The. Rope.

let your DH deal with it and stay out of it. I wouldn’t want to stay over or want to host people over night with such a limited amount of space. It’s uncomfortable for everyone

You have you, your DH and your children in one room, and you want your sister in law, mother in law and nephew to share a room/children’s bed or sleep on an air mattress in the other?

I wouldn’t be staying if I was them. I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing a bed with my mother (I’d only do it in an emergency), I can’t sleep on an air mattress nor would I want to feel I’d kicked your children out their room. It all just sounds too cramped for regular visits and if I was your in-laws I wouldn’t stay long either - or I’d stay in a hotel.

Rarely she comes alone without bringing her daughter's son along. We also visit her house. I have suggested many times for my MIL to take the room and my SIL stay in the living room but it's my SIL who complicates and makes it awkward . I have suggested many ways and my family have even offered to bring a spare mattress when they are over and this mention of being uncomfortable comes up again so I know it's not about the actual sleeping of it.

There isn’t room for you all.

MIL is not being unreasonable for not wanting to sleep on a blow up mattress, and your SIL is not being unreasonable for not wanting to share a bed with MIL. You can’t expect them to be delighted about staying with you when there simply isn’t room in your home for them to sleep comfortably, especially when your DH was a dickhead about his mum wanting to sleep on the sofa.

(I also can’t see how a sofa would ‘break’ from an adult lying down on it.)

You’re being ridiculous.

Anyhoo..

It's not about being cramped because before I came in the picture with my kids, they used to do the same in my DH home where it was only 1 bedroom and WAY more uncomfortable and stay for DAYSSS.

Sorry but there’s no way I’d take my child / children out of their bedroom and into mine for visitors. You have a 2 bed apartment one bedroom for you and DH and one for children. Sorry, they’d have to find a hotel nearby!

There's at least 7 of you in a 2 bed apartment. The eldest person is on a blow up mattress. The same lady has also been told she mustn't sleep on the sofa in case it breaks. You're pissed off at her and your other visitors because they only stay 1 night.

I know you'd like them to make more of a visit, but honestly, it doesn't sound very comfortable for MIL at all.

And I can't understand why its MIL you're pissed off at. What has she done wrong other than letting you know she's not comfortable on the blow up?

I think you are the one being unreasonable and dramatic. They don't have to stay at all if they don't want to, it doesn't matter if you enjoy their company, it's their decision. They shouldn't have share beds or sleep on blow up mattresses if they don't want to just to please you. Stop being selfish!

It's not a regular visit as they don't live close to us. Maybe it's the way I grew up but I genuinely don't understand what's wrong with sharing a bed with your mum for a night or two. Could be a western culture thing...

My parents have a 3 bed house but when myself and siblings have gone for a stay over usually 1 night because we live close, we have had to make arrangements because sometimes seeing your family overrides your comfort. Not everyone can afford to have spare guest rooms and unfortunately not everyone can afford to also spend money on hotels. They have been in much more cramped situations before so actually compared to those times they have plenty of space in my house. I genuinely think it's a poor excuse.

I guess in an ideal world. However, they're not the most financially stable so hotels every time they visit wouldn't really be a thing. My DH had brought them tickets before to come at their request so it's a weird one I guess

She used the blowup literally half a night and then moved to the bed. I have offered other alternatives but she insists she wants to stay in the living room. My DH apologised for his comment and the sofa is still being used and it's not uncomfortable at all actually. I am pissed because to be totally frank they are not in the worst position given they have been in much worse. I am doing my best with what I have. That's just life sometimes.

I can't say I blame her for not wanting to stay. Sleeping on a sofa is uncomfortable and when she did her son complained that she broke it.
She probably finds it hard to relax at your house and exhausting. Can you visit her instead?

Two things.

One, there was clearly a row.

The cramped conditions were obviously not an issue per se until the sofa broke and from your description there always a family row.

Your mil probably did not enjoy the row and is now avoiding staying because she doesn't want any more rows.

Two, by western standards the number of people you have sleeping in the same room is bloody ridiculous. And putting MiL, the eldest of them all, on a blow up mattress is to my English eyes incredibly disrespectful.

I'm of an age now where I could be a MIL and it is absolutely unreasonable not to be offering an older person a bed.

It's not to please me at all, and as for me they don't have to show up at all. Not everyone has the luxury of spare rooms for guests unfortunately. If you do, then good for you. In fact I have only ever asked them to come over once for an occasiona. Other than that, they have DECIDED to come on their own merit on every other occasion knowing my living situation. There's a lot more than one post I made, and believe me I am not the selfish one!

I do understand how that would make her feel uncomfortable but it was never an issue before. Before I even got my house or my DH had his, she would sleep at her brother's house with her DD when visiting and their house was even smaller and a family of 4. We do visit her home as well when we can. However, it's easier for her to visit alone but it's not my fault when her daughter dumps her son on her and then it becomes an issue for everyone. The argument actually mainly came from my DH mentioning that his DM prefers to stay in her nieces and husband 1 bed house where she also slept on a very small sofa or blow up. Her DD drops her son on her DM all the time and when she comes here she doesn't want to do the looking after but that's not my fault. She has done the same to me before. My SIL unfortunately is and can be a very unreasonable person. My MIL is always saying how much she misses us and wants to come and see us but I don't even know what to say when you request to come but also complain and plus not get a hotel because it's not financially beneficial. I can't win either way.

The row of the sofa was actually a very small detail of the problem. The real issue in the row is a lot bigger and more personal and on that end I side with my DH because she neglected him enough as a kid where he would be hours alone at home looking after his sister because of the situation she was in as a single mother. My DH has had a very harsh growing up and to where he is in life now is a luxury to what him and his family had.

In any culture I think putting the eldest on the most uncomfortable spot is disrespectful and I agree. That's why I said she has always been given the best alternatives for her but it's her DD that makes it awkward and she chooses to stay in the living room because she likes to stay up late and unfortunately I can't drag my bed in the living room.

I wish I had a bigger house but I don't, and I do my best to make it good for anyone who chooses to stay at their own will. Maybe other cultures have had the luxury of parents and grandparents with big houses for everyone to stay in. However, it's not the case for everyone, and I understand it's hard for people who grew up with a privileged life to understand that there are families who do this kind of thing and in some cases maybe even worse.

The fact it wasn't an issue previously is irrelevant. Things change, MIL has aged several years. I'm only in my forties but I would struggle to sleep anywhere less than optimal now, whereas in my 30's it was fine.

Just accept that your living situation is incompatible with the requirements of your extended family to stay for more than a night now.